Husband says he loves me but his attraction lessened towards me.

[Bubusssss88]

Hello mumsnetters.

don’t really know where to start with this, right now I just feel I need to talk my heart out to someone. And need advice, really.

So me and my husband have been married for 15 years, loved each other to bits.

3 years ago we had our daughter and that’s when everything started. We live far for family (both from abroad) so our daughter was our main priority without any help in the last 3 years. No date night, no time for our self’s. We argued a lot over the last few years I won’t deny.

then in 2023 I lost my mother, that obviously was a very hard time for me but our daughter was my main priority so I managed to cope and gotten better with time.

Then in 2024 july my husband lost his job and we struggled even more, (banking) he had a well paying job, he says he lost a big part of him. Still hasn’t been able to secure a job as the job market is so tough, he is trying soooo hard. :(

Then 2024 August he loses his father. At this point we are broken people. He is doing better but his job situation isn’t resolved still affecting him.

Our relationship never been this low. Couple of months ago I saw him watching FB reels of women in provocative ways. I told him it hurt me and seem to have stopped.

Yesterday, for whatever stupid reason I brought it up again, (I had lots of silly thoughts in my head that day, mainly because our relationship isn’t what it used to be after all that happened to us)

we had a very long, deep conversation about us, everything last night. He is very loving one minute then snappy the next. He told me he loves me, but his attraction has lessened a lot, he can’t imagine another woman besides him, he misses us as a couple, we used to travel together a lot) (obviously our daughter became our priority)
This hurt me soooo much I don’t know what to do with this statement. He says I’m a beautiful woman like I was when we met and I shouldn’t compare myself to those women he used to watch. I just feel like I need help understanding this.

any advice, suggestions would be very much appreciated ❤️

Grief is a tough one, and I wonder if you have both processed your grief for losing a parent? Young kids defo reduce the bedroom fun, but that's normal to a degree. Watching porn, also not the end of the world according to what I read on here. What made me sad for you, was that he confessed he feels less attracted to you. I would sit him down and make it clear that you want a sex life in your marriage (I presume you do), and ask him if he wants to do the work to bring that spark back or not. Also, "Loving one minute and snappy the next" is kind of a head-spin, and borders on emotional abuse because you are treading on eggshells in your own home, and that is not okay, so you need to tell him to stop that right now. It sounds like you need couples therapy, unless you two are very adept at talking to resolution, which it doesn't sound like has been the case over the last few years. Tell him that for you, it can't go on as it is and that being told he finds you unattractive is the final straw. If he won't do anything to improve the situation, well you have a bigger question to ask: is this marriage going to work for you?