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Original poster

Feeling threatened by his 20 year marriage

21 replies

Moonlight85 · 10/03/2025 11:29

Genuinely curious to know, would it bother you if your boyfriend of several months had been in a 20 year marriage before you? They are only split about a year and it was her decision.
Anytime he talks about his past or holidays he's been on , I automatically think of her with him and get a twinge of jealousy. She's been such a major part of his life for so long. Is this a normal reaction?
He is also so sweet, never talks about her and treats me really well. Just to put it in context.
So would you find a previous 20 year marriage too intimidating or would you have a healthy attitude and just accept that is his past and that you are his present and future?
I hate that anytime he talks about something he did previously, I just know she was a part of it somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonlight85 · 10/03/2025 11:31

Also should I tell him how I feel about his long marriage and how it intimidates me? Or should I just try to deal with it myself. I don't want to ruin things with him, they are going so well.

OP posts:
ramonaqueenbee · 10/03/2025 11:32

I think you have posted about this before?

If you're feeling this way it might be an idea to work on yourself first.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 10/03/2025 11:36

I think personally you have to accept that a person has a past, the jealousy is understandable, but you have to learn to manage it. Over time you will build your own history with him and you will have memories to look back on. His Marriage will always be part of his life and you can't erase it.
If he was constantly going on about it or comparing you to his ex then that would be a concern. But from what you say it sounds as though he is respectful of that.
I would talk to him about it, but not make a big deal, i don't think you could ask him to do anything different that would change how you feel, but it would do no harm for him to understand how you feel from time to time. Communication of your feelings is an important part of a relationship.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 10/03/2025 11:36

This is a you problem.
Everyone has a history and past loves. You do too.
When you end a relationship you don't just get to erase those memories, especially 20 years worth.

A healthy person would recognise this and also recognise that there is a reason why they are no longer with the ex and with you instead.

TooFancyNancy · 10/03/2025 11:43

Sorry OP it’s definitely a you problem. I do understand your feelings, however you can’t expect him to not mention anything that has ever happened to him/that he has done for the past 20 years just because he happened to be married then. As you said, he is trying to be respectful by not talking about her specifically, however if everything for the last 20 years is off the table conversation wise- I can’t imagine he would have a lot to say!

pearbottomjeans · 10/03/2025 11:44

Don’t be with someone who’s had a 20 year marriage if you can’t handle it…? Massive part of his history and will have formed him into who he is today. Sounds like you need to work on your self esteem.

Original poster
Moonlight85 · 10/03/2025 11:45

Yes but what if I'm the rebound? What if he is using me to numb the pain or something.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 10/03/2025 11:46

I wouldn't feel 'threatened' by it at all.

But as she dumped him, they've only been split about a year and he's been with you for several months, I'd definitely worry he's on the rebound.

TwistedWonder · 10/03/2025 11:47

Moonlight85 · 10/03/2025 11:45

Yes but what if I'm the rebound? What if he is using me to numb the pain or something.

That’s the risk you take when you get involved with someone who is separated but not divorced.

A year isn’t long to be single after a long marriage. He might fe he’s ready but in reality he might not be in right head space. Personally as someone who came out of a 27 year relationship, I wouldn’t touch a recently separated man with a bargepole

How old are you both? After a certain age I’d find someone who hasn’t been in a long relationship more of a red flag tbh

TwattyMcFuckFace · 10/03/2025 11:47

X posted!

Why has he rushed into a relationship after 20 years?

He would've been single for a few months only?

EarthSight · 10/03/2025 11:48

I don't blame you for feeling insecure.

20 years is a very long time, and there additional factors here, such as the fact that she ended it and it's only been a year. Who knows how he felt, but for me, it took me at least a year and a half to imagine myself with someone else, and that was a shorter relationship.

EarthSight · 10/03/2025 11:48

Hold on...are they not divorced??

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 10/03/2025 11:50

I wouldn't date a man who had been single for a matter of weeks after a two decade marriage.
Is he still married?

Nothatgingerpirate · 10/03/2025 11:51

No, his past didn't bother me about my husband.
However, I'd rather sleep on a bed of nails, than look for another relationship or cohabiting ever again.

Ahsheeit · 10/03/2025 11:54

You can't know if you're rebound or not. You can't know if this relationship is going to last or not, because no one can predict the future.

Every single person you met will have a past. I was with my ex husband for twenty years. Ex being the important bit. I don't want him back!

This is definitely something you need to sort out for yourself. He can't change his past and neither can you. What you can do though, is change your view on that, whether that's just giving yourself a good talking to, ending the relationship or getting therapy to sort your head out.

Essentially, only you can do anything. This is a you issue, and no person on the internet is going to change that.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/03/2025 11:58

If he’s only been separated for a year and you’re already a few months in then he had been single for what, 9 months ish before you started seeing each other?

Personally I wouldn’t be getting involved in that. Chances are it’s a rebound for him and I’m not in the business of setting out to get myself hurt. 9 months is no time at all after a 20 year marriage, plus the fact he wasn’t the one to end it.

GreyTS · 10/03/2025 12:04

I left a 20 year marriage and my current partner definitely does not struggle with it, mostly because of the sort of person he is but also I had been single a couple of years before we met. I'd dated and slept with a good few men by that stage and the one thing I will warn you is that I definitely wasn't ready to be in a relationship at that point. Plenty of those guys were lovely decent me but I was an emotional wreck and even now that I think I'm healed I regularly struggle. Having a super secure unshakable partner is necessary and you are definitely not that. Find someone without a heavy past but work on your own self esteem and security because you clearly have very little

StCatsDay · 10/03/2025 12:12

You sound really invested in a relationship that you've only been in a few months. Don't bring it up, you can't expect him to never bring up his past because you are insecure.

serene8 · 10/03/2025 12:18

Are you much younger than him? I don't think I'd be that threatened by this unless I hadn't been in a long term relationship myself before

rubberduck68 · 10/03/2025 12:25

"He is also so sweet, never talks about her and treats me really well." That he doesn't flex her to you is really important. I had an ex who would insert every ex into a story; it was disrespectful, and such a snore. He can't change his past, so you will have to change your insecurities about that, or it won't work.

tipsandtoes · 10/03/2025 15:36

ToBeOrNotToBee · 10/03/2025 11:36

This is a you problem.
Everyone has a history and past loves. You do too.
When you end a relationship you don't just get to erase those memories, especially 20 years worth.

A healthy person would recognise this and also recognise that there is a reason why they are no longer with the ex and with you instead.

I think it's understandable that the OP feels a little anxious as he didn't choose to break up with his ex. And it's not been very long.

It would be easier if he had instigated the divorce.

OP I do understand and I don't judge you. U think what you are feeling is completely normal. People who are with someone who lost their previous partner to death can struggle also as there is an underlying worry that the partner did not choose to be single and maybe if it was up to them they'd still be with their ex

I think communication is key here.

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