How do I safely leave my boyfriend?

[lionjay]

He's the only partner I've had. We got together when I was 19, and I moved in relatively quick with him + his parents. Never had a good relationship with his mother. She has always been emotionally abusive to me, narcissistic and never warmed to me.

3 years ago I attempted to split. I don't have family nearby, and essentially have no one I can turn to if/when I do this. He reacted awfully, and attempted to turn to alcohol, his mother was shouting "look at what you've done to him, you've done this", he accused me of cheating, having someone else I was running to, being influenced by others. I assured him it wasn't we're just no longer compatible. I don't feel attracted to him, physically or sexually. This has been causing surface issues again recently.

He has become controlling. Not allowing me to go to a work meal out. Every day I go to work and come straight home. He is unmotivated, we have nothing to show for our years together and this is no longer the life I want.

I've confided in family that I intend to do this. They agree I should and support me. I do not want to move back home with them. I love the area where I live. But I'm scared how this will go. If I prepare and arrange a place for me to move into this will not end well. He'll accuse me of all sorts, I worry he'll come to my workplace, I worry he'll act out, his mother will get involved. I worry I won't be able to get my belongings. He will not react civilly, there will be no kindness or good will. I am so scared.

I'm ready to do this. But I am so scared.

For context: I'm 27 he's 34

I would have a chat to women’s aid and seek advice on how to approach this. He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. They will help you have a plan in place. Best of luck.

Hi, your bf and his mother are abusive. Also the him turning to alcohol as you mentioned, that's not your problem.

You do as you say, need to get things organised, so that you can leave.
I suggest speaking to Women's Aid, or the National Domestic Abuse line, you can email etc some of these too.
To get help and support.
If he turned up anywhere after you have left i would call the police. As hard as that is to do.
Depending on your work place i mean if it were a place for example that serves the public, i was thinking if he kicked off in there the security would get involved anyway/police be called.

Plan to move out when he is at work. Warn work what might happen. If he turns up at work, call the police. Has he ever been violent towards you?

P.s and also you are 27, you have been with this guy short of a few years of all of your 20's, don't waste any more of your younger years with him/on him!
And thank god you didn't have any kids with him!

I would take things that are really important to your mum's ASAP and just say you want to do a bit of a clear out so that's why you're packing up some stuff and moving it elsewhere (you can say you're donating it or just say your mum agrees to store it).
Anything that is not massively important, I would mentally write off and think that worst case scenario I could just replace it.
Then I would break up and move back with your mum ASAP. I know you don't want that permanently, but you can get yourself out of the horrible situation quickly that way and find a new place for yourself later.
You need to remind yourself you only have one life, don't spend it with them.
All the best

As pp have said, the safe way to do it is to do it when they are out, or just leave for work and don't go back. If he turns up at work call the police.

Start gathering all your stuff and leave at your parents. Then start looking into alternative accommodation. Ensure you start withdrawing emotionally and physically. Then leave. Send a text and say it just isn't working. You Then do not need to go back as you have everything already. Plus block and don't be tempted to see what he says

Speak to Women’s Aid and also log the abuse you’ve suffered with the police, so if anywhere were to happen when you attempt to leave, they’ll have a marker on the property.

As others have said. Smuggle the important stuff out bit by bit. Accept you will have to leave lots behind. If your family is too far away to pop stuff to can you hire a storage container? Or find somewhere to move to and have an overlap of a couple weeks before you leave where you take stuff.

Sort somewhere to move to. Don't worry about what he thinks or what you get accused of! You won't be a couple anymore that's not your problem. You tried to leave and he got more abusive. He's had 3 years to change his ways and win you back. He's at fault here NOT YOU. They will blame you of course but that doesn't make them right.

Then you leave for the last time on a day when they are all out. Have family and/or friends come and help you so you can pack and leave much faster and will be safer if someone comes home unexpectedly. This means you can take furniture if you have furniture. Hire a van and just throw stuff in. Bin bags for clothes. Reusable shopping bags just stuffed with your other stuff. IKEA big blue bags are good too. This sort of stuff can be in the house or your car and not tip them off you are about to leave like a load of boxes and bubble wrap. Instead of bubble wrap use your clothes.

Do not forget your important documents.

As you drive off the first place you go is to the bank to separate your finances. And change your address etc. Make all the calls to get yourself off anything joint. Phone the bank etc in advance so you know the process amd don't waste time.

Who pays for your phone etc? You might have to wipe your phone and leave it behind an just get a new one if you can't take over the contract.

