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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do i deserve this

24 replies

Mzlizz23 · 08/03/2025 17:12

I was living with this guy for two years. The first year and a half we had some arguments but resolved them. He is younger then me and there was alot of interference from his family because of it . They were always saying bad things about me to him because they didnt want us together, because of this he left a couple times but came back. Sex was a non stop from morning to night and anywhere or anyplace inbetween like 3-5 times a day. In fights at first was because he didnt like my friends so i stopped talking to them. We spent every minute together but he started getting weird about me even going to the bathroom if i was in there too long or if after i went to the bathroom if went in the kitchen and started cooking with out telling him because we have a room mate and he always has company so hed go out side the kitchen window and listen to what was going on and always would swer he heard me saying bad things about him and i wasnt. He was jelous i get that but it was kinda flattering because noone had really been like that to me before . I ended up having to stop working for the people i worked for and all things i was suppossed to be doing around the house as my "part" began to suffer because he pretty much demanded all my time. Hed actually told me i never made time for him, and would get angry every time i played games on my phoneb so i stopped. I couldnt just walk up to him and give him a kiss or a hug or even try to cuddle with him because doing these things meant we were goingn to have sex and when it didnt happen he would get extremely mad. In one of the arguments we had he told me all i wanted him around for was sex. It made me lfeel really bad because i really did love him and tried every day to make him feel that way. I was always uying him things or making him things writting him poems or letters. So i backed off a little on the sex just so i could let him see thatl i oved him for more rhen sex. He of coursse started getting mad and accussed me of not wanting him any more because it had been 2days and we hadnt had sex, i explained it was because what he said and he said he didnt really mean that he was just mad. I was so confused. The next morning he kisses me says he loves me and goes to work. He doessnt come home this is in the middle of december he doeesnt call doesnt text and wont answer my calls or text. I didnt know what happened to him He came home on christmas for 20 minutes to open the presents i got for him grab some things and the whole time hes here hes texting and talking on thee phone i got him that he couldnt even talk to me on. He gives me this bs story about how he had to leave because he cant make any money where we live , so yeah were in rural area so he like i need 2 more days babe and ill be home for good i promise .i had no choice so i said ok. He kissed me said i love you and left. 2 days come and go ssame thing hes ghosting me. He calls after new years and says he is coming home but needs gas money and actually has a conversation with me i send him some money he doesnt show he did this 3 more times to me once he said he needed medicine because he was sick and hed be home soon. I sent the money right back to ignoring me every time he gort money. I texted him im not your personal atm dont ask me for money again. He comes to grab some stuff at the end of january, missing my birthday but this time hes here we have sex, well i give him sex and he leaves. End of february he gets arrested on 2 warrents he has and im talking to him through this friend of his because i couldnt set my phone set up, and the jails let you email the prisoners now so i had been emailing him.ihis grandpa was really sick actually on the last of his days and i was missing him and wanted to spend time with him before his sentencing so i find a bail bond that will work with me on his bail its 57,000 but instead of 10% down rhe bondsman lets me pay 1,500 down and 200 dollars a month till the 6,000 is paid for. I sent him a lengthy email telling him that if he didnt want to be with me dont let me take on this debt cause i really cant afford it i was paying a friend back 200 monrh for the down payment as well as the bondsman . His bail gets posted at noon and i get a friend to drive me ro the jail thats 45 minutes from us and we sirt there from 2 in the aafternoon till 11:30 at night and they let him out he hugs and kisses me and im trying to tell him that when we get home he has to call the bond guy and esign the bond papers hes like i need to go over here to go pick up my car can you drop me there and ill be out ar the house in two hours i promise on everything i love he kisses me says ilove you guess what he never shows up now im frantic because the bond guy hasnt got his initial contact and can revoke the bond now leaving mee with a total of 57,000 im oweing if he doesnt sign the papers . I put out calls to everyone and hs grandmother was too. Finally he calls me screaming at me demanding the bondsmans phone number . Hangs up dont hear from him. 2 weeks later he sends me this text saying that he cant be with me right now and hes in theropy and needs to spend 100% od his time without any distracrion on himself and that i fucked him up so bad in the head he just needs to find himself but its not foreever and that he loves me and hang in there. Right after reading it i send a reply no sooner did i hit the send button my face book notification goes off so i go there and theres a picrure of him flipping me off and the notification saying hes been in a relationship with this girl since january im like wtf even though he wasnt here we haddent broke up he kept telling me he was coming home and wanted to work on us. I just dont understand what exactally i did i supported him rhe entire 2 years because he had warrents and couldnt work and never reaally asked him to wiork or clean or cook i did all that but why was it necessary to publically humilliate me after sending me a text that he was still coming back. Ive sat torturing my self because i seriously dont know what it is i did. He told me i make him feel bad about himself when i only ever tried ro make him feel good am i crazy and inadvertantly did something to hurt him i never wanted to hurt him only love him. Im still just wondering wtf and i acrually feel bad for hurting him but all rhe time the 3 months he iigored me and i didnt know if he was in a ditch somewhere or what, that was really hard on me too, still is . so did i really deserve this for making him feel bad and hate himself?

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 08/03/2025 17:18

He is very unpleasant and I hope you have ditched him now

sometimesmovingforwards · 08/03/2025 17:19

Sorry I didn’t manage to read it all, but how old are you both?

HoldingThePoisonDown · 08/03/2025 17:20

There’s a lot to unpick and I’m not sure I am following it all tbh BUT…

He sounds like an abusive user and you are well rid of him. He separated you from friends and told you who you could work with and made you tread on eggshells to make sure not even being able to go to a different room without him following you. You have to know that none of that is acceptable in a loving relationship.

