I have to make a decision one way or the other

[Seaside1234]

I need to get up the courage to have a difficult conversation with my husband, and first I need to decide what I actually want.

Married 18 years, together 23 years. Children are 16 and 12. I do a stable professional job part time, he has a freelance creative career. He has a long history of pretty bad depressive episodes, but that hasn't been an issue much recently. I was diagnosed with autism several years ago in my early 40s.

7 years ago our relationship was in an awful place, then I found out he was having an affair. I was pretty psychologically screwed at the time after thinking he was going mad, going to unalive himself, etc, then found out about the affair - all I wanted was stability again, and we stayed together. Had marriage counselling which helped but felt a bit superficial (we were both v invested in making it work).

He lost all his work abruptly at the start of COVID, and long story short, I've been financially supporting the family completely ever since. I can afford to do this but there's not much leeway. His work has picked up a bit, but he seems to have given up on actively looking for new work, working with any ambition, etc. He's always liked a drink, but his drinking has significantly spiralled in the last 2 years. He continues to spend money on books, art materials, etc, as well as drinking, and has just told me he's booked a trip to London in the summer to see a band. I've just paid for a new roof single-handed without any offer of money from him, and when I stopped to think about it, even a word or gratitude. He cooks, and will clean the kitchen and do some basic tidying, but does no other housework.

I have the ick good and proper - we haven't had sex in 2 years and the idea of him touching me makes me feel sick. I don't love him anymore, although I feel tremendously guilty saying that.

Oldest child has big exams this year, and I won't do anything until they're done, so early summer.

I think I want to separate, but I'm so overwhelmed by that thought (because guilt and autism) that endless counselling and ruminating leaves me no closer to what to do. I know I would thrive without him, and I'm pretty sure I can afford it, but can I do this to my kids? I've no idea how I would manage the onslaught of other people's opinions, panic, grief, rage, etc (his parents and my dad will all have Opinions, and I struggle hugely with guilt at the best of times). I'm pretty sure I will be told I'm wrong, being unreasonable or unkind, etc.

If you've been here before, how did it work out for you? Thank you in advance wise people in my phone x

I don't think you are either being unkind or unreasonable. I would probably think you owe it to yourselves to directly and clearly tell him very specifically that you are out of steam and can't be married to someone who is contributing so little to the needs of the household and your own. Specifically he needs to work to earn more, and/or take the burden of running the home and family if he can't do that. The summer spending and the roof is a great way to give an example of how it's become unfair. I feel doubtful he's got it in him to rescue this if he can't think of this himself, but I think you need to try else he'll just play the bewildered wronged man

Life is way too short to be living like this. Believe me, as a lone parent for 15 years, my own company is so much better than a shit relationship.

It also sounds like you marriage has been or has shifted into a parent/child situation. With you taking on all the responsibilities and he's a child.

Not surprised you have the ick and want to move on.

Pull the trigger on it, wait until after the exams, then do it if you want to minimise impact on the older DC

Choose the right time, obviously, but can you go on living like this for the rest of your life? Where's he getting the money from to buy all his little luxuries and the trip to London,? It sounds like you don't actually want to have the Conversation. I can understand that, I'm the same, but it's got to be done unless you want to sacrifice the rest of your life to this man child.

Do what to your kids, remove them from a household with a lazy arse of a father who has a drinking problem? I think they'll be fine, certainly they'll be happy to see their mother being relaxed and enjoying life. As pp said wait until exams are over, use the intervening time to figure at the logistics and then go.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. And re your kids you would be removing a lazy arse drunkard manchild from their day to day lives; that has got to be worth doing. I think they will thrive going forwards without their millstone of a father in their day to day lives. Your mistake has been to remain with him here because of them.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. Sod feeling guilty; do you think he feels guilt for what he has put you and the DC through?. Not a bit of it. Divorce is not failure OP - living in unhappiness is.

Thank you all - you are all talking a lot of calm sense, which is what I need. I think I'll just need to take it one step at a time rather than getting overwhelmed by the idea of the entirety. Time to start herding my ducks and go to see a solicitor, I guess. I feel sad and guilty and frightened, but I don't think anything will magically make me feel differently.

Good first step seeing a solicitor because saying it out loud really helps. Our lives aren't supposed to be sacrificed at the alter of crap marriages. You can do this, it's a process and preparation is a good start.

I saw a solicitor, but I’m still married for now, and the one thing that happened is that it made me feel empowered.
I’m dithering, I know I shouldn’t put up with things now they are, but being alone will make my life so much harder. So solidarity to you.

Huge sympathies OP.
What a bastard he is.

Your problem is that in a divorce he will likely walk away with a huge chunk of equity from your house (less than half if you have residency of the kids) and half your pension (as doubtless he has none).

The Catch22 for people separating from feckless cocklodgers.

Still, the longer it goes on the more there is for him to take.

As for the other people: just say ‘It was hard to get over the fact that he had an affair, doesn’t earn any money or look for work, spends the money I earn on himself and drinks too much’. That should shut them up. If his parents cart on say ‘if you love him so much, you take him in and support him. My loss? I don’t think so’.

See a solicitor and work out how to come out with as little damage as possible.

Fear of the unknown can be overwhelming. You have taken the first step by acknowledging the situation and realising this is not where you want to be. Now think about your next step, which should be thinking about what needs to be done to take yourself away from the situation. There is no rush, take your time and make a plan to do small steps, one thing at a time, to change things and move forward and hopefully on to a better life. I would suggest contacting a solicitor to get the ball rolling and get advice about what you can do, what you need to do and what you are entitled to.

From your post I think it’s a matter of when not if.

So if you accept this situation cannot go on for ever, then the decision becomes easier.

I suggest, as others have said, to start arranging your ducks and preparing. You can do all of this without indicating you are pulling the plug.

This may empower you and make it easier to make the decision earlier. Or you may think you can put up with it for longer, until you can’t. If you end up announcing wishing to leave say, during an argument - then at least you have things in place.

My regret is that things got so bad the subject of divorce popped up suddenly and from that moment on my access to financial information etc was cut off by my ex.

Id suggest solo counselling if you can. If you feel you need more motivation to leave you could start putting more pressure on your husband to get a job, work harder in the home and cut down his drinking. It’s likely you’ll get pushback and the deteriorating relationship will push you to act.

Thanks again for all your thoughtful and wise words, I really appreciate it. It's helping me look at the situation calmly and matter-of-factly. I think I will gather all the info I can and speak to a solicitor before I try to talk to him at all - @Whatatodo79 it hadn't occurred to me that essentially giving him a heads up might be a bad idea, although given how little admin-type stuff he's capable of, I doubt he'd suddenly become a ninja at hiding financial trails. @DustyLee123 I'm sorry you find yourself in this position too, it's crap.

I was very struck recently by something from Let Them by Mel Robbins - the addict may not have reached their rock bottom, but you may have reached yours. I think looking at how things have played out with the roof recently may have been mine.