I feel so weak and embarrassed

[Dodgyshoulder]

So about 3 weeks ago, I split up with my partner of 3 years after some cheating involving with a family member of mine. For the most part I’ve been holding up ok. Not showing any emotion around the kids and just carrying on but inside I am broken. Today, he took our son to a baby class with his mother.

As they dropped the baby off, I had the most horrible panic attack ( I suffer with anxiety, which they are both aware of) I completely broke down. Not able to breath, talk, crying and hyperventilating. They were both supportive but now I feel so weak, I don’t like showing weakness around people so I feel like a failure, i just feel so stupid and not able to control my emotions.

You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about - but he has! Why shouldn't he deal with the consequences of what his actions have done to you?

I do hope you're feeling a little "lighter" now you've let it out - holding it in for three weeks and putting a brave face on it takes its toll.

Thanks for your reply. I do feel so much lighter. Tonight I’m just going to have a self pity cry and wine night. I’m feeling better just letting myself feel the emotion.

You have nothing to be ashamed off, imo

You don’t need to be in control OP what’s happened is vile especially given you have a baby to be looking after too. I’d go and see your GP. I was prescribed lorazepam for panic/anxiety and it really worked and I didn’t need it for long!

I’m on medication for my anxiety what seems to be working well. I think today I just realised it’s all too much, I do miss him but I’ve held on to my dignity but getting rid of him and not showing weakness but today I think I did that. Which has upset me.

OP you have suffered a betrayal and if I'm reading right, a double betrayal as he cheated with a member of your family. This is a very traumatic thing to go through. All the shame is on him.

I promise you, you will get through this and you emerge stronger than before. I'm so proud that you have held to your principles and told him to leave.

@Dodgyshoulder you have been hit with a double whammy!!! him cheating and the cheat partner being a member of your family!! he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself! why did he bring his mother? is he not able to look after the baby himself?? was this planned for them to come or did they just appear?? I dont think I would be too happy. his mother, remember, has no rights to your child. you dont even have to speak to her. block her on your phone for a start. she is obviously supporting his disgraceful behaviour. was the cheat your sister???

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld the cheat was my cousin. Who I was very close with and spoke to multiple times a day. Today when I broke down, I almost called her just out of muscle memory, something I would always do cause we were so very close. I’ve not only lost my partner but someone who was like a sister to me. I’m glad I found out and they are not in my life anymore but it’s just so hard. In terms of his mother, we get on well, she was as devastated as I am but I guess it’s her son. So they live together. I see her weekly. She’s retired and enjoys coming to play group with me weekly but as my ex wasn’t working today he went with her instead.

Im also very close with his sister but I don’t know if I should distance myself. They are disgusted with his actions but hearing about him so frequently is making me go back and making my healing harder. I don’t even want to see him. I’m just trying to keep the peace for my son. I don’t know what the right thing is to do.

Don’t worry OP, hopefully your reaction will make him realise how much emotional investment you gave him. View it as a release and that you were showing him you were letting go.
Now to try and be strong in front of him if you can, it’s so hard I know.
can you afford to treat yourself to a massage and get your body to relax? (tell the therapist you may cry as in had a lot going on, but you don’t need to go into deal)
you are doing well, it’s a terrible thing on both his and OW part.
Congratulate yourself on being a decent, feeling human, don’t berate yourself. He may just feel a little guilty but would never say it.

You’ve been through something awful. You’ll get stronger. Don’t feel bad.

Oh I read your first thread x

It just seems like the world has gone on. He doesn’t seem to care. When I am in bits. It’s awful. Not that I want him back but I think back did he ever even love me if he don’t care what he’s caused.

@Dodgyshoulder sorry I read and ran earlier. What I can say here is the reason why your pain is so immense is because it’s a double betrayal by two people very close if not the closest to you. i think it would be good for you to see a therapist to help as this a traumatic time and you are a new mum too. You’ve gone through alot of change in a short period of time. Time to look after you. If it’s too painful seeing his mum if she’s going to keep mentioning your ex, you have two options : 1) don’t see her anymore 2) ask her not to talk about her stupid son.
i hope you continue to get support on this thread. Take care xx

@Dodgyshoulder I really think you should distance yourself from all of them. your only contact should be the father of the kids and that is only for discussions about the kids. no other in laws need contact with you whether you like them or not. not mil or sil! Your life is no longer of any concern to them. sorry about your horrible cousin.

It’s only been three weeks OP and you have been so strong to hold it together so far. But you don’t always have to be strong. I hope you have friends and family who support you and you can take some time to grieve this loss and heal. What a horrid man he is.

Oh hon. I'm sure a lot of people have said this, but abusers just loovvve screwing your support network.

I'm not saying you need to forgive her, of course. But definitely do acknowledge that he's [probably deliberately] cut off some of your support. And that's not accidental.

Chumplady, Zawn, and Lundy Bancroft btw. Also Freedom Programme.

You are anything but weak. What you have gone through is traumatic and you still get up every day and look after your DC. There is only so much one person can take. Try and take some time for yourself and therapy.

Did your cousin show any remorse? How did you find out? What do your family think about all this? I hope they have cut her out!

You are already being really strong, it’s only been 3 weeks, and the grief of a double betrayal with your best friend and life partner is horrible. TBH you’re being amazing even letting him see the baby, I’d cancel the cheating scumbag from my life until I felt strong enough again. It’s nice that you’re doing this for your son but if he’s only a tiny baby there’s plenty of time for you to just take a few months to process this and not see your ex at all. He gets to be back in your life when you’re ready for him to be back in your life xxxxx

You are not weak or stupid at all. You are going through the traumatic experience of a double betrayal. Be kind to yourself

Thanks for all your replies. So kind. I am tearing up. No unfortunately my cousin nor my ex has shown remorse. They are both liars so doesn’t surprise me. I am just glad I saw the message on his phone and black and white. If I didn’t, I would be doubting myself right now.

I think all of you are right. I think it’s time to take a step back from the family. It’s such a shame as I am so close with his sister but I know when it comes down to it she will have her brothers back. Unfortunately.

I had a couple of glasses of wine, I’m feeling better for the moment. If I had the money I would take me and the kids on a big holiday for a couple of weeks. Just to get away for a while. I want to turn off my phone for a few days but I don’t want anyone to worry about me. It’s hard. I feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

Panic attacks aren't a weakness, they are the body's response to stress. You're going through a lot of upheaval and trauma, so, cliché, be kind to yourself.

Some men deal with things differently. Don’t take it to heart.

This is what happens when someone absolutely smashes your trust to pieces, as always people don't think about the trigger just your reaction to it. But I'm telling you, it does not make you weak at all! It's a horrible thing to go through, the person you love and trusted the most betrayed you. It's hard to deal with, been there and it's totally changed.my outlook on people in general. Blows my mind how deceitful people can be and gives no thought to the person they are affecting. How can someone claim to love you then destroy you? It's because they didn't love you in the first place. Not real love. I hope you can move forward from this, best karma for him is your happiness without him. You will get there, please don't feel ashamed of your reaction, you are just a human being who actually has a heart! I wish you nothing but happiness

It will get better. Promise. In a few years you will look back and be amazed at the person you have become. Happier x100 without lying cheating scumbags in your life

Thank you for all your kind messages, I’m having a better day today. I think I needed to let all that emotion out of me. I actually felt a bit lighter today.