Friends not lovers

[Beardeddad74]

First time posting here. I need help. I love my wife and we are the best of friends. But, we are pretty much only friends. Is it ok to accept this. Should I be happy that we are now just friends. Or is it ok that I feel we are missing something cos there is no intimacy? Whenever it even crops up in conversation its just dismissed or laughed off. Or when we have talked about it the classic "Its not just about that is it?" comment is made. And i agree no its not but it is part of it isnt it?

Any advice would be welcomed

I don’t really have any advice, but my first thought was that if it were my partner, it wouldn’t change the way I feel. We are best friends first and foremost, and everything else is a bonus. As long as you still love each other and want to be around each other, I think that’s the main thing and sex is just something extra.

I wouldn’t be happy in a celibate marriage or being laughed at when I brought up my unhappiness with it.

less about laughing at unhappiness more about a joke being made of why the physical aspect isnt wanted

Probably her defence mechanism that.

How old are you both.

I think the context is important - if there is no time for intimacy because you have a couple of young children and work in shifts around each other to care for them then stick with it - it won't last forever. If your partner has health issues that make intimacy painful or unwelcome then be understanding.

If you have no children or they are grown up and have plenty of time for each other but intimacy simply isn't wanted then you have to think about if this relationship will be enough for you going forward.

When you say Intimacy, do you mean closeness, holding hands, kissing, cuddling or do you mean sex?

all of the above to a greater or lesser extent

Tell her you need an adult conversation about it.

Are you willing to live with it? Myself and dh close to breaking up, part of it was because he started to feel like I didn’t love him. In reality I was worn out, down there wasn’t at its best (dry and sore) and in general he was getting into bed about three hours after me at night. It became a thing I felt obligated to do so I’d say ‘oh we’ll definitely do that again’ which made him feel like crap (I get all of this now when we are on the verge of breaking up). I honestly didn’t realise it was that important, definitely wouldn’t have put it as something that could cause so many arguments now so definitely talk to her.

Had a wobble and deleted my account. Thanks for your reply, I dunno about being able to put up with it. there is so much to consider

It really depends. You don't say why there's no sex or how long it has been going on. If you have 3 kids under 4, she's breastfeeding and knackered, then I'm inclined to say you need to wait.

If it' sbeen going onf or 10 years, then that's a different conversation.

What is her "jokey" comment about why it doesn't happen?

No definitely no kids about anymore, probably four years, and just makes light of any proposal to be intimate

What does "make light" mean? That's too vague.

I think you need to have a serious conversatino with her. Tell her how it makes you feel. Ask her seriously why she doesn't want to have sex. listen to her answer.

I think thre can be loads of reasons from hormones, to stress, to feeling under appreciated in other aspects of life, to a simply lower sex drive.

For a while I was part of different groups about this. What came up time and time again from the men was that there had been historical cheating, lying, alcoholism or some other behaviour that wasn’t ok. The men thought it was in the past and they had moved past it. Their wife very much had not.

Has anything like that happened?

Everybody is different. Sex is really important to some people and not at all to others. However, you need to have a discussion about it. It's not fair to have your concerns laughed off.

No none of this,

I agree with a PP. The info is too vague. So you don't have young kids, you haven't cheated. great. But you haven't said what she says is the reason. Nor do we know anything about your history or life as a couple.

Does she have health issues or is she in perimenopause?
You don't have young children, but how old are they, and how many do you have? Is life crazy busy with work/children/other caring responsibilities?
Did you have a very active sex life and so this is a big change, or did she always have a lower libido?
Are there other issues in the relationship - resentments about workload, stress about finances, difficult in laws?
How do both of you feel about your bodies?

Do you spend time together and enjoy yourselves together?

these are just a few of the questions that I think are relevant. But really, you should be talking to her. You need to understand truly why she isn't interested and then decide what to do about it.

Beardeddad741

Make sure ye talk about and think about it together would be my advice, remember what you used to be in terms of your relationship, why you got and are together (just advice but something I’d love to tell my dh!)