Deceit - 8 Yr relationship

[haze46]

On Sunday my toddler had my partners phone, when I clocked a notification from a website called Illicit Encounters. I took the day to think and research what I'd seen. So basically it's as it say it's a website for married people looking to have an affair. On Monday unusually my partner left his phone at home. Again it's locked but I can see another notification. These notifications weren't from individuals to be clear just the site. Anyway I seen the username, signed up and sure enought there he is. The profile had no details just his age, location really but it was there. Well I couldn't keep it contained when he come home he knew something was wrong, once our son was in bed I sat him down and very calmly confronted him.

He looked like he'd be caught as was taken aback but he tried to say it must have been really old, he was sorry I'd seen that and that I was wanting to hate him. He went to bed straight away and left me sitting. So be basically gaslighted me. He left for work I didn't see him but when he came back he said he needed to talk to me straight away. He said he was really sorry, that he'd lied (which I knew) that he's absolutely ashamed of himself, he did set it up but that he'd never messaged anyone and had never logged in other that setting up the profile. To message to have to pay so feel that's important. He said it was hard to remove to profile which I agree it wasn't easy. Anyway he's sorry, he's can't believe I've had to see that, that he's been that stupid and he was utterly disgusting by himself as that not the type of person he wanted to be. He said one night we'd been arguing and I'd gone to bed early and he sat up getting drunk and just sort of feel down a rabbit hole but woke up ashamed. I can see that the hadnt profile had been active for a long time BUT still it was there.

I donk know what to do or what to think go from sad to angry but just have a lingering sick feeling. Things haven't been great with us so this sort of feels like the icing on the cake for me but before anyone make a snap judgement. I'd ask you to consider the other factors. There are two children involved and our house is on the line if we separate, so it has a far reaching impact on two kids. I'd also be sharing custody of my infant and that's fucking heart breaking. Not to mention holiday, Christmas etc.

However this is a massive disrespect and I don't know how you move on or if I can but right now my situation is crap and so please what would you do?

If it was me, my marriage would be over. I'd also loose the house and have to split my time with three SEN children. The alternative is that I stay with him, keep my home and children, but can't trust him ever again - and that's not something I'd want to live with

You don't have to decide now, you can stay how you are until your children are a bit bigger. You can get rid of him when you are in a better position, if you want to.

It took him all night and all day to think up how he could downplay this with you and give an explanation you might forgive.
He's only sorry he got caught.
He is a liar so you don't know who he has met, what he has been doing behind your back.
Honestly OP you will never be able to trust him going forward because when the dust has settled he will be up to goodness knows what.
It's awful for you but he has shown you who he is.

That's the thing I think he is telling the truth, looking at everything and he is never away from home, he's here pretty much all of the time, he hardly ever goes to the pub unless it's us.

And we'll it's easy to complete a few fields on a form.

But he still did it and it's a massive breach of trust and so disrespectful. And I'm struggling to take it all in.

You don't think he did anything this time - but he definitely thought about it.

Sadly, people are not perfect and we are all capable of making shitty and regrettable mistakes, especially when we are drunk (and/or emotional).

It doesn't seem like he has physically or emotionally begun any kind of relationship with anyone else, but this is still a huge betrayal.
In your situation, however, I think I'd want to work on things.

I'd suggest he sleeps in another room for now and gives you lots of space to process this. You should be angry, and sad, and you should be able to feel and express those feelings. He should understand he's fucked right up and that doesn't mean a slap on the wrist and then everything's fine again.

He needs to understand he's broken your trust and that it will take a very long time to repair. He needs to agree to work on rebuilding that, for as long as it takes. It can't be rushed.

Wishing you the best, whatever you decide 💐

@DonnyBurrito thank you for such a measured response.

If this was so old, why is he getting daily site notifications? Surely if he didn’t want to be on the site he’d at least switch notifications off?
I get that you think he’s being honest now but this part doesn’t ring true.
It’s up to you whether you leave, but if you stay you have to be able to trust each other. This doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship if he’s a good husband and father in other ways.
Counselling could help you rebuild your communication and work through the issues this has brought up.
Being a single parent with shared custody is difficult and emotional, but being with someone you can’t trust is just as bad. Perhaps work out which is the least worst option.

My husband was only ever at home or at work. Except he wasn't.

I took years to leave and it was over something else but I'm 100% happy I did and my dc are pleased I've left now, even if they do appreciate I stayed before.

@haze46 - from what I have read on MN people here are very back and white. Whilst in my opinion life is very grey. Specially because we as humans are so imperfect. I would consider counselling. Fundamentally it’s about the ability to regain trust - and that is very very hard work but not impossible. It’s not wrong to want to fix what was broken and it’s not wrong to want to walk away. But both have to be invested in making the relationship work.

