Is he lying? Hurt and confused

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It was my son’s birthday a few days ago. I connected my phone to our home Bluetooth speaker and porn noises blasted out into the living room where I was feeding my baby. I realised my partner’s phone had automatically connected to the speaker (he was in the bathroom). He eventually emerged looking flushed. I said nothing because I didn’t want it to spoil my son’s birthday but I felt sick to my stomach at hearing the noises of a woman being pleasured or pleasuring herself. I feel to blame. I probably have neglected his needs but this wasn’t intentional. I’ve since confronted him and he says he was looking up choking to understand if women like it or not (I had talked to him about the trauma this caused in my past relationship) and the article had porn playing in the background. I asked to see the history and he said it was on incognito so he wouldn’t be able to show me.

This has followed months of him staying up after I’ve gone to sleep, disappearing for 90+ minute baths with his phone etc. Admittedly our sex life has been non existent due to several reasons. We have 2 autistic children and an 8 month old baby. I’m currently going through the police process (waiting for a cps decision) due to rape and sexual abuse from my previous partner and I’ve been struggling with flashbacks around this. I have been open about this and explained I want to work on our sexual relationship and I understand he has needs.

I feel I know what I heard and I’m more upset with him lying about it than anything. He says he won’t admit to something he hasn’t done and he’s not going to admit to a misdemeanour and give me an excuse to end the relationship. Am I being paranoid or right to trust my instincts and leave if he won’t discuss this honestly? I’m heartbroken and struggling to see how I will cope on my own but I don’t want our daughter growing up with porn being consumed in our home, particularly not when we are at home going about our day to day activities. He says he wasn’t watching it but doesn’t see it as anything he should be ashamed of if he was watching it.

I'm sorry to say, but yes. It definitely sounds like he is watching porn. People can get defensive when they feel they are being 'attacked' so it can be difficult to broach.

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this.
If he is watching porn he needs to admit it.
And if porn is outwith your boundaries you need to tell him that you don't want porn in you relationship - he needs to know this.
I'm with you OP in that the fact he won't even admit to his porn use is just another way of disrespecting you. Taking you for a fool on top of everything else.
If he won't admit his porn use and he doesn't see that he is dissrespecting you by seeking his sexual gratification outside you relationship then really your relationship is meaningless..

I am more freaked out by the idea he was searching “choking “
The porn , the lies , the gaslighting , the denial , the dis respect . The choking ( I think he’s getting off on it )
Do you get 1.5 hr baths ??? Do you get play time ?
Is he a good partner in any other ways ?

I feel the comment about choking is a massive red flag.

get rid .

I’ve since confronted him and he says he was looking up choking to understand if women like it or not (I had talked to him about the trauma this caused in my past relationship) and the article had porn playing in the background.

This was a backwards confession wasnt it. He’s watching choke porn. What business is it of his if random women like to be choked or not? The woman he’s married to not only doesn’t like it but is traumatised by it. That’s all he needs to know.

Most male porn users escalate to more and more depraved things. No more long baths or long toilet trips for wanking while you do everything.

All of this!

i had this in the car once. His phone connected to the car Bluetooth and on his screen it showed the title of the porn he had been watching and porn sounds came through the speakers! Not good….