Is it over

[Camaco]

Hi everyone,

I've been up in the air regarding me relationship for sometime now. We have been together for nearly 9 years and have an almost 8yr old (yes, pregnancy happened VERY fast) and a 4yr old. The start of our relationship wasn't great, we never got to properly know each other before sharing a child which in itself was a challenge. I have found myself throughout the relationship keeping my mouth shut and doing what I can to ensure his happiness, I was able to negotiate with myself for a long time that my happiness didn't matter and that as long as my kids were happy and stable I could sacrifice my own. Fast forward to Dec 2024, we had the most unexpected and tragic news that my younger sister has unexpectedly passed away at the young age age of 36. Then in Jan 2025 I was given an ADHD diagnosis. After my sister passed I was understandably in a stage of grief (still am) and it just bought all these feelings back to me, it made me realise that life was too short not to live it. Then the diagnosis had (and still does) me going back and analysing all different parts of my life which now seem connected to my diagnosis. My partner and childrens Dad is not a bad person, he's not aggressive, lazy or horrible which is why I'm so confused about my feelings or lack of. As much as we don't really argue or disagree we also don't connect, he doesn't make me laugh or hug me, touch me, put his arm around me, we sit on separate sofas and have never had that cuddly affectionate relationship (which i do want) I'm terrified of making a mistake or hurting my kids but I'm so miserable. If anyone can offer words or wisdom or is in/ has been in a similar situation it would be so helpful. The reason I fell pregnant so suddenly was due to not realising the otc stuff I was taking at the time would interfere with how the pill worked, my child is here and I love her dearly so please be mindful around that particular part. Thanks so much in advance xxx

My marriage was like this. I loved him but didn’t feel close to him, and the lack of affection between us made it worse. Gradually I lost that love. We had one child conceived during the first year of our relationship. I live alone with my son now and it’s much easier to live alone than with someone you don’t feel comfortable with. There is no loneliness greater than being in an unhappy relationship.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's so difficult as he is a good father and he hasn't done anything wrong, I just don't feel anything for him, respect and care yes but nothing romantic. It's seeping out in other ways now, I'm very short with the kids sometimes and same with him, because I'm bottling these feelings up. I want to spend time on myself and for us as parents to focus on being the best we can for the kids.

I think you need to talk to him and ask if you can both reset your relationship and find love and fun etc together with each other.

It's always worth giving it a go before ending the relationship. Most happy partnerships take effort and commitment to last.

Thanks for replying.I completely agree with you, we have had many conversations over the years but eventually we always end up back at this point. I'm thinking about maybe a separation, where we still communicate and try to even go back to the dating period which we never did due to falling pregnant so quickly.

There's a lack of emotional intimacy there. As you don't actually dislike him but are dissatisfied with how the relationship is, what about marriage counselling together? You might well find a way back to being closer. He may be feeling the lack as well.

I'm so so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. This is devastating for you and probably not the right time to make a permanent decision.

However I don't agree that it's best for things to work out with him. You've never felt he's right. You deserve a life that makes you happy. My kids have happy, balanced lives with divorced parents. If you can co-parent well separately, that can be a really positive outcome.

Right now just take time to take in your grief, I'm so sorry, it must be awful.