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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not seen friend for a while

14 replies

Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 09:20

Close friends, she can be really full on in terms of her expectations to meet up. I've always prioritised her to the extent she has her DD eow and I have her Non-Dd weekend dates in my diary and prioritise these fri/sats nights for her. Her dd is almost 17. My friend has a good circle of friends.

I've not seen her for quite a few weeks now. This is totally unheard of. I've just freely accepted invites from other friends, which has meant I've had no free time to see her lately. Usually, I would arrange things around her (she never knew this)

Yes I like her and still want to see her and be friends.

I think she is pissed off with me though. And now I feel guilty for not seeing her.

OP posts:
Gonk123 · 09/03/2025 09:22

Just reach out to her and see if she wants a night out and go from there. You won’t know until you ask. Maybe just say sorry you haven’t been as free as normal just a few things came up…

Vestigially · 09/03/2025 09:23

But did she propose meeting? Why did you previously arrange other socialising around her? And why did you suddenly stop? Why do you think she’s pissed off?

PriscillaQueen · 09/03/2025 09:25

You can see whoever you want to see whenever you want to see them. It’s probably healthier to have more time with other friends too. Otherwise this is a strange co-dependent situation and what if you fall out and you have no social circle? If you want to see her, do. But don’t feel bad for seeing other friends. You only get one life. Can’t she come along with others too?

Bourbonbonbon · 09/03/2025 09:26

If you've changed your behaviour without explanation, she is probably confused.

Original poster
Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 09:43

@Bourbonbonbon I agree. She probably is a bit miffed why I have not just jumped to see her.

@Vestigially she has suggested stuff but I've had to decline as I've had things with other friends organised.i largely arranged things around her as I feel she there is an expectation. I know she likes to meet up a lot. The tone of her messaging could suggest pissed off, but I'm reading into that. I worry she's pissed off. I'm a people pleaser, sadly. I think She knows this.

@PriscillaQueen she doesn't know my other friends, who are mostly old work colleagues, some from school and an old neighbour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 09:48

I feel like I should apologise profusely for not seeing her, organise something like a spa day etc for us both and pay for it... ...this is the people pleaser in me ?

OP posts:
smilingeleanor · 09/03/2025 11:41

just say - sorry can't make that date but am free on x

why the angst?

TheCatterall · 09/03/2025 12:44

@Ridewithme its healthy to have a wider circle of friends and acquaintances.

ask her when she fancies meeting up and give her some dates you know she can make.

Gonk123 · 09/03/2025 14:53

Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 09:48

I feel like I should apologise profusely for not seeing her, organise something like a spa day etc for us both and pay for it... ...this is the people pleaser in me ?

That is too much, suggest the spa day but don’t pay!

PriscillaQueen · 09/03/2025 16:04

Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 09:48

I feel like I should apologise profusely for not seeing her, organise something like a spa day etc for us both and pay for it... ...this is the people pleaser in me ?

Why?

PriscillaQueen · 09/03/2025 16:06

she doesn't know my other friends, who are mostly old work colleagues, some from school and an old neighbour.

so introduce her. Maybe she’ll make some new friends and not be solely expecting you to live your social life around her needs. I don’t really understand why you’re doing that to be honest. She’s a grown woman. She’s not your responsibility and you’re allowed to have other friends. If she doesn’t like that, well that’s unfortunate but it’s also not healthy.

Original poster
Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 16:41

@PriscillaQueen Maybe she’ll make some new friends and not be solely expecting you to live your social life around her needs

This is totally the situation/expectation

OP posts:
PriscillaQueen · 09/03/2025 18:42

Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 16:41

@PriscillaQueen Maybe she’ll make some new friends and not be solely expecting you to live your social life around her needs

This is totally the situation/expectation

Well then it’s completely unreasonable. She’s a grown adult. You’re not her carer or her partner. It’s not up to you to be at her beck and call. That’s not really a friendship it’s a service. Don’t stop making plans with other friends but instead, invite her to join in. Then it’s up to her if she wants to or not but it’s not your responsibility. Only make plans with her if YOU want to spend time with her. This is a very strange setup I think. There’s really no reason for you to feel guilty or responsible with regards to this person. You’ve clearly been a very caring friend for a long time. She needs to appreciate you not become cold with you if you don’t jump when she says how high. How odd.

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 23:56

Ridewithme · 09/03/2025 09:48

I feel like I should apologise profusely for not seeing her, organise something like a spa day etc for us both and pay for it... ...this is the people pleaser in me ?

See her in a normal.eay but dont feel you have to be there exclusively for her otherwise that's a bit controlling if her. Proper friendships are give and take

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