Is this controlling behaviour?

[Shelbyofife]

looking for some perspective please! Myself and my husband are together 20 years. In our late 30s. We have always argued on and off but for the last year it’s been getting progressively worse. He has a very short temper and is quick to anger! He can be really venomous when he gets like this and shouts and rages (never physically violent).
This week it’s truly blown up! He has had an issue with me going to the gym (for ref: I joined the gym a year ago and go 5 times a week) I’ve lost weight put on muscle and I have gained so much confidence. He has started questioning why I’m dressing the way I dress - looking for attention (fitted clothing, leggings that show off my glutes), wants to know what my goal in the gym is and why I have to go so often, says some of the photos I post annoy him (he’s not actually on socials) one specifically was one from our holidays and I have a bikini top and denim shorts on. He also recently saw a message from an old work colleague on my phone (this person send a laughy face to a reel I had sent) I haven’t worked with this male for over 2 years and my husband demanded to know if I’m texting other men. Never have I given him any reason to believe I would cheat on him, I am nothing but loyal to him so this has really angered me. Is this controlling behaviour? Is it insecurity on his behalf or am I in the wrong?
thanks for reading 😊

You are not in the wrong, I repeat - you are not in the wrong.

He doesn't like your new-found confidence, and he doesn't trust you. He thinks that you might go off with someone else. That is making him want to control what you do, where you go, how you dress and who you are friends with.

So yes, it is controlling behaviour.

Yes it's controlling.
He's obviously noticed the changes in your appearance and new found confidence (great work BTW) and he doesn't like the change.
He's starting to try and control what you wear (by making the comments about them) and before you know it you will be choosing your outfits so that they done't cause a reaction from him.

His behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud - or you end the relationship.

These men don't just suddenly become abusive. They've always been abusive and you start to notice it when you challenge them. It seems as though he's kept you in line for decades but now you've gone rogue.

You're oozing confidence and have fine glutes and this is a threat. You're challenging him and he doesn't like it.

He shouldn't be going through your phone however, I wouldn't change anything. Get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation. You can chat to Refuge now and get some advice on how to leave.

yes this sounds a bit controlling! He has no right to tell you what to do or what you can or can’t post online. He’s jealous that you are looking good and he’s probably been sitting on his arse while you work hard. So he’s feeling insecure that you could probably do better

Yes it absolutely is controlling behaviour.

Oh I expect he'll dress it up in the old "I just want to protect you from all these blokes coming on to you, I care about keeping you safe" nonsense.

The bottom line is: He thinks you will cheat on him.

Sounds like you've outgrown him. Use your new found confidence to leave the relationship and find someone who isn't toxic to share your life with.

Thank you all for your responses. I genuinely thought I was going crazy!
Yes I do believe he has been abusive for a long time but I only have the clarity to recognize it now. He has always been temperamental, I walk on eggshells all of the time so as to avoid the shouting and arguing! Ultimately I end up apologizing just to make it stop and then feel like crap for not standing my ground.
everything is about how he feels and how I’ve done something to anger him and we never discuss his behavior! If I try to bring up something he tells me I’m changing the subject or moving goalposts or deflecting from something uncomfortable!!