My partner has been with me for over 20 years. We have adult / teens and a 7 years old. One adult is disabled, who has autism, and many of thier own things going on. They are struggling, they have thier own children and partner and house. (I'm trying to not be specific as I don't want them to see) we have another young adult child who lives with us, they struggle with mental health, thats but thats another story. We have our other children. Anyway. Me and hubby work. Me from home for a supportive service and him from the office as senior management. The older children were brought up by him as well, but they aren't his biologically. Whereas the younger 3 are. The oldest has her own issues, we have supported her significantly for many years, she had one child who she struggled to have and manage but with support from the entire family she did it, with her health issues looming it was difficult for her. We begged her not to have another baby for her health and we were wrung out from helping but because of her asd and her husband also being similar, they always said they'd have two kids and that's it! With ASD it's black and white and that's it. So for the past 2 years whilst working from home, I was up and down the hospital supporting her in her 2nd pregnancy(her hubby was at home with there oldest) my hubby was home with our children. I was working out of hours to keep my job, even sitting next to her at 2am, I was trying to balance my job, her, family, my marriage etc. However hed argue with me that "she can do it on her own and her husband should step up." (He was at home with the other baby). I felt stuck, exhausted and crying out for help but no one helped including me. What could I do? Ask my autistic adult child to go up to the hospital on her own as she was struggling not to feel the baby. Anyway. 9 hard months of her struggling, me not sleeping, me arguing every step of the way with her (over not going up to the hospital every 5 mins) whilst also at the same time arguing with my husband over "your family need you and your supporting her and shes just anxious or putting it on" my other child, and other adult children were safe, supported by me and him. And he told me that I'm ruining my job.(His words not there's they were always happy with work). I'm also arguing with the hospital as they are saying everythings OK with baby and they doubt she's not feeling her, then they say baby is small, too small. They drop all this on her and make her feel like she's over reacting. So fast forward to birth. I'm.not allowed in because they have this thing where if his mother can't go, then neither can I. I was sad but it's a choice for them as a married couple. I get a phone call she poorly after the birth and they need me. So I go and support them. Turns out baby was wrapped around the placenta, and right at the back and that's why they couldn't feel baby, added to how small she was, was why she'd had issues. We move on, I carry on working as normal dealing with my family, marriage and other adult child (whose mentally struggling) she lives with us. She has a partner whose she's been with for 3 plus years. They both work, until her mental health became so bad she couldn't and needed time to recover and find another job. They want there own place but it's expensive to rent and other than buying they have no way of moving. He lives with his parents. My husband dislikes people who arent our children staying over, often saying it makes him feel like he can't relax in his own home. Which I kind of understand. She stays at his house as much as possible but he also lives with his parents and they have rules. When her bfriend stays at ours I have to ask my husband, as I would always say yes as, me being brought up in a large family, it never bothers me about who stays, when etc. But my husband will more than often say no, even if my answer would be yes. So then, of course it's a no. Which I struggle with. If he says no, then it's no! Regardless of my feelings about it. Moving on. Our oldest begins to mentally struggle, her husband whose lost job after job because she needs him, has now stopped losing time off work and just has committed to being at work more as he's struggling with his MH. So guess who picks up the supporting of my daughter and grandchildren..me. ok so they are still at school but as of 3pm, giving me time to work, if I'm not taking them in. They are here until her husband finishes work. They are safe, happy and my daughter comes but just sits there either sleeping (she's ill and the pills make her very sleepy). Or not interested in anything die to her post natal depression soni end up parenting them, whilst working, managing dinner etc. I do this whilst also managing my life, other teen and 7 year old and work and house. Now the reason for my needing help/ advice apart from the above. Since under all this pressure, all this stress my husband walks in from.work at 6pm and is just moody, p off and sits there with a scowl, the mood towards everyone is palpable. Hes peed off that our older daughter is here with her kids, he can't relax until her husband takes her home at 6:30. So his moods are palpable. He's fuming most evenings when she's here, add to that, if the others bf wants to stay and I've dared to say yes on the odd occasion, then we have a row. Most days infact are spent avoiding his mood or annoyance. Well this mood has taken a turn to ignoring our oldest daughter, being "off" with our grandchildren also, because I apparently "put them before our family and he's trying to protect me and my health" i don't think that's the case, hows someone whoses like this help? His behaviours are unattractive and unhelpful. He's hyperaware of me buying something for my daughter and grandchild at the same time. Stating our grandchild isn't our child. So if I were to buy a tshirt, and hadn't bought our daughter one as she'd not wanted one, that's me choosing grandkids over the our children?! Then an argument ensues with him telling me how hard life is for us, how they should look after there own children and how our other adult child should just move out. Like she can snap her fingers and it's done. I spoke to him yesterday on the phone, told him I'd made a decision that my other daughters bf was staying due to him needed to be at this end of the county for a meeting at his work the next day. We don't see him, or hear him often. My husbands anger is enough to make me put the phone down to him at lunch. He accused me of not caring about his feelings, he's stressed because he can't relax in his own home. (With his kids, grandkids and a potential son in law whose not seen or heard) and I don't care. He then said " I don't trust him around our 7 year old as he's weird" no evidence just a feeling. I sat there and physically recoiled at the nonsense. Our 7-year-old is never alone with him, he's pleasant with her and he works with children so he's comfortable talking to all ages. I preface this with, I was abused as a child so I never and have never fully trusted any adult that's not related to me or I don't trust with our children, regardless if they are offended, I put my children first. She's never left with anyone apart from our other son in law in a pinch, or her grandmother. My husband sat and told me all these things, that he's struggling and I don't care.
I understand he's struggling but his behaviours don't help life. Coming in moody, being angry all the time. Being cold to our adult child and grandchildren. I'm struggling, he tells me he's trying to protect me from the stress when hes adding to it. He doesnt want to hear thatbhe is a problem. I feel that if mom can't help you when you're low, who can you turn too? Especially when your disabled and need it! Yes she mostly needs a lot of support, but I manage it. I'm stressed, disgusted in my husbands behaviour, I feel he's being selfish as he always adds to stress. He's not supportive just an added problem on my never ending list of problems. I'm worried our marriage is suffering and due to his behaviour, his current "I'm stressed when I get home" and " I put others before me, him and our 7 year old" stance. (Our 7 year old is very looked after being the baby) He calls our oldest a bad mother she's not, she's struggling. I'm feeling I can't do anything right for anyone, I help I'm.in trouble, I don't help it's adding a problem I'm going to have to wade into in the future. I'm not sleeping, I'm trying to keep it all together and work and be mum and wife but I'm currently failing. I am starting to hate my husband and resent him. Forgive the grammer its 3am for. Me. Thoughts?