One thing I did was tell my ex I was having a clear out and selling lots of stuff to pay for us to have a nice weekend away to fix our relationship. I even put bits in fb market place and they 'sold' while he was at work. He then left early one day for a friends wedding and I was "too sick" to go. He left me behind and came home late that night to me gone

Does he work outside of the home? Do you have trusted friends or family nearby? Can you afford to rent somewhere by yourself?

Arrange for someone to come round with a van when he's out and move all your things in one go. Make a list of packing priorities. You may need a couple of people to help you depending on how much there is.

Go stay with your mum or have a holiday to get some immediate physical distance.

Block his mum.

Warn work that he may show up.

When you go back to work be aware that he may try to follow you home. Maybe leave at different times etc.

Carry a panic alarm.

Definitely call the police if he shows up. Try change your shift pattern if that's possible. Do you have colleagues who would walk you to your car? Best thing is book some holiday and go stay with family, not just for safety but for support.

Change your routine, any regular weekly clubs etc h knows about.

Call the police every time he harasses you once you have left. Initially you won't want to you will feel guilty and not want to get him into trouble. But the police won't do anything initially anyway but could talk to him and warn him off. If you don't start that record of incidents then when you actually want help from the police it will be like starting at the beginning logging all incidents before they deem it enough to do anything. I deeply regret not calling the police first time he harassed me after I left. I put up with it for months and when I was so scared I finally went to the police they did nothing for months because that history of it happening for months wasn't on record and was my word against his.

Don't inform him that you have plans to leave and don't tell him your new address.

Regarding belongings, I doubt you have much if you're living with him. It will be clothes and toiletries. If they'll fit into a cab, then wait until they're out, pack and get a cab. If you have a car, secret stuff away in the boot.

I would contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice. If he comes to your work then contact the police.

You can also ask the police to be present when you collect belongings.

Do you still live with his parents OP?
Do you have access to your own vehicle?

You need to get important things over to your family’s house by getting them into your car when everyone is out. If you can manage it all in one car load so much the better. If it takes a few trips, take the bulky obvious stuff with you on your final trip. Be prepared to leave stuff that is easy to replace. Take a couple of towels, a couple of coats etc leave the rest.

Go to your family first. From there you can arrange you own accommodation. I would suggest a new area rather than go back to live near him.

Texting him is the safest way to break it off when you are out after you make sure you transfer what money is yours from any joint accounts. Don’t tell him where you are staying. Tell him you want no contact and if he does you will consider it harassment. Warn work that he might turn up. Call the police if he does. Block him.

💐

Take any important belongings to your parents for safe keeping (passports, precious items, sentimental stuff etc). Asap.

Warn your workplace so they can look out for you. Preemptively warning them always looks better for you than if he were to just show up too.

Have a parent of yours or a friend there when you tell him it's over. And move out right then with your things. Have the moving van ready.

Heck, if you can afford to leave things, do so, and just text dump him. You do not owe someone who could be a threat to you, an in person split. Do not let him convince you otherwise.

Don't tell him where you are moving. Screenshot the break up text where you tell him you want no further contact. Then block him amd his family.

He cant accuse you of anything if you end contact completely. If he does...so? Don't waste your energy trying to convince him of anything. Repeat to yourself: 'he can think what he likes, it's nothing to do with me anymore'.

If he harasses you, report him to the police.

Good luck love, you can do it!

He senses you are withdrawing and is trying to keep hold of you.

Can you get post redirected to your parents? One less reason for contact.
Moonlight flit or at least take a secret day off work when you know for sure he will be out.
His mum will be pleased you are gone, forget about her.
He may well be outraged at your courage. "Face the fear and do it anyway."

Can you book an AirBnB for a month? Sooner the better.

Block his number, he can't harrass you or threaten you or get in your head if he can't contact you. Warn work. Ask to leave early or start late so you are not alone or predictable. Can you book time off so if he turns up, you won't be there dreading him making a scene?
Very best of luck xx

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Good advice here on leaving and not telling him. When you next get into a relationship make it clear you won't be moving in for a few years, that way it is easier to leave, the living together makes it more difficult.

I agree. Get yourself completely ready to move out without telling him.

I would also reconsider moving back home to your family. I know you love the area where you are now, but maybe look at it as a temporary situation?
Just quit your job, go back home and be safe for a while. Let others take care of you. You'll feel better being surrounded with family.
Eventually when things have settled down, you could always find a new job and an appartment and move back to where you are now. But at least you'll know whether your EX-boyfriend is going to leave you alone or not.