My partner broke up with me because of the relationship with his kids

[sheffex91]

I started dating my ex-partner 3 years ago and he has 5 children from his first marriage. A few of the kids I got along with very well and the others took a dislike to me. I accepted this and did not fight it as it was his kid's right to like who they like. However, I have found his relationship with his kids quite hard to understand as often they have openly told their dad that he is only good when they are in a crisis and only rely on him when something goes wrong.

As someone who is childless and has a different view of how I would treat my own parents, I found this hard to deal with. I wanted to be respectful and support him when this happened but often found his kids took advantage of his time and accessibility. When the kids would visit, they would treat his house like a tip and expect him to pick up the mess and he would moan about said mess and never call them out on it. Just for clarification the kids ages range between 21-35 so I was under the illusion they could clean up after themselves.

The relationship has come to an end recently as I found that when my ex's kids suddenly needed their dad in a moment of crisis, he would immediately stop what he was doing with me i.e we would be out for a drink or watching tv at one of our houses and our plans would have to stop on account of one of the kids saying they needed him to come home/be on the phone/ drop future plans for them. I totally respect as a parent you would do anything for your kids, even though I am not a parent I get that your kids needs come first but I am confused as to why I feel I am 'left behind' if you will? I suppose I am asking, did I expect too much and was I being selfish expecting to be on equal footing?

I am quite hurt that he has ended the relationship as I love him greatly but I have often felt 'second best' and somewhat disrespected when he would just up and leave me behind when his kids decided to appear out of nowhere. I have been blaming myself recently as I feel as I'm not a parent I may not understand and therefore I am being selfish by having these feelings.

Any thoughts/opinions/hard truths would be appreciated.

i dated a man we nicknamed the fireman. He loved to be needed and literally jumped out of bed when his late teens kid called him “pick me up!” And was in the middle of pulling up his pants when the kid called back to say never mind. In my case the guy had an unhealthy need to come flying in as the rescuer and had extremely unhealthy boundaries with his kids (and he’d resent them taking advantage of him so much, but he encouraged it). If your guy was like that, there’s nothing you can do but draw your own boundaries of how much of his rescuer mode you can deal with. If he has a healthy relationship with his kids and you just find it difficult then that’s another matter.

You have dodged a bullet. Five kids? Adults who don't pick up after themselves?
Why on earth would you date this man?

They sound dysfunctional. I think, whilst it’s hard to see it now, you’re probably better off out of it. If the relationship were to continue, you’d want to live together and you’d be more enmeshed with these immature adults. What ever is going on here he hasn’t done a good job of bringing them up and will continue to pay the price for it.

I think you’re better off out of it tbh. He sounds like a nightmare.

I wouldn't blame yourself. They are adult children, at some point they have to take care of themselves. People say things like 'your kids needs come first'. But you also balance needs and not all needs are equal at any one time. Some needs aren't about doing everything they ask, but suggesting they can do those things for themselves. Is picking them up from a mates to drive them home really a need? Or could they safely make their own way home, given that they're an adult. He made his choices about that, snd its his right. But you've also the right not to be automatically left in the lurch by a partner at every turn.

I am married to dh who has adult children and have exactly the same issues. To me it's about him showing me the same respect they fully expect for their own partners. It's about them acknowledging he has a life other than them.

I have 2 DC and feel fortunate my partner has none as I know some helicopter parents never let their DC grow up.
My partner knows I have responsibility for my DC and is happy to help too (he is happy to be stepdad), but if we have plans we have plans.
Unless I'm really needed, I wouldn't drop our plans to helicopter into their situation (one of mine is a young adult and the other a teenager mainly living at his dads).
Your partner's DC have been raised to be needy rather than to ask for help when they have real needs.