The who-does-more loop

[Dragony]

We‘ve been together 18 years, married 11. Two DC 8 and 5.

He works 7.30am - 6pm in a high pressure job.

I work 3 mornings in a school (so have holidays off), plus two evenings a week and the occasional Saturday morning in a restaurant.

We have no help with the kids. We‘re elsewhere in Europe so eldest has three afternoons off school a week, the youngest every afternoon. So a fair chunk of my time is looking after the kids. I also do all the housework and laundry, life admin- food planning/shopping/cooking, kids school stuff, appointments, holiday planning etc etc. He‘s in charge of sorting the rubbish and recycling, often cooks at the weekend, cleaning the car etc.

I feel it is unbalanced, but can live with it. What bothers me is the lack of appreciation. Every day a tupperware of lunch for him magically appears in the fridge. We go on lovely holidays, he just has to show up. His clothes are washed, the cupboards are never empty. Christmas and birthday presents are bought and wrapped, parties organised. The kids get taken to their out of school activities and nothing ever gets forgotten.

Last week was our half term. And he complained that the house was messy (we were home more, the kids made a mess). He said I had time to sort it because I was on holiday. He only gets 4 weeks paid holiday a year and is clearly resentful.

I can see we are getting stuck in the who-does-more loop and I desperately need tips to avoid it! He also works very hard but seems to think I have it easy.

If dh said the house was messy I'd tell him to start cleaning up.

I work 2.5 days a week and our son is in school 9-330. I do most of day to day cleaning cooking and organising plus school runs. Dh walks the dog everyday and does cooking fri- Sun. He takes our son to his activities. Does bins/garden/diy. Will hoover/dishwasher/laundry on a weekend. We share bedtime.

It sounds like he's resentful why? Would he prefer to do the house/kids/work part time? Does he understand that your free time is a couple of mornings a week in which you have to spend cleaning. And you lose a couple of evenings and part of the weekend.

Time to go away for a month! He's not had to deal with any of it before, so he under estimates how much time and effort goes into staying on top of it all.

If he thinks it's so little you do already then there shouldn't be an issue with you going away for so long, right?!

Er he's working 11 hour days in a high pressure job and only has 20 days holiday a year?

I think you should probably get a cleaner if you can afford it.

It does seem to me like he's not actually doing bad considering his hours.

Maybe he needs to look at changing his job if he's unhappy.

Sorry, but it does sound to me like you have it easier.

I mean, obviously he should be appreciative of what you do, and vice versa, it makes for a happier life all round.

OP I've been a lone parent in a high pressure job for 15 years.

I outsourced childcare and cleaning and literally anything else I could because I only get 24 days a year off.

I get where you are both coming from but please point out you do have 2 jobs, your part time and the one where you literally do everything round the home.

Tell him how much money you are saving by not having a cleaner or childcare and if he wants the house permanently clean then he agrees to get a cleaner in.

I'm sorry you've not had many replies. The sort of ping pong game of resentment/ lack of appreciation is very corrosive

Sorry posted too soon. If you look on psychology today there's a number of articles about it. The gist seems to be resetting the dynamic, not looking at the past and introducing mutual appreciation going forwards but obviously you have to get both to buy in to that.
The problem is when one person doesn't see that nurturing children is an equally valuable task...
I'm not sure how you can press the reset button but worthwhile trying professional help..

Taking care of children is really tiring, and there are a lot of housework. If the financial ability allows, can you find a cleaner?

You’ve very wisely identified that the vicious cycle of competitive “well I do more and you should be more grateful” is a fast road to misery for all concerned. Parenting is astonishingly hard work for both of you.

He is doing a lot - working very long hours with relatively little time off. He’s also carrying the financial responsibility for all of you, and those of us who’ve done that know how terrifying and constraining it can be.

You are also moving mountains, we all know that part-time working mums work harder than anyone else; the mental load can be overwhelming. I suspect you make it look pretty easy (I’m very impressed with the packed lunches). And you’re obviously in a culture where women are expected to be at home and men are expected to got to work.

Rather than get into a “no I do more” resentment-building argument, can you get into a “thank you for all you do, we make a great team” mutual-appreciation conversation? If you initiated that (maybe a dinner out?) would he pick up on it and reflect positively back on you? Could you open up an honest conversation with him about how much you’re both doing?