Pregnancy has made me constantly re-live partners passed infidelity

[YourLemonCrow]

Hi everyone, I’m posting this mainly because I just don’t know if this is the pregnancy or I really am seeing things more clearly now. Il try keep this short, me and my partner have been together 3 years, I discovered 4 months ago that he had made a fake account to subscribe to the Onlyfans of my best friend of 10 years, he has never met her and never would they cross paths as she’s from another country, but hes intentionally sook her out because the fact she is my best friend clearly turned him on. Repulsive behaviour but it had happened over 1,5 years prior and he had blocked her off long before I found out because he had felt guilty for what he had done, that being said before then it was not a one off, he was subscribed and paying for her content for a handful of months before he felt bad. I must admit around this time I wasn’t the best partner, I was struggling with my mental health and had turned quite nasty, sometimes I wonder if it was his way of punishing me back. Anyway, I really struggled to forgive this, the calculated desperation of it, to go through the effort to find her, make account, verify, link the bank and pay repeatedly made me so angry, whilst also slagging her off to me whenever he got the chance, slagging her looks off ect, all along knowing what he had been up to. Fast forward 4 months, I obviously decided to forgive though iv found this extremely hard as this is everything he pretended not to be. I’m now 8 weeks pregnant and before I was pregnant I was doing ok, didn’t think about it as much anymore and we were really good but over the last few weeks I find myself raging and reliving it, all day every day. We are both in our mid 20’s so when this happened was only early 20’s so I appreciate a lot of growing up to do. I guess my concern is, does pregnancy cause this? Or has it just taken time for it to hit me? We have also been apart for a few weeks which we never did at the time of the incident, if we had then I think I would of walked away. I’m worried I’m now falling out of love with him and will never move passed what he did but then I think the pregnancy seems to of made me feel this intense way. I know it might not seem that deep to some but it’s the fact she is my best friend, he has robbed me of that friendship now as it’s just not the same and the way I see it, he gets off on hurting me, he could of chosen anyone but he wanted the one person that would hurt me and that’s what I struggle with the most, I get so angry about it recently that I literally want to scream. I have also been really depressed and unwell since week 5/6 of pregnancy and our time apart might be allowing me to demonise him in my own mind. Did you hate your partners when you were pregnant as I really feel like I despise him now

Pregnancy has a way of making you see things more clearly I think, especially people, and the reality that a child ties you to this person for the rest of your lives can definitely make you realise that actually you don’t WANT this person in your life.

My daughter is 10 months old now and I can honestly say I never hated my husband during pregnancy, before or after! But then my husband is my best friend, he loves me just like I love him, he has never and would never do anything to hurt me, he would move mountains to make me happy and would rather hurt himself than hurt me- and I feel exactly the same way about him. He was my absolute rock during pregnancy and still is now in motherhood.

But then if my husband had been looking at other women online then he wouldn’t be my husband anymore and so I wouldn’t be pregnant with his child.

Thanks for your reply. I really wish I had been strong enough to leave at the time, looking back now he actually managed to have me begging him to stay after the incident, he’s really good at manipulating situations so that I find myself begging and pleading but since being pregnant and on my own for 3 weeks, I’m now looking back and seeing the gas lighting and manipulation very clearly too and the thought of anything like this happening again and pregnant or with our baby, makes me feel sick. Sounds like you’ve got yourself a great man, I wish I hadn’t settled like I have. Iv always been the breadwinner and the one forgiving situations again and again and again. I really wish I left in November because I don’t think this is the pregnancy making me feel this way, I actually think being on my own & reflecting has made me realise that I should of never stayed and my personality is not forgiving when it comes to other women, I can forgive a lot but iv bent over backwards for that man for 3 years and to think he was doing that, I had also just had a miscarriage when this begun aswell.

It's not often I post on these threads, but do you really want to be connected to this man for the rest of your life through your child? He does not sound like a good life partner. Pregnancy and early parenthood is extremely difficult on a relationship - even for couples who have a strong partnership and this man is showing you so so many red flags. You are early on in your pregnancy and you have time to think about options - including termination. You are only in your 20s - you have your whole life ahead of you.

