No spark, second date or not?

[bananascentedhair]

To give some background. I recently came out of a relationship with a full blown narcissist (I know it's the descriptive word everyone seems to be using for their exes) but mine truly was. Undeniably, in the beginning everything felt wild, passionate, full of spark.... as time went on this turned into anxiety, unable to be myself, constant state of alert. He was my first relationship following my divorce and it damn near broke me.

I have not been actively looking to date but through a Facebook group (activity based one) I got talking to a guy who lived nearby and after some messaging back and forth, we agreed to meet for coffee.

Pros: He is respectful without being too full on/love bombing, no sexual chat (which I HATE early on), intelligent, seem to take care of his physical and mental health. Has 50:50 custody of his two young children who are similar ages to mine.

Cons: I didn't really feel that spark, and he didn't seem to have the humour that I have. But maybe that's nerves? And maybe the spark isn't always all it's cracked up to be?

He's suggesting meeting again... I'm not sure what to do...

I recently came out of a relationship with a full blown narcissist (

so just spend some time alone.

You have children op.
youve just one out of an abusive relationship
just focus on your children, you, family, work

I would work on myself for a couple of years, freedom program, making sure kids are mentally recovered from the narcissistic relationship before I even considered dating. So no. No second date

I think you need to be single for a while!

@Doggymummar sorry should have said. Beyond meeting my ex partner and spending some time with him, my children had very limited contact with him as our child free time was the same so we would tend to spend our time together when child free.

Thankyou. I think you are all right, I'm not feeling particularly ready.

When you are ready, you will start feeling to attracted to men the complete opposite to the ex, but in a good way, you should always feel excited to want to meet them again, the latest date isn't the one for you.

That's really good advice @smallsilvercloud Thankyou.

I am putting a lot into my healing and I hope I get to a better place soon.

I don’t think the spark is as important as respect and finding each other interesting tbh. With my DP I didn’t really feel a spark, I liked him and we had some nice kisses, but no fireworks until we went to bed!

If you were in a good place to meet someone new then I’d say give it a bit longer before you write it off, but it sounds like you’re still reeling from your previous relationship so do the work first to avoid inflicting your pain onto the next one.

Under normal circumstances I’d say give him another chance as it’s rare to find an instant spark.

How ever I don’t think you’re ready to date yet and need time single to heal and get your head in the right place.

Have a look at the freedom programme online which is a great resource for anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship

Thanks. I have looked into the freedom programme and will look to join an online course.

How will I know when I'm ready? I thought I was ready (took a year out from all men after my divorce) and then this man walked into my life and turned it upside down (in a bad way)....

When you've crawled away from an abusive relationship, it's impossible to find a spark with anyone or anything. You need time to heal and to be happy in yourself. You had me at "constant start of alert", which is what it is like being with a narcissistic man. You need to re-regulate your nervous system, and I think another OP said, you'll attract the right, good people once that happens.

When will you be ready? When you feel excited about going on another date, not anxious. When you go into each date with the intention of seeing if you like them, not the other way around. When you don't really care what that stranger thinks about you, and do not pretzel yourself into a shape that fits them; when you are there just for you until they prove themselves a worthy partner... When all of this is second nature... then you are ready.

@rubberduck68 Thankyou for your replies.

I know you are so right, I wouldn't feel a spark with anyone right now, and if I did I'd be terrified. I'm quite frankly scared of meeting anyone else because my trust in men is gone, and worst of all is I don't trust myself.

Will continue to do the work 💪🏼