The fact he did this after a row suggests he has a spiteful passive aggressive personality. Everyone gets annoyed but most people don’t immediately look to cheat as a response to an argument. Notifications are annoying yet he didn’t turn them off. I think he got off on having one over on you, having this secret that you knew nothing about.

My ex did something similar. I forgave him and years later he did it again and cheated. Spite is often the motivating factor for a lot of cheats. Have you googled his username and checked if he’s on any other sites?

Does he have history of being passive aggressive and spiteful?

I've been on that site and for men to access anything they have to pay (a lot) although it's free for women. It's well known for sending lots of notifications, especially to men who haven't paid or whose memberships have lapsed to lure them back in. Most of the supposed messages to these men are fake, although it is possible to meet people for affairs.

It's also possible to see when they were last logged in roughly

Surely he hasn’t been getting notifications for years without stopping it? Sorry but I wouldn’t believe him. At all. But your decision if you stay in the marriage or not.

This is what I find difficult: if a couple are married and have taken vows to each other in a public ceremony then it's cut and dried when someone has broken their vows - assuming "forsaking all others" is part of the vows.
I'm not having a dig about people who chose not to marry or take vows: ít's their choice. But categorically saying someone has cheated becomes more problematic if vows haven't been taken.
A behaviour can be morally repugnant but not marrying you partner is a get out clause because you haven't actually promised to be faithful to your partner to the exclusion of all others

I'm so sorry but I think you should leave him. This is completely unacceptable behaviour.

This is a massive betrayal of trust and i put the ball back in his court and if he is truly remorseful then ask him to very directly hive him a timeframe of perhaps 5 day to write down/discuss how he is going to show his remorse/regain your trust. In the meantime can he sleep elsewhere giving you time to digest what you want. For what it's worth i don't think he has been having an affair but this might just be the wake up call you both need to work on your marriage, perhaps some counselling (if thats unaffordable some on line sites you can view together/work on but doing it together) Good luck

What?!

If you don't actually make wedding vows then you aren't morally obliged to be faithful?

You can of course be held to account in a relationship whether or not you have 'taken vows in a public ceremony'

OP, I appreciate you are very hurt, who wouldn't be? Just be mindful that most of the advice on Mumsnet is to get rid of the bustard. As if everything will be rosy after that.

Based on what you said I think both of you need to work on making your relationship stronger and better. Life is very difficult when children are so young. I read a lot of books on relationships. I don't know if you like reading. If you do, I would thoroughly recommend 2 books: 5 Languages of Love and Why Women Talk and Men Walk. I hope it helps

I think if you are both under the understanding that you are in a monogamous relationship and not seeing anyone else it doesn’t really matter if you are married or not. The hurt and betrayal are the same.

I understand the hurt and betrayal feeling.
I understand how legitimate that is.
But if no vows have been made then technically it's not the same as a marriage.
I've read so many threads on MN where women have been shafted because they are not legally married to the father of their children. And generally the feeling is the man had not wanted to actually marry her because of the implications to his financial situation. But I always think there is the moral element to it as well: by not marrying and committing legally the man feels he is not breaking a publicly acknowledged promise.

I can’t speak for all men but the men I know and are involved in my life do have the same belief as you. Whilst being married gives you legal protection for both - the vows you speak of are the same. If you enter in a relationship and decide to go “steady” then it’s the same. I think you are assuming (and I might be wrong) that because they are not married that the men aren’t as emotionally involved If as they were married. But that’s not the case for all men. I don’t think it has any bearing on being unfaithful or not. I think at some point if you are unfaithful you have decided that you aren’t as invested as you were before but I don’t think it has to do with being a “publicly acknowledged situation”. I would hate to think that the reasoning why my husband doesn’t cheat is because of the fact that we are legally married. I like to think that it’s because he would never want to hurt me that way.

@Ph3
Well I do agree with you that I don't believe in the " all" mentality. I'm totally suspicious and dismissive of any one who talks about "all" and " everybody" in situations because that patently can never be true.
And I believe that people can be totally committed to each other whether they are legally married or not. And indeed anyone with any moral compass should be faithful and committed to a relationship whether or not they are legally married or not.
But I still think standing up and publicly taking vows to each other should set a relationship apart from one where the couple don't and I feel some people deliberately don't take this step because not actually being married excuses then from exclusivity and commitment.
Having said that there are so many threads on MN which demonstrate that the " forsaking all others" part of the wedding vows is totally of no importance.

He was getting daily notifications 2 days running. When did he first create his account?

I don't think this is too bad. He set it up in a bad mood after an argument and hasn't used it. Probably made him feel that he was taking his power back. And it's great that he fessed up. You can see that it hasn't been active - sounds as if he didn't even fill it in, just set it up after the argument. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.