Please tell me what to do....

[PrettyParrot]

....or at least, your opinions on what would be the best course of action!

I separated from ex-H in January, moving myself and DC into a rented home (he remained in co-owned marital home, which is big, 4 bed, huge garden, recently redone kitchen). My reason for leaving was his long-term alcoholism, which finally came to a head last year (a lot of secret drinking and lying about it). I don't think he would have left of his own accord, so moved out myself in order to have a separate home to offer the kids. He had a mini breakdown shortly after this.

Two months on and it is tough for me financially (we earn about the same). I hate renting and have already had various reasons to wish I was in a home I own again. The next obstacle is finding a 3 bed I can afford and which isn't horrible, which seems like a stretch. This is making me reconsider just moving back to the marital home and living in separate bedrooms (we're amicable enough, and I hate not seeing my kids every day). However I'm worried about alcoholic relapse on his side (he has literally only just started taking his drinking seriously) and that it will be worse for the kids if we reunite and then separate again.

I think I'm answering my own question here, but do I:

1. move back into the house in order to save money and just grit my teeth for the next few years, or
2. sell the marital home and move into a less nice place which is at least separate from him?

Please advise me because I am torn (although leaning towards option 2).

Option 2 all the way.

Sounds tough OP. Keep going.

Please don't move your children in with an alcoholic. File for divorce and put the house up for sale.

Is the Ex willing to sell the matrimonial home? Or are you going to have to go to court?

He's willing to sell. He was wittering on today about buying a boat to live on. Kids were perplexed at best (they are teens).

Basically we are both dithering and want to do what makes most financial sense. However I have a considerably less rosy view of his future sobriety than he does (understandably).

Definitely sell and find yourself a new permanent home.

Raising children with an alcoholic in tow definitely isn't on.

If he was sober would you want back in or not? Like fully back in? If the answer is no, then it is simple. Sell and get in with your life. If you love him and can see a future if he is able to get and stay sober then stay where you are, set a defined timeline if he does what he needs to in that timeline re-evaluate how you feel. If he doesn't sell and move on.

This.

If you move back in with him it is bound to end in tears.

I don't think so, no. The love has pretty much evaporated after 13 years of trying to work out what on earth was going on. I'm autistic and tend to believe loved ones when they tell me something is true - it has taken me a long time to grasp that he was looking me in the eye and flat out lying. Plus I wanted to believe all the 'I'm ill, I'm tired, I'm stressed' excuses for drunken appearance - he's not always sloppy with it.

How much equity do you have in the house? Is there anyway that you could get a mortgage in your sole name and buy him out? Are there other marital assets to divvy up (pensions?). Bear in mind that you might well get more than 50% share in divorce, if it goes through before the kids have flown the nest.

Also bear in mind that addictions are often expensive to fuel, and alcoholism is no exception. Although it sounds like he's managed to fund it for quite a long time already without it scuppering your household finances. So if you don't want to go back to the family home, or are certain you wouldn't be able to afford to, maybe selling it sooner is the better option. Definitely avoid doing some sort of informal arrangement where he moves out (to his boat 🙄) and lets you stay on in the house with the kids, and that you'll delay the divorce financials.

There's £200k left to pay on the house. The only way I could buy him out is if my dad helped me, which is possible but I'm not sure I want to ask.

He's already said there's no need to divorce in a hurry - interesting that you should say that 😂

Your kids are teens they'll be well aware of everything, do not make them live with an alcoholic for an easier
life.

Sell the house and move on. You have done the hard bit, you just need to keep going.

Unless you want to find yourself in the position that you presumably agonized over for years again, then just think of all the times you were desperate to get a place of your own away from him, and you did it. Don't go back.

If a nice big house was the most important thing, you'd still be living there. It's not.

I'd sell. Or ask your dad for some financial help to buy him out. I definitely wouldn't move back in with him.

Thanks MN, you are telling me what I think I need to hear. The kids are currently v keen on the idea of us living together again (of course). This is swaying me as I hate being the reason they had to move out (which is how they see it - their dad was a drunk for years and we all lived together after all, so from their POV I'm rocking the boat).

It doesn't matter how nice the house is, if you're living in it with an alcoholic you'll never relax or feel safe in it. You've done the hard part and left, now keep going!

You're not the reason he's an alcoholic. His alcohol addiction is the reason you moved out.

The mum guilt will be strong, but they will know that you didn't do this for no reason, even if they don't know the full extent of it now. You moved out for a good reason and that still stands. Plenty of people haven't got your courage, it's bound to feel difficult and you'll second guess it but you had your reasons and they are sound.

Why cant you move back to the house, live separately , and sort everything from there.

Crack on with the divorce definitely, don’t give him a chance to hide (drink) assets.

Is he paying maintenance? You can claim through CMS and it might alleviate things financially but he may become less amicable.

He's now backtracked and said he doesn't want to sell. Also doesn't want to divorce. He doesn't see why I can't just come back and live in a different room of the house and have it all be fine 🙄

Well luckily he doesn't have to understand why you won't do that. Start divorce proceedings. He doesn't have to agree. You know why you don't want to be married to him or share a house with him and that is enough.

You don't need his blessing to divorce him.

Don't give him the choice, he might not want that, but it will happen. You go see a solicitor and get the divorce papers, no doubt he will try make it difficult. But he can't stop it. Fight for the future you deserve, but stay calm and maintain your dignity all the way through, you children will thank and respect you more for that.

I have literally no money though. I have a well paid job, but currently all of it goes on my rented place. No savings - all my money is in that damn house. How can I pay for this?

Ask your dad for a loan for solicitor's fees.

The objective is to divorce and force the sale of the house. Once you aren't paying for a second home, you'll be able to pay your dad back.

The longer you leave it, the harder it is to get free. Don't be put off.

Educate yourself about the divorce process - Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites
Gather a financial documentation, everything including pensions
See an experienced family solicitor
File for divorce

The house will form part of the financial order in the divorce and most likely will have to be sold.