Your experience of couples counselling

[Liverpoolgirl50]

DH and I met with a counsellor tonight for an intro session. She seems lovely, and we are both keen to start. We have a lot to unpack.

12 years worth of communication issues, sex issues, depression, a pregnancy termination, an emotional affair, post natal depression, amongst all the other highs and lows of a marriage. We are at breaking point and want to try and save it, so are embarking on a counselling journey to hopefully help us start to discuss the issues we’ve pushed so far down. We love each other, but have lost our way.

Can you let me know your experiences of marriage/couples counselling? We aren’t sure what to expect, but imagine it’s going to be a long and bumpy road.

We had counselling as a ‘make or break’ situation- my ultimatum so DH wasn’t exactly enthusiastic…. However, it has absolutely been the best thing for our relationship! As you BOTH want to do it you’re already in the right headspace. Sounds simple but I’d advise you both to be 100% honest…. But choose your words carefully and always try to use appropriate language- words like always and never don’t help! We cried a lot during this time period and we also had reactive arguments about stuff that came up but we pushed through and since have really tried hard to actually talk to each other and not be over sensitive or critical. It’s hard work OP but if you love each other you can get through anything if you pull together.
good luck xx

Thank you so much @Secondwifenotsecondbest, that is so encouraging!

I agree with second wife. Same experience but sadly after deciding to stop in January, things have slipped back and I’m feeling a bit defeated now after how good we got things.
i dont want to have to rely on a therapist for our relationship to work.

I did.
It’s exhausting and draining, and then you go home with him. I wouldn’t recommend having counselling and then going to work straight after, your head is swimming at the end of the session.
I took up running, so after the session I would go for a run for some headspace. His mother babysat for us, so he decompressed by talking to her, in effect wiping out the whole session and I would come home after the run to find him very angry with me and ‘what I’m putting him through’, because ‘mummy said you should be nicer to me’.

Mine didn’t work. ExH talked the talk but never actually walked the walk, so in the end, the counsellor advised us to stop counselling.
But it’s a good safe space to work through things. I found out that I’m not crazy.

My husband and I bonded over how rubbish she was. During the sessions it was painful and not particularly helpful. Once back in the car we'd laugh at how crap she was. I did divorce him but nothing to do with why we saw her.

My ex DP and I saw a counsellor tonight for the first time. I asked if he would go so we could end things in a nicer way as I feel very angry with him for the way he treated me. I came out of the session sobbing and feeling like I hated him more than ever. I ended up ringing him and we sat in the car and talked after for an hour. But the session itself didn’t help me let go of my anger towards him.

I know other people who have benefitted from couples counselling though. So hopefully the fact that you both want to go - I had to beg ex DP to go - and work through issues is a really positive sign.

My DH and I had a 6 month separation and then decided to get back together with couples counselling.

She was really good, and it was a great way to open up honest communication within a time when all we could do was argue or ignore each other. It really made me realise how my childhood influenced my reactions to DH and he understood how certain things he did were triggering, and also what I was doing to DH. We tended to have very similar arguments that would go round in circles, and surprisingly, we don’t have those arguments anymore.

We always had a lovely meal after each session to talk further without the children around. Especially with the difficult weeks. I enjoyed that part too.

One of the things a councillor said to me and for some reason it stuck- ‘why are you both here? In my experience when a couple comes to marriage counselling, one of you desperately wants to save it and the other desperately wants to end it but doesn’t know how’
i found it quite an odd thing to say, in my case it was true 🤣 but just felt like she shouldn’t of said something quite blunt and decisive on the first meet.

I've been on both ends, both having counselling with my husband and I'm a couples counsellor myself.
I have loved doing both.

When I'm working with couples I tend to be very direct with what I see. I always tell people that going to counselling is hard work, and the work doesn't stop when you leave my office. And in the end, there's no guarantee your relationship will survive, but at least you'll have learned something about each other and yourself.

Most couples I've worked with have come out better in the end. Not all though. Sometimes there's just too much damage.

This is my experience. We had counselling that helped and counselling that was rubbish. It was also not the right time for us, we both just wanted to be having things our own way. We stopped the sessions when she asked us to write a fucking poem to each other.
The ridiculousness of that was the only thing we agreed on and stopped the sessions.