Hi, (if this isn't the right place to post, please do move)
Sorry long post alert - have put a TLDR at the end
Has anyone been in a situation where you are having to live together with an ex after splitting up due to neither of you being able to afford to move out and just finding it confusing?
We officially split August after having difficulties and him admitting he had been on a dating site as he was lonely and proceeding to tell me we had split up months before, just because he chose to sleep in another room as he couldn't control himself sexually around me! (There's obviously a lot more to it, but this is what to me was the nail in the coffin so to speak. I'm not going to drip feed, but aware I don't want to make this too long either!)
He's apologised a few times, keeps saying he wants to try but over the months he has lied to me about various things, run away from confrontation and often pressured for intimacy - even when I've made it clear where my boundaries now are and that intimacy and trust take time to gain, but he just wants it all now. All I ever got was "It's your fault I can't control myself" as he's so attracted to me and "can you blame me" when I've explained how it makes me feel. I have given in/let my guard down a couple of times and we've ended up sleeping together, but aside from the few minutes it feels nice, I get nothing from it and regret feeling weak and allowing him to get his way (usually after offering to give me a massage and promising he won't push for sex, but he always does as "he wants to connect with me") - I've explained it doesn't happen like that and the pressure make me turn the other way and how I don't feel respected or listened to, but he doesn't get it as "he just wants to feel loved and is lonely" which I get as I'm the same and I've expressed this.
The more I've read the more I'm not sure if it's a bit of sexual coercion, but maybe I'm wrong? I have been advised he's been manipulative in the past with certain behaviour, which at the time I didn't see. But he has of course good qualities and tried to look after us and provide for me and my daughter, so I've felt like I'm the problem and maybe I should try again, in case I don't find anyone else that will look after us the same. I know he loves me and I care for him, but I don't know if it's enough?
I've been battling depression and anxiety (tbh on and off for years) but it's really reared it's head this past year or two, along with childhood trauma and delayed grieving, so I'll admit things haven't been easy, but I've tried to seek advice, I've been signed off work for months and I'm struggling with facing that again, but can't afford to be off any longer even though I know mentally I'm not in a good place. I hate my job and have always felt I could do better and have been told in the past I could (but never had the confidence or opportunity too as just always need to work); but I feel that I'm not qualified for anything that pays me enough to have a better life - this in itself is getting me down massively.
I've had various NHS therapy, but it doesn't last long enough and I'm currently trying to seek private therapy as advised by my GP - even though I can't afford it - some days recently I've almost had enough, but I feel I have to try and stay strong for my teen daughter.
He has a lot of his own issues, which sometimes he admits and others he ignores as he doesn't think therapy works!
I want to be happy, and show my daughter a better and fun life but I feel so trapped. I've had friends advise we sell the house, which I now have come to accept is the only way to solve the mess - but this then triggers that I don't earn enough. I want to and want to do better/re-train/have a career, so then it feeds my anxiety and I go round in circles and into a black hole!) I've lost all strength I feel I used to have to find my way in the world again. It then also triggers I can't afford anywhere else after years of being a single parent and renting, I thought this was my chance.
I don't have close family, I've never had a close group of friends even though I'm desperate for them - I have a few but they don't understand (they've all got various support groups/families etc to help them through their tough times).
I find it so hard, I just feel totally alone and trapped - battling wanting to feel better, spin this around yet I've got no help and it's bloody hard! I'm crying writing this as just feel such a failure. If I could disappear sometimes I would (counter productive I know)
All I've ever wanted is a close(ish) loving family, a sibling for my daughter and a to feel connected and have a support group with - I don't think we are supposed to go though life constantly feeling alone, but I feel like I've missed my chance and don't know what to do (I'm now 41). Obviously when I was a single mum for years, as painful as it was I did a lot with my daughter, now she's getting older it's not the same - I'm just taxi most of the time lol.
Sorry this is longer than planned and I've diverted the conversation!
TLDR: I'm having to live with ex for financial reasons, he tries for intimacy and I don't feel I can get back to where I need to for him. I'm feeling trapped in life with home, work, money and incredibly lonely and low. I'd love a family, to start again but worry I'm now too old. Please be gentle. Thanks.