I'm a bit annoyed with DH

[LoveFridaynight]

Back in November my husband had awful stomach pains to the extent he couldn't work (physical job). It cleared after about 10; days and all tests came back clear.
Now I feel I have come down with the same thing as it feels like someone is stabbing my stomach. It began last night and DH said he would take today off if I still felt rough to care for our autistic DS who's four.. I was surprised but was really happy that I didn't have to do school runs or battle to get DS ready for school (he's only there for 2 hours)?
Today I actually feel worse and of course DH went to work anyway, he asked how I was I told him and he said oh right get some more sleep.
I assumed from that he was staying home but he didn't and I woke up to DS chatting to himself. I called out for DH. No reply. I managed to get me and DS downstairs. I texted DH and he said he needed to go to work.
I'm more pissed off he said he'd take the day off and then didn't. If he'd said yesterday or even this morning he couldn't I wouldn't be so annoyed.
I'm also a bit upset he didn't do anything for me this morning. I asked him to get me a hot water bottle but he forgot, no offer of paracetamol or getting DS ready for school.
I understand he needs to keep his job as I'm a SAHM but he never takes time off when I'm ill and usually I don't expect him to (but he offered this time).
I just feel a bit hurt that he decided to go to work anyway. His solicitor was to get our 18 year old to take him to and from school, forgetting she's away for a few days. Even if she was here it's not her responsibility.
Do you think I'm overreacting by being annoyed? Or would you be cross in the same situation?

I mentioned about DHs stomach pains because I thought that was the reason he offered to stay home as he knows how painful it is. Just to add I did everything for him when he was ill. 100% of the childcare, making him drinks, getting him paracetamol. But I'm annoyed he didn't offer to do anything for me.

I'm not surprised you are annoyed OP.
Leaving the house and not telling you he was going and doing nothing to make you more comfortable was a particularly nasty thing to do.

He was thoughtless and left you and DS in a potentially dangerous situation. I'd be having a very serious sit down conversation about the choices he made.

I’m surprised you are annoyed.

I would be FURIOUS.

I would full-on address his thoughtlessness and be absolutely clear what your expectations are when you are too poorly to do anything- going forward.

This is so dangerous!!! What if you’d continued to sleep or worse, become unconscious? He just left a 4 year old (special needs aside) to fend for themselves? Appalling… I hope you rip him an absolute new one. What a selfish prick.

Oh, and next time he’s “off sick”, assume that also means in charge of child and take yourself off for a day trip…

Sorry I don’t fully get the bit about your 18 year old- can you clarify this? Was s/he there? Because I expect an 18 year old could look after a four year old till you woke?

The rest, Yanbu, especially if 18 year old was not there. He put your little one at risk.

I used to be married to man like that. Had nannies for him when he was young. I was in extreme pain turn out to need my ovary removed, blood supply cut off via twisted fallopian tube. He said rest and left me with 2 year old. After our 2nd child was born he picked us up from hospital I'd had c-section put car seat in the lounge with baby and popped 4 year old on the sofa and off he went. Self employed snd money motivated. I realised my fate a little late I suggest you organise now. We split 6 months later. Not saying your hubby's that bad but def pull him up and see hiw he responds.

She went away with her boyfriend last night and isn't back until tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure why DH suggested I got her to look after DS when she wasn't there, unless he wasn't thinking, well he obviously wasn't to do what he did.

OP I'm sorry because you are ill, and with a child with autism who is very young.
Your husband was sick (and well looked after) for quite a while- 10 days- and you are all dependent his income. He can't take unlimited leave. He can't risk the only income your family has.

But in your case, you have a SEN child. Your husband absolutely should have looked for someone to help. A family member, or a good friend available to help you. Anyone to help with your child. And he didn't do it and just went to work.
I would recommend depending on the severity of your child's autism to return to work. If you can, do not hesitate to do so.

He does not give a shit about you or your son. He is selfish. Most men are. Hope
you get better soon.

