Would you be annoyed at this?

[backintothemeadow]

Had a row with DH yesterday where I ended up apologising and I’m not sure I actually should have.

We have two children, aged four and twenty months. I have them during the week pretty much constantly: I do work three days but DH is away so I have them before and after nursery solo on those days.

DH is pretty good at DIY and putting things together type jobs and we do have quite an old property with a fair bit of land. He does have form for deciding something essential needs doing, it absolutely cannot wait and this can often take up a whole day if you include the going to Screwfix or Toolmaster or wherever, buying the equipment needed and then doing the job. The issue is I am invariably left parenting solo again while this happens. It isn’t all the time in fairness but it does happen. If I try to protest I’m soon shut down because it is essential work.

This weekend DH saw some play equipment. Saturday was taken up with buying it (not local) then going to the DIY store, then returning the van he’d hired. He did take DS(4) with him to the DIY store so i got a bread of sorts then but I still had DD who because of her age is more challenging anyway. Had to do bath and bed solo. Then yesterday was putting the thing together so once again I had both children all day, took them out to the park and to feed the ducks, did dinner bath and bed on my own. Meanwhile DH is still banging about. I was struggling to get DD down and after the fourth or fifth time of bolting between DS’s story and settling DD and DH called up ‘everything all right?’ I shouted that no it wasn’t and we ended up having a row about it.

I honestly don’t think I’m in the wrong but DH is so convinced he’s the one who’s been hard done by here because he’s given up his whole weekend to putting together some play equipment for his children. But honestly yes it’s really nice and they’ll love it but for my part it’s the lack of prior warning and it’s the assumption that DH gets to do these things and I’m default parent. DD’s sleep is pretty bad just at the moment and I’m absolutely shattered, running on empty and I’m having to do it all alone.

You aren't wrong, but this is an issue that needs proper non cross communication. Neither of you will be able to communicate your positions when you're cross.

I suspect he's finding things to do rather than do his share of parenting.

I think this is really common actually. How often does DH have them both on his own? If the answer is "not very often" then it's possible he genuinely underestimates how hard it is with two little ones of that age.

He is basically stealing your down time and making you do a double shift.

If this was a work situation and he went off sick - who covers his back then?

I would speak to him and say he is responsible for the children 50% of the weekend - both afternoons so you can do what you need to do. Rest, read, bath etc

He is to be on task bedtimes -

Awful behaviour even if it’s something nice for the kids it’s not nice for his wife.

He probably is avoiding responsibilities but equally if you've got an old house and a fair bit of land there is always something that needs doing. He was buying and erecting play equipment on this occasion and had the 4 year old along for the ride on Saturday. Sounds like communication needs to improve about what you both want and need.

@Ferrazzuoli its very rare he has them alone, and he’s certainly never done it for the length of time I have to.

I know the answer should be to make him but I’m not sure how I could engineer a situation where this could happen and also I know I’d come back to the house an absolute sty and probably bed and naps and food all messed up and I’m not sure I can be bothered.

I think another problem is my time is accountable in a way his isn’t, so he thinks nothing of nipping out to get a haircut but if I want to get my legs waxed I have to properly organise it in advance to make sure I have enough cover so to speak.

When my DH does this I insist on doing “the hard boring job” and letting him” “relax”. We also had some raging fights about what is actually an urgent task and when is the appropriate time for the emergency task

it’s difficult as you can’t really change him and you are in the trenches with the kids

id look at an extra day or half day of childcare to maintain my sanity.
Failing that I’d be up early on Sat and fuck off to do “food shopping” and eat a quiet brunch on my own and leave him to it until 11.30

He's opting out of parenting. Totally unfair when you have small dc. My ex did this constantly. Nip it in the bud now.

Can you swap your working days ? At the moment he's away when you're working and doing the nursery runs, he doesn't even see that part of your life let alone be involved. Sounds like the balance is wrong and this all contributes to you being solely responsible.

It's classic I'm afraid. Him basically having a great time faffing around with non essential house stuff, while you're stuck 'single parenting' the kids.
When you tackle this you get...' well I'm doing it for the good of the family..huff.harrumph..".
I've been there and got the T shirt. I think you've got to find an essential childfree task for yourself each weekend and leave him with the kids.
Good luck. I feel for you.

@Doingmybest12 i can’t until September, but I’m cutting my hours down then anyway. The days I do try to avoid DH wfh as we just get under one another’s feet and when I’m struggling and I know someone else is in the house it makes me want to kill him, which I know is unfair but it does. It’s just bad for my stress levels. Next year I’ve asked for Tuesday and Wednesdays off and the other days to be shorter so I can drop DS off at school and pick him up.

I do find it hard as he just has so much comparative freedom and doesn’t even see it.

Sorry, misread working arrangements totally.

No your not in the wrong, things like that can wait when his missus is doing all the work, if he is off he should be helping you at home with the kids not buggering off and doing random things and leaving you to it. I would also be very annoyed about this too so no you're not in the wrong for feeling this way. Maybe have a chat with him about it all? Explain how you're feeling and see what he says.

"Child-avoidance work" is so common for men in the early, difficult years of parenting.

You need to address this with him and explain that for both your sakes and the kids sakes THEY need to spend more time with him alone.

And if him having the kids by himself for a while means that the house is a state when you return from wherever you've been, he then has to tidy it to the kind of state that he usually finds it when you've had the kids alone.

If you don't address this and change the way your family spends (or doesn't spend) time with each other now, you'll end up resenting him and the marriage will die anyway.

So give him the option of doing more parenting WITHIN the marriage, or doing 50% parenting when you've divorced, because that would be a hell of a lot easier for you, but make his life a hell of a lot more difficult (which shows you how unbalanced the level of parenting-labour is currently).

I love knitting. If I expected my husband to solo care for our daughter because I decided she needed a new jumper, he wouldn't be too impressed. No one enjoys entertaining kids/ feeding them/getting them to bed etc. It's hard work!
He's masquerading a hobby as hard family work. Don't dream of letting him away with it. I'd be offering to assemble swing sets if I was in your shoes. Or at least heading off to get the bits and pieces and leave him with the pair. Play him at his own game. He'll soon get it.