Sick of interfering ex, 5 years on

[Struggling876]

So as the title suggests I have an interfering ex.

we split up when my son was 4 months old because he was hideously abusive. A very very nasty man

over the years I’ve had some extremely difficult battles with him, regarding contact, maintenance and general how he speaks to me/treats me

I don’t think he wants me back, but who knows. I use to joke and call myself the ‘work horse’ when we were together as I literally did everything in the house and basically wiped his arse so I’m sure he thinks it would benefit him greatly if we ever got back together.

in not the same woman I use to be, I’ve recovered from the trauma of DV, and found my voice and back bone so to speak.

I push back on things I am not happy with when he’s trying dictate to me regarding our son which he certainly does not like. I don’t do it to be unreasonable I do it because it’s not in the best interest of my son sometimes but he can argue the toss for days. If it was an Olympic sport then he would be the world champion. Sometimes I do let it go because it’s more hassle than it’s worth but I do need firmer boundaries

anyway, I have met someone else and we’ve been together about a year. He adores me and my son, we have a fantastic relationship.

my ex has met him at handovers and has snubbed him from the first time he met him. Then my son started snubbing him so I spoke to ex and said it would mean a lot if he could stop snubbing because our son was copying. He was amicable on the next time he saw him but then any time he sees my new parter he just stares at him. We can be driving in the car and see my ex at the bus stop and he just locks eyes with my partner. My ex has started making an appearance in the pub my partner drinks in, a pub he’s never gone in before and continues to stare at him.

ex will start saying stuff about my partners children to my son, asking stupid questions and making fun of their names. My son comes home and repeats this, but says his dad has been mean and tells me and my partner what’s been said, we never ask if anything’s been said or prompt him.

my ex now is saying my partner is violent and has phoned the police as apparently he is beating me.

the police have been out and have said they’ve no concerns and asked me about my relationship with my ex which I was said all the above.

ex wasn’t happy that my partner wasn’t frog marched to a riot van in handcuffs so he’s now phoned social services.

I’m sick to death of it and so is my partner.

we had a little row about it today and my partner basically said he doesn’t k ow how much more he can take of it and although we know we have nothing to hide, is it easier to walk away than risk me losing my son as who knows what my ex is gonna do next .

is there anything I can do? Can the police do anything?

I have blocked my ex today, told him to email me regarding child matters but don’t think he can continue phoning my son multiple times a day.

am just so sick of it, it’s been 5 years! And he is still trying to control my life and sticking his nose in where ever he can!

please help

I have been in both of your positions, as the ex, and as the new partner of someone with an abusive ex, and i hated both positions...

All i can do is tell you from both positions is document everything, and keep reporting it to the police.

In the end myself and my partner separated because his ex was getting worse and was scaring me with the shit she was doing.. my partner had a restraining order against her, so she was doing everything to get him through me.

We remain friends, and have locked down both our social media.. its been two years and we're growing closer again and contemplating trying again, but being MUCH more private about it.. keeping it off social media... sometimes the less fuel you give them, the less bothered they are.

I just wish he would leave me alone

for 3 hours on Wednesday he was threatening me with phoning the police and social services it was so draining I felt unwell by the end of it. Then at home I was jumping every time I heard a car door slam thinking the police were turning up. It’s no way to live plus it’s taking the enjoyment away from having my weekend with my son!

truley despise him

My god, sounds awful!

Can't you get a restraining order on him or something? (Not in UK so no idea how it works).

So sorry you are going through this.

OP, you need evidence! Telephone calls, coming to the hse etc etc. Without it Police can’t really do a lot. Get legal advice about what can be done about him.

From now on tell him all communication re your son will be only via email. You will be blocking him from your number and get a cheap phone and give him that number for emergencies only. Make sure you tell him why and keep a copy of that letter.

Good Luck 🤞🏼

Did you ask the police what you could do? A non-molestation order - would that not be appropriate here? He is making your life hell in whatever way he can.
What drives this, do you think? Jealousy?

I’m really not sure what drives it.

i don’t think he can bare to see me doing ‘better’ than him.

he has no social life, i don’t think he gets out much with friends. He has said to me before (during another week long dispute about contact arrangements) that he either has his kids or works and basically implying that I should do the same and trying to make me ‘ask his permission’ if I wanted to go away with my partner for more than 1 night.

it’s so draining. I’m so tempted to ring the police myself but I don’t k ow if they can do anything for a start or if it will just open a can of worms and there’s my little boy here who is stuck in the middle.

I feel like I can’t even enjoy my time with my son because I’m on pins. I’ve felt disconnected and distracted this weekend and I feel my son is sensing something isn’t quite right. He’s only 5 and it’s not fair.

its exhausting me

Apply for a non molestation order

You need to block him on all fronts and only communicate on an app created for co parents. These apps use technology to monitor messages for any abusive or coercive language.

Why did you engage with him for 3 hours?

It's never to early to start kids down the critical thinking path.

So when he starts saying or doing stuff he's learnt at his Dads you say, do you think that is kind? Would you like it if someone said that about ......(your name)? Why do you think Daddy said that? Why do you think Daddy said that about me/kids/partner? Knowing what you know about me/kids/partner what do you think?

You do this every time. Then when it happens they very quickly recognize the behavior for what it is.

My kids father is awful. They went to court aged 8 & 9 against him. He lost parental responsibility eventually. They haven't seen him since 2015.

I had an abusive ex I found no contact between us helped. He had dds on set days at set times so we did handover but other than basic info I never spoke to him.
I wasn't allowed to speak to kids when they were at his so I returned thst rule at home.

He did slate me to kids but when they repeated stuff I just mildly said that doesn't sound very kind maybe we shouldn't say that. I never slated him in front of kids.
The older the kids got it got easier. Ex meeting someone else helped massively and he did meet someone before me which did make it a lot easier.
Once kids got to around 8 years old they were going out to the car themselves so I never saw him. And by teenager they made their own arrangements.
They are adults now, I saw him at edests 18th party (I invited his side as dd wanted them there) and at both dds graduations and that's all I've seen of him in about 12 years.
My DDs are not close to him either as he is still a dick (although not as bad I think) they see him a few times a year.

Do you have a CAO in place?
Can you use the grey rock technique and only ever communicate about DS logistics?

How old is your son? How does he have open phone access to him?

It’s harassment @Struggling876

make handovers done by a third party or somewhere neutral. He’s not allowed into your home if done on your doorstep so doesn’t need to see your partner.

as for your son speak to him about being kind etc and continue to explain why we don’t bully, pick on or laugh at others and why it isn’t nice. Maybe speak to school to let them know what’s going on. Ask for advice from them or other professionals on helping your son deal with daddy trying to encourage him to be mean to others. Children need to know coping skills when they have adults like this in their life.

does your ex pay maintenance? is there a parenting app you can use as the sole form of communication? Do not engage with his threats, log them all and use them against him legally or with the police etc to show a pattern of behaviour.

not sure if you said he’s calls your son a lot? If he sees your child weekly, just have one structured call a day if you feel it is beneficial to your son.

have you a court order for visits etc?

maybe get some legal advice and see if it’s worth stopping access if he can’t behave more responsibly.

big squishes and good luck

You need to stop engaging with him, every interaction that you have with him fuels his anger that you are more successful and functional etc than here is.
Do not interact with him in real time keep everything in writing, always respond 24 hours later, that kind of thing. Use plain boring unemotional business like language, do not show any emotion at all or react to anything he does.
Avoid any direct contact, do not speak to him on the phone.

You need fixed contact and use a court approved app for all communication.

Read about grey rock.