DH acting like he's in a different reality

[Mudonmyshoes]

I say D H, but he's not - as far as I'm concerned we're in a really rocky situation and there's a massive gap between us. We had a row at the weekend - about what for me are longstanding issues. Since then it's been just what's needed to sort domestic things.

The thing I can't get is he's acting like NOTHING is wrong. He's making me feel crazy. When we 'argued' he just didn't respond to what I said. It's like if he doesn't engage I'll give up and we'll go back to normal. He's done it before.

And he gives me no space. He should have gone to work today, but I happen to have a day off and he's coincidentally chosen to work from home. I'm probably being paranoid but there’s just no space.

Do you think he does get that you're unhappy, but he's in denial?

Maybe that's why he is at home, a sort of nervousness, that maybe if he's away from you, and can't keep an eye, you'll leave?

Do you feel cared about, do you feel he considers you when he is making decisions?

The pretending nothing is wrong is gaslighting, whether intentional or not.

I think I know the answer, but would he be up for counselling/marriage guidance of any sort?

If you can access that for just yourself, even, if might help you find how to get through to him, even if only so you will feel heard.

I don't really understand your post, do you mean you just said things to him and he gave zero reply, so no arguing occurred?

What's wrong with him working from home?

If you're not happy in the marriage you could book and appointment with a solicitor to find out more about divorcing. Life is for enjoying.

@Garlicgarlicgarlic yes, we don't tend to have 'shouty' rows so this was just me trying to bring something up, carefully explaining what I felt, asking specific questions - and he literally didn't say anything.

I probably am being paranoid about the working from home, but I would have loved to have the place to myself.

I have a solicitor booked and am trying to find a therapist I can talk to.

I just don't understand how he can act like nothing's wrong.

Yeah I was going to say that sounds like potentially gaslighting behaviour - either way, it’s not healthy and he isn’t communicating with you in a healthy, loving way. It’s saddening that men act like this. My last short term relationship did this a bit and also stone walled. Would dip his head and refuse to talk to me. I had to end things as there was no way I could be in a relationship with someone like that. Communication is so important to a healthy functional relationship.

Yeah, sounds like he has checked out but too lazy to actually fill in the divorce application.

That is so soul destroying, my ex was like this, you'd bring something up and it was just silence. No response at all. We are now divorced because I can't live like that.

I suppose the next question that you both need to answer is “are you willing to put in and sort out what is needed to make this work”?

Some people react differently and are no good at arguing in the moment but need time to think. External processor v internal processors. I would maybe say to him that you want to further discuss the issues once he has had time to think it through to let him know this isn't a case of you venting and then letting it get brushed under the carpet.

You spoke to him in person, face to face, asking questions and he said nothing at all?

Why?

I think this is all on you tbh. If you are unhappy you are unhappy. Leave him asap and get some talking therapy also

It sounds as though he’s realised you’ve reached the end of the road with your marriage, as well: your argument at the weekend made it clear where things are, he’s got nothing to add which he thinks will change anything and doesn’t disagree with you, and is just going through the motions of keeping things running at home whilst he thinks about what his next move is going to be. You’ve booked an appointment with a solicitor, now I think you both need to explicitly acknowledge it’s over and start communicating about how best to sort the practicalities.

My late OH used to really struggle to say anything in the moment. He grew up in an abusive home where saying the wrong thing got you beat, and the goalposts changed hour to hour. He coped by shutting down and just not engaging at all.

What helped us was to "have it out" over an instant messaging program. We'd both sit down at a computer and type out what we felt and respond to the other person's feelings.

Having the chance to read back what he wanted to say and edit it helped him feel secure enough that he wasn't going to accidentally say the wrong thing due to feeling flustered. It also helped keep things civil as you could get out your frustration by typing any insults you are thinking in your message, and then delete them before sending.

Once we started doing this, it turned every disagreement from me Vs him to me & him Vs the problem.

OP can you give a little more detail about the argument? How did it start? Do you argue regularly? Context really is everything

My DH did this and it's soul destroying. I'm in the process of divorce too as nothing is ever resolved if only one person is trying.

As to why he does it - because he can. It takes the least amount of effort from him.

You obviously dislike him deeply and he's probably begun to realise it and is insecure. Divorce him and allow him to find someone who likes and accepts him for who he is. In the meantime, book a few days away with friends and family to give you both breathing space and agree no contact at all when not at home.

He's stonewalling you. He doesn't want to hear what you have to say or make any changes so he's just ignoring you. You can't do anything with someone like this.

The reason for the argument is a whole other thread. I'm not trying to be mysterious - am just very tired and down.

I think it's more likely gaslighting than having checked out.

Highly recommend the book "too bad to leave, too good to stay" by Mira Kishenbaum. She actually discusses this very problem in one of the chapters. Excellent book.

That should have been "too bad to stay, too good to leave" 🤦...it's been a long day!

What was the argument about? If someone is being utterly ridiculous to me then I too would shut down an not engage. Sounds to me like this wasnt an argument/row, it was you shouting at him and him taking it?

Maybe he's not talking about it as he's hoping for an apology about the way you spoke to him first (not an apology for the issue, but the way you spoke to him).

Just leave the house and have a lovely day off away from him?

He's the one who shouted - but not last weekend. Over the last few weeks he's got randomly angry a lot. It's horrible - like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

But now he's being Mr Nice Guy. At the weekend I wanted to talk about how he was going to stop himself getting mad like that again - maybe therapy, like he promised immediately afterwards - but hasn't done anything about.

He probably does think I should apologise. Or at least just accept him being ok. But I can't because I don't know when he's going to get mad at something random again.

I didn't shout.

I'll look up that book @urghhh47 , thanks

Why are you staying in this relationship?

OP, my DH does this too even down to the working from home thing when I have a rare opportunity to have the house to myself. It’s infuriating and very claustrophobic.

We are also in a bad patch of just being functional and polite but definitely not intimate because on some level after our last argument I just can’t be bothered to initiate a conversation about it. Why should I? He’s shown me his level of respect (zero) so I just need to adapt to that reality. He also needs to adapt to the reality of me not being forthcoming in any way.

We did have couples therapy a while ago and his acting as though everything was fine after a blazing row was a theme. The therapist told us to look at windows of tolerance model as I tend to go hyper-aroused and want to talk problems out which triggers a sense of unsafety in him and he then goes hypo aroused abd shuts down/ can’t access his problem solving or words.

Obviously these are both outside of our calm states of mind so we need to take some time away from each other before trying to sort the problem out again.

It was going Well until DH said something to me which made me realise he’d learnt nothing from the therapy and it just put me in the zone it sounds like you’re in.

It’s hard.