Do you have a big ego?

[Curvedkitchencabnetslust]

I started a new much anticipated job a few months ago. My boss has enrolled me on a course. It is to fix my attitude in the workplace which apparently comes across as big ego assertive to the point of arrogance and is counter productive to what my new company is trying to achieve with important stakeholders.

I’ve completed the course, but it’s important for me to prove myself as a new addition in a reshuffle where everyone is jockeying for position while it’s all still being ironed out. I would agree that I do come across that way at times.
I grew up with three brothers as the only girl and had to learn to mix it up with the best of them or I would have been forgotten in the mayhem!
It’s mostly stood me in good stead, but now I need to manage that better.

I’m struggling to control my automatic ingrained responses, I would like some ideas about techniques I can use to turn the ego off when needed. I don’t want to get rid of it completely, this job is just a stepping stone to future plans.

It’s almost an all women team and my approach doesn’t work here evidently.

Are they asking men to do this course too? IMO exactly the same assertive/arrogance in women often equals payrises and promotions for men.

I've had to build assertiveness for my job (doesn't come naturally!) but I do still sometimes have to take a step back and think about what's the best outcome for the company - even if it's not the best for my ego 😂 And if it's someone senior steamrolling my perfectly good idea, instead of fighting it I acknowledge in my brain it's just been made a job for 'beyond my paygrade' and try to move on.

Agree with first poster - did any men do the course, too? Or does your boss just think you should be more pliant because you’re female?

In any case, good teamwork involves being collaborative and allowing everyone their voice and contribution. Also notice the quiet people. That’s a good place to start.

Can you give some actual examples of things you’ve said or done? It’s hard to judge without this.

My reaction to your post was the same as the PP. Could there be a bit of sexism at play here? I guess you probably do need, though, to find out what it is they're objecting to and see if there are any adjustments you could realistically try.

You’re in an all woman team, using strategies to hold your own against brothers.

I assume that means trying to steamroller everyone else which is fine if everyone is behaving the same way. They aren’t.

Try listening to your colleagues. Learning about their strengths and weakness will put you in a better position to be collaborative.

The aim of this game is to be useful and get results, not to win.

Most importantly, didn’t the course show you what’s needed?

To answer your question directly, there is a huge difference between ego, confidence, assertiveness, and arrogance. Those four things can often be mistaken for each other.

You should focus on being assertive and confident without being arrogant and ego driven. Making sure everyone in the room feels like they will be listened to, and their opinion valued is a good start. If you make a decision that overrules others, make it clear why you have come to the conclusion you did.

I have often found that the quietest people are often where the best ideas come from, and they will never speak if they feel that they can't get anywhere. They are a good barometer of whether you are seen as approachable. Focus some effort in this area.

Also, identify who the influences are in your team. Focus effort here too and they will advocate for you.

What was the title of the course?
Ego doesn’t necessarily stop people from getting things done in the workplace. It might help them not be doormats though.
People with big egos aren’t necessarily short on emotional intelligence either. Though they can be.

But then .. ego is not a quantifiable SMART objective character quirk. If I was your boss I’d be very wary of using your “ego” as something you need to change.

So if your work is using the phrase “ego” it might be helpful for you to explain here what your manager has been saying, using specific examples of what you did / do - re: dealings with stakeholders and your approach.

What course was it?

(Asking for Elon for a friend.)

Let me guess, you work on a male dominated environment, with few females in senior positions. You're labels as having a 'big ego' but a man who takes the same stance is labeled a leader.

I think as long as you're not being rude or disrespectful I'd be looking for alternative employment.

How does your big ego manifest? Do you listen to others? Are you always the first to speak ? Do you interrupt people?

At meetings, make a list of those present. Tick each time someone talks. Make sure you make as many interventions as the average.
Use an AI to check emails before you send to make them more friendly.

Ask for feedback from a mentor or boss after events.

Just thinking of practical things ... and to show you're listening to your boss.

Can you ask them for some specific situations where they perceive your ego has been a problem and ask them to give you an example of what would have been more favourable?

I think this is critical because only you can determine if you agree and therefore wish to modify your style in the future or disagree and decide their culture isn't for you.

Feedback is a gift, and it is sometimes hard to hear if it is critical but equally they owe you meaningful feedback if you are to address it.

Are they politely calling you rude and obnoxious?

Acknowledging that the dynamic you are using is better suited to a majority male or more mixed workplace.

Think a bit about how the dynamics change between an only female group, a mixed group and a male group.

You talk of your ego. So I am imagining that you tend to believe that whatever the task you feel that you are more likely to find the "best" solution available. That your idea is "the correct one" until proved otherwise, which would take some doing to convince you.

You may like to always speak first. So in a discussion your opinion is in the foreground and can always be used as a way of confronting subsequent ideas.

You may believe that "blunt" is the best way, rather than one of many ways of communicating . You won't alter your style of communication to appease others.

None of these qualities are inherently right or wrong, good or bad. They will have different outcomes depending on the situation.