I don't know what to do anymore, my husband hates me

[Onecurlatatime]

Hey everyone,
I have been with my husband for nearly 20 year from when I was only 18, and he was my first proper boyfriend. We have been married for 11 years this year. Things aren't great! We have always had these type of problems but they are just getting worse and worse. He has done some shit things in the past, taking out credit cards without telling me, got thousands of pounds into an overdraft then blaming me for it. We have 2 children both now at school full time this year, I have my own business and work a few hours in my friends shop too every week. It's never enough! Any time I have little dogs at him or I'm hormonal or just pissed off like parents get, he throws everything at me. Saying he doesn't need nagging he's got so much going on, then verbally attacks my character, what I have done in the past, how friends have fallen out with me, that my business earns very little, the list goes on. He says he says these things cos he knows it upsets me. I am no angel we both have a fiery temper sometimes, and I haven't been nice in the past but I have matured a lot since then, I know who I am now and I feel settled and happy with who I am which I never thought I would be. I am not really sure what I'm wanting anyone to say but is this normal, is this what relationships are like with kids, this is the only one I have had. He seems to hate me and when we argue it goes on for days, I ignore him and he just comes back with nasty comment after nasty comment. Even my eldest daughter who is only 9 has said to him just stop it leave it dad go calm down somewhere, then he says why don't you do tell your mum this then. He says he only ever says mean things when I say things to him first, but that is not true. I don't know where to go from here I really don't, in the past I have suggested marriage counselling but he is dead against it saying it's me. He always says the week before my period I'm awful and need to go to the doctor's about it. I feel like I'm just moody and bit more snappy. It's never ending I just want a happy life and a no argument zone for my kids, thanks for reading x

Look into what benefits you could get if you leave him. The system is set up to reward working parents. And from people I know, it does this well. There is a website called something like ' What am I entitled to.'

He does hate you and wants to hurt you and that will never change.

@Onecurlatatime Do yourself, and more importantly your children a favour and walk away from this environment. End this mess. He is nasty and resentful and letting the children live in that environment if not teaching them good life lessons.

This is not normal, acceptable or right. Yes everyone has difficult patches and you won't always agree, but it shouldn't be continuous, personal or aggressive. If your daughter is telling him to calm down he has anger issues he needs to deal with. Let him sort that out by yourself and find some peace and happiness.

So abusive

I feel sorry for your kids in this environment

Better to leave and get out

No. it's not normal. Why would you put up with that? Your poor children, having to live in a combat zone.

I grew up in the same sort of environment. I left at 18 and never went back.

Why do you stay? Could you survive on your own, now the dcs are at school?
How much equity is there in the house? Does your dh earn enough to pay his share of CM?

Hate him back and find a way to get distance away from one another, whether that be divorce or separation.
Who the hell does he think he is to dislike you and think that view is more important, your view is just as important and no doubt involves the best envioroment for the children, his view just concentrates on himself.

He's not going to get any nicer.

The bigger picture is your children, they have no choice, you can't bring children up in an atmosphere of disrespect with an idiot.

What an absolute waste of dick.

Why are you putting up with this ? Why are you putting up with this around your children ?

Did something happen during your upbringing that made you think this is acceptable ?

Get rid of him and go and do a freedom program so you can avoid crap like this in the future.

This is absolutely NOT normal.

Dh and I have been together 18 years and I can’t honestly remember a time we’ve ever treated each other like this. Yes we may disagree from time to time but it gets talked about and we move along, never argue in front of kids etc.

You need to put your dc first and leave him. It sounds horrendous.

Put a stop to this toxic environment for your children sake as well as your own well being!

End the relationship and seek ways to finalise your independence from him.

I just wanted to add aswell we are not from the same area, only 1 hour apart but I moved over to him for 5 years and we got a flat together and argued on and off there. We moved back round by me when we got married cos I wanted to start a family near my mum. We have lived back here for 10 years now. He's in a job he hates, his dad's health isn't great and he misses been near. But if I say anything not nice all this gets chucked at me how I have the easier end of everything. I don't work full time I can do what I want ect. Our daughter has epilepsy so that's hard too. He said he was going to fill out a form to claim something so we could get more money but he never has and when I ask he says it's upsetting to fill out, I said I would and he said he will do it stop nagging again. Basically I think he is not happy in his life in many ways and I just make things worse by saying anything or having a go over things, but isn't that just human! I am still here and have been because I love him and I know he loves me and it's not like this all the time. When we are good he's really supportive and encouraging with what I do and he is a really good dad and does bits around the house to help ect. This is why it's so hard, I just don't want us to be like this together, I think we can fix it and make it better and I really thought counselling was a good idea but he has always said no x

No, it's not normal.
Yes, the toxic environment WILL be harming the children, possibly permanently unless they have extensive therapy.

So what do you want to do now?

I've just added some more things in another comment below. My mum and dad always argued and me and my sister heard it at night times, eventually they broke up when I was about 14. I always wanted a happy family when I was grown up

Ofcourse he said no to counselling.

He is happy with the way things are. He deliberately is treating you like shit. If you went to counselling his abuse would come to light very quickly.

The longer you stay with this man the more damage there will be to your children.

Your daughter is growing up and will think this is just how men treat women. She is witnessing abuse and unless something is don’t the cycle will continue. She is even trying to protect you from abuse. No child should have to do that.

At least get some therapy for yourself. Then you might be able to leave and give your children a home where they don’t have to witness their father abusing their mother.

Does he mean claim dla for your child? It's worth it for your child if you can get it . Yes the forms are taxing to do but longterm worth it.
Stress won't be good for the kids. This sounds like a very toxic environment for them.
If he won't get any marriage counselling then it doesn't sound like things will improve.
You both should really discuss if you will be happier as friends living apart and raising your children.

You cannot fix this. It's over due to the abuse he metes out. To an abuser also, its always someone else's fault (i.e yours in this case) and never their own.
Look at his family background OP, that often gives clues.

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and now you are replicating your parents abusive marriage. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You would want better for them. Teach them that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your eldest child is already telling her dad to leave you alone. This is not something she should ever have to do, she should never be having that level of responsibility.

Joint counselling here is also never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse also is NOT a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of, it's about power and control. And he wants absolute over you all.

re your comment "When we are good he's really supportive and encouraging with what I do and he is a really good dad and does bits around the house to help ect".

He does not treat his work colleagues or people in the outside world like this.
Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were, no one would want to be with them. His apparent niceness from time to time is actually the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He won't change if you divorce him but at least you will all be free of his malign influences day to day. I doubt very much too that either of your kids would describe him as a good dad. Women in poor relationships write that or similar when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not further do your bit here to show your children this could become their norm in their adult relationships too.