I'm going through a non molestation order for my ex partner who is my daughter's father. I got drunk Saturday and I really shouldn't have with how extremely low I've been feeling the last couple of months but I did and ended up giving him abuse because of how he has made me and what he's done to me mentally and emotionally. I know he will use this against me in the next hearing but I am very unwell mentally, I had to go doctors to get meds changed Monday and I've been referred to the mental health team. Yes before everyone says I'm stupid for doing it I know I am and regret it! He's a already given in his statement reply and when I have mentioned to my solicitors of recent events lately they have said to log it with the police and haven't sent it forward because my statement has been done.
In the past he has bullied my other three children called them names, shouted and sworn at them, has threatened my eldest on many occasions and has mentally and emotionally abused me, he's constantly used our daughter as ammo all the time and used her to control my life. I also said the other night when I was drunk and super angry that he can have her because he is always saying he can do a better job and constantly threatening to keep her and take her off me. Anyways long story short I have arranged two people to be middle people the first one lasted a matter of weeks because of how he is, was always slating me and threatening to keep our daughter and being too early or too late deliberately and not sticking to times. My mum decided to be the next person and she's said today no more because he constantly starts or makes digs and comments and she's also had enough.
People have told me for a long time to just stop contact because of how he is but I haven't as I'm not that sort of parent who stops a child seeing their dad but I think now enough is enough! He also knows I rely on the break because it's been very stressful being a single mum to three boys and a toddler, so he has had his way for the last two years it's worked round him and his works and when he wants her every time and it's also difficult for my mum as she works nights and sleeps in the day then has to deal with him being a wanker constantly. Plus when my daughter is two she will have 15 hours free and will start nursery too. He's threatened to keep her pram and has slowly got all the stuff he brought her back from me because I can't be bothered to keep arguing and fighting with this guy so just gave the stuff back. I'm the shell of the person I am because of this guy and i stopped him coming to my home last year in September because he just wants to start rows all the time and make nasty comments and digs at me.
Have I ruined my chances with this non mole because of a silly mistake I made early hours Sunday because of how low and emotional he has made me from all this constant abuse and threats? I just feel really low at the moment and now he won't be able to see his daughter because my mum has said no more. When it goes to a child arrangement court will they use this against me even though I've tried everything to keep him having access but he's the one who's now ruined it all?
I can't concentrate at the moment and I keep hallucinating I think it's the stress and depression that's making me see shadows and stuff. I've spoken to the doctor about this that's why they changed my meds because my old meds they gave me side effects and wasn't working anymore. I have tried and tried to be fair here but he just constantly throws it in my face! He makes me feel like it's me and it's all my fault and I'm the one being unreasonable but I'm not I just can't live with this shit for next 16 years! 😔