I really can't think of a suitable title for this, but...

[molecularbreakdown]

I am feeling uncomfortable and confused, and the two people I would normally talk things over with are directly involved.

Due to a phonecall I received yesterday, I have come to realise (although DH warned me these things happen) that my sister is using the saving of our mum (she is legally responsible for her money/bills etc) to purchase things she does not need for mum. Basically she offered me tickets for my daughters and I (apparently in a special offer) to a play, and when I asked how much they were she said they were coming out of somebody elses money. I didn't know how to refuse/didn't want to refuse but now I feel really dishonest and don't know what to do!

Confront her! I'm not sure why you feel dishonest...its her thats ripping off her own mother. What are you worried about?

Talk to her about it. Are you certain that's what she's doing and that she does it regularly? Perhaps your mum wanted her to get the tickets for you and she hasn't explained herself very well? (Just based on what you've written there, obviously the conversation may have been clearer to you.)

The way she said it, mum doesn't know. She has Alzheimers, and recently was in a home for respite care, during which my sister (at a Doctor's suggestion I think) visited a few times a week and got taxis there are back using mum's money. This was fair enough as she is reg disabled and buses are difficult and uncomfortable for her. She said I could do the same, but after I had done this twice I realised it was swallowing quite a bit of money at £7 each way. The way mum asked one time how I'd got there and how I'd afforded the taxi fare made me feel awful. I ended up getting the bus after that and paying my own way as I didn't need the taxi really (although it did cut out 25 mins walk and some travel sickness).

She has also started 'winning competitions' - something which DH's Uncle used as an excuse when he was (and this did get proved) swindling his mum out of money.

The reason I feel guilty is that before she got really ill, mum promised she'd lend DH and I some money to help us move house. We would pay it back only after wemoved and take however long we needed. Mum got bad really fast and we only got that loan because my sister gave us the cheque. Mum doesn't even know. Now I think DH is positive my sister is skimming money, and I don't think he will pay the loan back.

Erm, did I read that right? If she's taking money then he won't pay his bit back?! Er two wrongs don't make a right and all that!

If she's taking money then it needs to be investigated properly (police/solicitor? Or at least the threat of) don't let your dh sink to that level too.

I really think you need to speak to her. My Mum did a lot of this type of thing when my Na was still alive. My Nan was in a home, but had a very heavy safe full of her papers, jewellry etc. My Mum wanted it at her house (fair enough) but upstairs. She hired 3 men to lift this thing up there and charged my Nan for the priviledge! Not on.

Speak to her. Point out the error of her ways. Do it in a letter if you don't want to face to face.

Two wrongs don't make a right - but

If we are wrong, and the won items are legitimate, and the tickets to the play are a treat that mum would have taken her grandchildren to herself had she not been ill (they have never been to see a play, or musical or anything like that, as we couldn't afford it), do I get legal people involved and alienate my sister? I somehow don't think she'd take too kindly to being confronted/accused by me or investigated.

If we are right, do we really pay her the money back when it will just go into her pocket? We still haven't even moved yet so this bit is speculation.

Maidamess - you at least seem to be certain something was wrong though!

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is it possible to clarify what the legal situation is, as it does make a difference.

If you sister is the legal power of attorney, then she has discretion to purchase gifts/ items or even give sums of money to people in your Mums life who would she would normally have done so for, obviously the expectation is that this would be done fairly and in proprotion to what your mum would historically of given. So theatre tickets etc don't sound completely unreasonable if thats in keeping with what your mum normally does.

With POA the 'attorney' has a legal duty to keep detailed records of how money has been spent and a lawyer (whoever helped to set ir up in the firstplace) will have to look at these accounts at intervals.

If no POA was set up, this probably means that your mum set up to have her finances (ie bank accounts etc) in joint accounts with your sister, if this is the case then there are really no safeguards in place. the banks won't be checking up unless someone asks them to.

If your sister (and I get the strong feeling from your OP that you suspect she is) is indeed 'skimming' money then she is comitting a criminal act and could face very stiff consequences. if your mum is in in a care home or similar (or even getting care at home) and someone is spending monies which the law would expect to be taken into account to pay these fees, then the Local County council would eventually get wind of this and may insist on the monies being reimbursed.

you basically have two options, you can either 'confront' your sister direct, maybe explaining that if she were inadvertently overspending on her mums behalf then behalf does she realise some of the consequences. Hopefully this might jolt her a bit. if you dont want to go down this road then you can make whats known as a 'vulnerable adults referral', you just ring your local police station, and say you want to anonymously raise a Vulnerable adults referral. The police are generally very tactful and dont go in 'all guns blazing' but will take thr time to ascertain what is really going on'.

I think your Dh is on very sticky legal and moral ground to state he is not going to repay any loan, that may also be seen as trying to hide a gift which could be counted towards the cost of her care.

Hope this helps

She does have POA, I, along with my siblings, signed for her to have it, as she is the main person who has looked after mum for a few years (not living with, but taking her to appointments, shopping, etc, and visiting a couple of times on top of that each week).

She may not be 'up to' anything at all, as from the sounds of it, she is doing what you said and paying for family to have treats as mum would if she were ok.

It might be worth having a bit of a chat with her, as when the time comes for the solicitor to review the accounts there may be questions. Nothing wrong with a few gifts here and there but but we all know when its going beyond that.

I personally don't think there's anything at all wrong with you getting your taxi's paid for btw, if it makes your life that much easier to visit, it seems a good use of the money and is specifically listed as such by the POA guidelines.

Ok...considering it's mainly DH who is suspiscious anyway, maybe i should wait until I am concerned. It is true that mum took my sister out to see plays and things before she got ill...maybe my sister sees useing mum's money to treat her other children/grandchildren as reasonable now - it's not like my kids are showered with gifts and days out from all directions after all!
As for the taxi usage - if i get the right one (not one of those awful massive cars that are more like minibuses) it makes the difference between a 25 minute walk to the bus stop, then a travelsick visit, and a quick journey without feeling ill! I guess most mums would prefer the non-sicky visit
Thankyou for this advice btw, even if I'm not using all of it, it clarifies things somewhat.