It is true that hormones can make you think differently - i had severe PND and the postpartum rage i felt was quite scary. But I still knew that I loved my DH, I could recognise that it was my hormones and he was amazingly patient whilst i got better (mostly once DD started sleeping through a bit more and got a bit more independent at 8-9months old).

You are 8 weeks?

You have LOTS of options.

In my humble opinion the feelings of rage you have are:

a) 💯 justified and
b) your body’s way of telling you to get out.

Just for clarity, it’s not normal to hate your partner, no.

Unless he is a lying cheating bellend who is not only unfaithful but deprives you of your best friend.

no matter HOW miserable you were to live with, you didn’t deserve what he did.

I’d get out now - out of ALL of it.

I completely agree with what your saying, i really wish i was stronger back when i found out. Thing is im so attached to this pregnancy. I feel iv always poured my love into the wrong places and now I have something that deserves my love. I own my own house and have a successful business. To be honest my biggest downfall has been this selfish person in my life, draining my spark for 3 years and the pregnancy just seems to of shifted my mind set so much. Probably because he hasn’t been supportive, had he treat me differently during the last few weeks I might not be feeling this way now. He’s just coming round to the pregnancy now and now I’m finding myself like I need to keep him far away from me, when two weeks ago all I wanted was for him to come round and be supportive. But I can’t help but think I’m in for a lifetime of misery with this selfish person

He hadn’t cheated with me but he had some vvv bad behaviours. I found out I was accidentally pregnant and I hated him pretty much straight away. I also hated myself and felt like I’d have killed myself if I’d have stayed pregnant. So I had an abortion, split up with him a year later and quite a few years down the line I am sooo glad I had the abortion.

Thanks for this. Iv seen some people say they suddenly hated their partner when pregnant but I guess I’d be doing myself a massive disservice by blaming hormones for my justified disgust in his actions

I’d get out now - out of ALL of it.

Yes. You’ll be connected forever, with your child exposed to a creepy dad, his choices in partners and possibly half siblings.

I’m so glad your happy now and made the right decision for you xx

Thanks for your opinion! I’m glad to know you all think I’m justified, Iv been convinced this must be hormones but the more time the passes the more iv began to doubt it’s just hormones

You need to think long and hard about having a baby with a bad man. He’s not a good partner and he won’t be a good father.

my kids are teens now and every time their shitty father lets then down again/ ignores them / manipulates them / let’s his latest partner be rude to then / shows no interested in them / refuses to give pay child support or give them money when he has plenty - it breaks my heart.

I wish more than anything that I’d chosen a better father for them.

I know you’re right. I too had a terrible dad, I cut him off and never spoke to him again 5 years ago. I do always think of all the times iv just wished he wouldn’t let me down again and again and iv been reflecting a lot on my own childhood where my dad never turned up, was never a dad. I don’t want that for my child but I’m so attached to the pregnancy, have a lovely owned house and so much love to give, I feel so torn and worry i won’t be able to live with myself if I abort. I feel damned if I do, Damned if I don’t. He has an amazing mum who wants to be a very full on gran wether we are together or not which is good

You would be able to have a baby a few years down the line, OP. This won’t be your only chance.

I’m another voice who had children with the wrong man. It makes life difficult in ways you wouldn’t believe.

I think it's pretty natural to think "who am tying myself to" , when you're pregnant.

You being apart for a few weeks is significant, because left to yourself, you have time to think clearly instead of being gaslighted and distracted.

Seems to me that this guy is a lemon.

I think you'd be better off staying apart.

If you want to continue the pregnancy, then obviously you have to do what feels right for you.

I would not make any decisions on the basis of his mum being an involved grandparent. It's easy to say in the excitement of a pregnancy, but the reality often doesn't look like that.

Hey girl, you need to do what makes you happy at this point, as I've read above, you are attached to this pregnancy, and you have always poured your love into the wrong places, that much love will make you a fabulous mother! You absolutely do NOT need a man, to have a beautiful family. What ever you decide, good luck. Maybe try talking it through with your partner, communication is key. Xx

Only fans subscription is unforgivable let alone your best friend.