Feeling guilty after getting involved with someone I shouldn’t

[Astrid256]

I (39F) separated from my husband back in the summer last year. We have primary school-aged children together. He is a great person but our relationship just fell apart for many reasons over the course of a couple of years. It’s been incredibly difficult and sad, and I have been really confused and grieving.

Unfortunately during this period of separation I ended up doing something stupid and getting involved with a man who has a partner and children himself. Added to this, we met because he is a healthcare professional who has been treating me, so any relationship was already ethically questionable from the start. We had known each other for a couple of months when things started getting more personal, and very shortly after I confided in him about my separation he made a move on me. I said no initially but eventually we began a kind of relationship, it only lasted 2-3 months before he called it off. I know it wasn’t right and honestly he treated me pretty badly during and after, I really don’t know what I was thinking.

The problem is I am now completely plagued with guilt. We live close by to one another and I often see him out and about with his partner and kids. He tells me she is very unhappy with their life and I can see why if he is cheating on her with other women and lying to her about it (he admitted to me he has done this before). I also worry that he may do the same thing to other, more vulnerable patients in future. I just want to forget the whole thing and move on, but I have this constant nagging sense that by letting him carry on consequence-free I am doing even more harm and being even more selfish. I don’t love the idea of reporting him and putting myself through the stress of all that that entails, and also don’t relish the idea of telling his partner what he’s been up to especially given they have similarly aged kids to mine.

Added to this, my husband is now asking me to reconsider giving our marriage another try, and am terrified that this awful “relationship” I had could also blow that up too if I decide that’s something I want. I know I am probably going to get a lot of stick for all of this and I do take responsibility for what I have done. I am having therapy to try and sort myself out. I would just appreciate knowing other people’s perspectives on this and getting some advice on what I should do now.

Personally - I'd focus on figuring out what you want in your life and your marriage. The fact that you had a fling while separated - is neither here nor there. If you decide to try again with your H - neither of you need to disclose what went on in the time you were not together. It'll be hard to put out of your mind IF you two want to give your relationship a good chance.
(and I think if you do that - go to couple's counselling. Something was wrong in your relationship, to cause it's breakdown. This is not going to disappear after a short separation)

As to the guy in question.... Leave it. You are not the morality police. He did not coerce you. Takes two to tango. And you have no idea what is going on in his relationship. Adding to that the fact that you live in the same area, with similarly aged kids.... It has a great potential to blow up in your face - and be known in your community. And as it'll be your word against his - it all can be twisted to show you in terrible light. Is that really what you want????

Agree with PP. Just walk away from the other guy. You've not done anything wrong, and yes your relationship is questionable but it was ultimately consensual. Just because you weren't happy with how he treated you, I don't think you can speculate that he may target "vulnerable" people. It's also not your place to put a grenade into his wife/DC's lives. Get your counselling and work out if you want to give your marriage another try or to focus on you.

Agree with PP, leave it and move on, reporting him will likely cause you more stress and possibly your family/children if they ever got to find out.
Whilst it's dodgy him seducing patients, it was consensual and with him being a serial cheat, nothing is ever going to prevent this.

Wow. Responses here are mad. Generally an op will be told to tell the wife.
But most worryingly a health profession took advantage. If he was treating you, then he is the one with the agency. Not matter if he was treating you for a mh or clinical thing, he is breaking every professional code of conduct and should be reported to his regulatory body. He abused you, even if you believe it was consensual.
Those saying it would be too stressful are v short-sighted, as are you if you don't. They'd be screaming blue murder if they were abused by a person that had form yet wasn't reported.

Personally, rightly or wrongly I would move on and just focus on my marriage and myself.

What I see here is that a professional took advantage of a vulnerable woman. You were the victim and you are not responsible for his bad behaviour and should not feel it's your job to prevent him from behaving badly again or to inform his wife if you don't feel able to do those things.

Look after yourself first and concentrate on your therapy. When you're in a better head space then you can decide how to proceed with everything else.

Do please report the guy to his supervisory body. He took advantage and shouldn't continue to be in his position without at least more scrutiny going forward.

If you were separated, you didn't do anything wrong in seeing someone else.

If you want to get back with your husband, just tell him that you dated other people. If it's going to be an issue to him, better to get it out there now, rather than it bite you in the arse later on.