I’m pretty sure the last bit should read ‘his solution was to get …’ rather than ‘his solicitor was to get …’. I think that’s confused some people. If he was going to rely on your 18 year old then he should have gone in to let them know/wake them up etc but he just walked out the house and left you asleep with a SEN 4 year old child effectively on their own. I’d be furious with this. It’s dangerous, selfish and he only thought of his own needs. I’d be having a pretty angry talk with him.

I’m going to go against the grain here. I think it’s risky expecting the sole wage-earner to take time off work because you have stomach pains. He’s already had 10 days off sick with his own virus just a few months ago.

Also, you said you were expecting to have to get your DS ready and take him to school yourself yesterday and you were “surprised” that you didn’t have to. That suggests you’re capable, albeit you’d rather not.

If you were vomiting or had an upset stomach and couldn’t leave the house or safely watch a 4 yr old, then I think it’s reasonable to expect him to take leave. But not for stomach ache.

I completely understand it’s miserable when you feel rotten but if you’re a SAHM without childcare in place, the alternative is risky. If your partner has time off when they’re sick and every time you’re sick too, it could jeopardise your only income.

Are you considering going back to full-time work when your child is at school? If you do, you’ll be in a better position to take time off if you’re not well as you’d have childcare in place. Might be preferable?

I have SEN twins and am self-employed so I really do get the misery of having to deal with high-needs children when you feel grotty. I’m not unsympathetic at all, but I think unless your DH works for an understanding employer (which are few are far between!) then I think this is one of those situations where you just need to get through it.

Having said all of that, what on earth was he thinking when he told you to get more sleep?! Have you asked him?? Because that could have led to real risk with a SEN 4 yr old. Did he think that the child would just stay at home and safely in bed, without supervision?!!

This is what I’d be furious about. He shouldn’t have told you to get more sleep if he wasn’t going to stay off work.

If he really, truly cared about you both, he would have stayed. It is as simple as that. Instead he was too worried about what he would say to his boss.
Coward.

I was surprised because DH never says he'll take time off when I'm ill, not that I really expect him too, as obviously we rely on his wages.
I wish I could go back to work but it's not going to happen, at least not in the near future and I really don't know what DH was thinking. Lucky DS did stay in his room but that's not the point, anything could have happened.
I'm sad he acted like he doesn't care about me and didn't think about DS. I'm sad that he hasn't even called to check we're both okay.

you are all dependent his income. He can't take unlimited leave. He can't risk the only income your family has

Several comments like this, and they always make me bristle on these threads. Women have for decades taken time off when the family needs it and that's seen as necessary. But asking the man to take one day off (not 'unlimited leave') from his Big Man Job as parental leave - not sick leave - is apparently risking the family income? If we always jump to the conclusion that the man can't possibly do other than go to work, and let them off the hook like this when his child needed him, no wonder we still don't have equality in the workplace.

^This.

His kindness ran out after one day.

Well I'd never, ever be running around after him when he's unwell again. What a prick. Leave him to it tonight and take yourself off to bed.

I have some kind of bug which involved lots of vomiting yesterday and just feeling horrendously ill today. I needed to do pick ups / drop offs and childcare for my autistic children. I started but I was just so bloody ill, so DH stepped up and took time off work because it's a partnership right? He also did absolutely everything for the kids yesterday.

Maybe you'd suffer financially / job security if he took the day off but a good DH would be clear with you he couldn't do it and *do everything else in his power *to help you.

He has been selfish and dangerous, you need to tell him this so it never happens again.

There are ways to do things. If he had to work then he could at least have got his child up, washed, dressed and fed him and fetched you paracetamol / hot water bottle/ drink. Could also have thought of someone to call to check on you, maybe take DS to school. As it is he just thought me-work-go.

Hope it’s not too serious and you feel better soon OP, and next time he’s ill I’m sure he’ll be happy to look after himself.

out of order to not even say he was leaving who does that?

He thinks (and you seem to partially agree) that his paid work outside the home is much more important than what you do everyday as a SAHM. He really should have checked you were well enough to cope before he left. Next time he makes a similar suggestion, that he will take a day off, pin down exactly what he is planning.

What if you were both working and your kid was ill! Would he prioritise his work?
if you were so ill that you were out for the count then he has endangered your child