Mosaic123 · 08/03/2025 17:28

He's rubbish. Get on with looking after yourself and block him.

MightyBust · 08/03/2025 17:38

TLDR it all, but he sounds dreadful. Get him out of your life for good OP, and move on.

You also need to do some work on yourself and your boundaries.

GreenWimmin · 08/03/2025 17:45

He sounds like a piece of shit and you sound like a mug.

You're well rid of him.

jsku · 08/03/2025 17:52

There is no supreme judge that decided and gives out what anyone deserves.
It is YOUR life. And if you allow people to mistreat and abuse you - yes, you deserve it, as it is your choice to allow it.

You need to grow up and learn from this. And not be desperate to have a relationship for the sake of it. I have no idea how anyone can allow this sort of treatment from a boyfriend…

Topseyt123 · 08/03/2025 17:57

Dump him. He's a controlling and coercive piece of shit.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/03/2025 18:21

He sounds like an abusive psycho. No woman in her right mind would go within 100 miles of him.

LIZS · 08/03/2025 18:37

GreenWimmin · 08/03/2025 17:45

He sounds like a piece of shit and you sound like a mug.

You're well rid of him.

This

MightyBust · 08/03/2025 18:41

Wow, I just scanned the bit I hadn't read, and it got even worse.

User5274959 · 08/03/2025 18:46

🙄

Justcallmebebes · 08/03/2025 18:59

I only read a half of that and that was bad enough. I hope you're not still with this bloke and I hope there are no children involved. He's an abusive piece of shit and if you haven't done already, run, run far away

VivienneBL · 08/03/2025 21:07

jsku · 08/03/2025 17:52

There is no supreme judge that decided and gives out what anyone deserves.
It is YOUR life. And if you allow people to mistreat and abuse you - yes, you deserve it, as it is your choice to allow it.

You need to grow up and learn from this. And not be desperate to have a relationship for the sake of it. I have no idea how anyone can allow this sort of treatment from a boyfriend…

That is such a horrible thing to say .
Thats victim blaming. People have all kinds of reasons for putting up with abuse and it’s not their fault.

OP you are a 100% better away from this cruel and abusive man . I would organise some therapy as soon as possible, as relationships like this can have major affects on future relationships but most importantly for yourself. Stay strong and I hope you can learn to recognise these nasty traits in the future . No one deserves to be treated so poorly .

Divastrout · 08/03/2025 21:10

OP you deserve so much better.
He really is only using you

jsku · 08/03/2025 23:23

VivienneBL · 08/03/2025 21:07

That is such a horrible thing to say .
Thats victim blaming. People have all kinds of reasons for putting up with abuse and it’s not their fault.

OP you are a 100% better away from this cruel and abusive man . I would organise some therapy as soon as possible, as relationships like this can have major affects on future relationships but most importantly for yourself. Stay strong and I hope you can learn to recognise these nasty traits in the future . No one deserves to be treated so poorly .

Nothing horrible - just stating the obvious.
A person who got robbed - is a victim.
A person who gives their wallet to a stranger - is not a victim.

I hate when women do stupid things, or live in some fantasy - and then talk about life being unfair, or deserving this and that.

No one is arbitrating or directing our lives - no one choses what comes our way. We encounter selection of people and events. What comes our way is NOT decided on merit. We ‘deserve’ nothing. What comes - comes. Universe doesn’t care.

So - you can only count on YOURSELF - and make decisions that protect you from harm.

The sooner OP learns this simple life fact - the better for her.

Mzlizz23 · 14/03/2025 05:28

sometimesmovingforwards · 08/03/2025 17:19

Sorry I didn’t manage to read it all, but how old are you both?

Im 56 and he is 25

OP posts:
Mzlizz23 · 14/03/2025 05:30

Justcallmebebes · 08/03/2025 18:59

I only read a half of that and that was bad enough. I hope you're not still with this bloke and I hope there are no children involved. He's an abusive piece of shit and if you haven't done already, run, run far away

Yeah no kids no together anymore but I'm still paying his bail!;(

OP posts:
Mzlizz23 · 14/03/2025 05:32

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/03/2025 18:21

He sounds like an abusive psycho. No woman in her right mind would go within 100 miles of him.

Well someone would he was cheating on me with her and now their together

OP posts:
Mzlizz23 · 14/03/2025 05:33

Channellingsophistication · 08/03/2025 17:18

He is very unpleasant and I hope you have ditched him now

Not with him anymore I'm still responsible for his bail even though he cheated on me and 8s now with that girl

OP posts:
Mzlizz23 · 14/03/2025 05:40

Yeah we got into it and I did tell him the California law for abandoning your stuff is 30 days and since he hasn't made any attempt to get his stuff it's no longer his I paid for it all or gave it to him anyway. We're threw. I wrote a song for him.J

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OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 14/03/2025 06:06

How long had you been together when you moved in. You can have a relationship without living together then it is more difficult for them to control everything you do all day. A man who stops you seeing friends is very controlling and needs to be dumped immediately.

Mzlizz23 · 22/04/2025 16:53

Thank you everyone for responding. Yes we are not together anymore. I'm alot older then him and I don't think he was ready for a real reationship. He still had some good moments but only at first. We were together for 2 years and pretty much lived together from when we started dating we were friends for a year before we started dating. I hope I answered all the questions that were asked and thank you again for all your comments

OP posts:
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