Weird thread title I know, but i’m not sure how to really explain what I want to convey?
God, this may be long but i’d so appreciate some advice on this. I’ve just turned 40 and i’m at the stage of being sick of this crap and need some advice.
I want to start by saying that i’m paying for counselling, and it’s been wonderful for me, but she can’t advise me. I’d like advice from what about what you think is happening and what you’d do in my position.
My dad - where do I start? My understanding is (Not from him) That he had behavioural problems as a child. His parents had lots of children and they were more or less left to their own devices. They’re a family of drinkers, but a couple of my dad’s siblings have gone on to be successful and decent people. One is NC with my dad. The rest of the siblings have issues of some description and are a tad strange, to say the least.
My dad is larger than life. Everyone loves him. Charming, handsome, funny and a “real character” People are drawn to his personality and always give him the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for his poor behaviour.
He is a womaniser - always has been. He broke our family up because he wouldn’t stop. I know that my mum was the love of his life, but he clearly had no respect for her. Since my mum left him, he went on to father 3 children by 3 different flings. He expects me to treat them as “proper” siblings and wipe up any mess that they make - they are much younger than me. If any of them make poor choices and my dad steps in, he expects me to step in too and help “fix” things. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to. I have 3 children of my own, one is a teen, one is primary age and one is a baby.
As a child he lavished me with affection and always put me on a pedestal because I was an advanced child with speech, language and communication. I then went on to become academic in school. He thought that was incredible and made him look fantastic, and made it clear that he expected great things of me. He would always tell me how bright I was, how great I was at everything and made me feel as though I wasn’t human and couldn’t make any mistakes. Fast forward and i’ve just turned 40 and am incredibly blessed and privileged to have 3 wonderful children, a great partner of 22 years and a lovely life. I work hard, i’ve been lucky and I probably do look like a “success” on paper (I’m going off on a tangent but I believe it’s relevant)
The moment I turned 18 he began treating me as a PA. Do this for me, do that for me… Lots of admin, paperwork and wanting me to take the reins on whatever crazy scheme he came up with next. He is always looking for ways to make money, he cuts corners and has been involved in many different scams throughout the years. Somehow, someway he drags me into them even though I never agree with a single thing that he does. The stress his scams have caused me, I can’t even begin to describe.
He’s a story teller. He is always the hero in the story. Will spin a yarn about how incredible he is and how everyone was telling him what an incredible thing he did/what an amazing guy he is etc… He truly thinks he’s wonderful and has zero faults. It’s ALL about him. Is this narcissistic behaviour? I’ve known him to apologise on occasion but never known him to own up to his actions and admit faults if that makes sense?
For the last 20 years my phone will ring a minimum of twice per week with him needing or wanting something from me. It’s never straightforward and will always cause me some kind of stress. If I explained everything then this thread would be unreadable. There’s simply too much to say, but in a nutshell i’m harrassed and expected to spring into action when he says. My dad had a reputation of being quite fierce when he was younger. He was well respected because he could take care of himself. There were episodes of the most terrifying violence at our door, that still see me revert to a scared little girl if ever I think of them. He was a scary man, with a very volatile temperament. I WAS scared of him, even though he never raised his voice to me or laid a hand on me - Infact he appeared to worship me when I was a young child.
He could make you so very uncomfortable though. If his mood was off, he was terrifying in his silence and his energy. He literally put the fear of God in me at times, particularly when I was a teenager. When my mum moved on, he hospitalised her poor innocent partner and then broke my mum’s nose. He would scream and rant and rave and say terrible things about her to me - even though HE was a womaniser and gave my mum a dog’s life and left her with no option but to end it. I was terrified.
I posted on another thread a while ago and someone mention FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt) And I wonder if this is it? I cannot for the life of me understand why I put up with his behaviour and why I can’t stand up to him and say no? I’d have no problem with telling anyone else where to go. I’m a confident woman and i’m usually assertive when I need to be. I don’t tend to suffer fools and yet this man, my dad, takes me for an absolute mug and I just accept it.
He found himself in ill health a couple of years back and I sorted everything for him. All of the PIP paperwork, all of the hospital appts, applying for his pension etc.. Absolutely everything. It was extremely difficult as I was heavily pregnant and my best friend died at that time and I was bereft. He never once asked me how I was or thanked me for all that I did. I genuinely don’t dwell on this, but I find it strange that he expects so much of me, even when I have so much of my own stuff going on. Only he matters.
More recently since then, his cognitive health has declined. He’s erratic and can’t seem to do ANYTHING for himself anymore. No paperwork, no bill sorting, can’t book a flight etc.. He’s been assessed and they don’t think he has dementia but i’m not so sure. Then again he’s ALWAYS been this way - erratic and expects others to do things for him, it’s just that it’s getting worse. He screams ADHD to me, he’s hyperactive and gets hysterical easily and has zero concentration.
He’s under the hospital over his heart. I have to take him to every appointment. It’s beyond embarrassing as if he isn’t treated like royalty he causes a terrible scene, says inappropriate things and behaves like a petulant child. I absolutely dread every appointment but feel this deep sense of obligation. There’s no one else to do it. I feel physically ill before any appointments and also feel physically ill whenever I see his name flash on my phone. Terrified of what’s about to be expected of me when I’m absolutely shattered with my 3 children, my work, keeping a home and all of that entails - my baby is only 1! I’m stretched to my limits yet I’m scared to tell him, scared to he honest. Why?
He went abroad for elective medical treatment not long ago. My baby was months old. I was expected to correspond with the rep abroad over everything, book the flights and accommodation and deal with everything on his behalf. When he got there, he didn’t like his hotel room, didn’t like how the staff treated him, made a massive scene and demanded I sorted a new hotel. He ended up physically assaulting a member of staff. I was truly horrified. He was ringing me from 6am every day whilst away, screaming that he was going to die with stress if he wasn’t moved to a new hotel. I’m ashamed to say I was at a concert with my teenage daughter and he was ringing my phone non stop, I got really drunk to cope (I never do this, I drink socially, never to cope with stress) And my daughter had an attitude with me and I exploded. Crying and screaming that she didn’t know how lucky she was to have parents that love her, expect nothing of her and never will, parents that will always support her. How different her childhood was to mine, how selfish it was of her to be so horrid when she has it so good etc… I’ve never forgiven myself for that. I was disgusting but it was because of him. Him and his constant demands and the incredible amounts of stress that he consistently puts me under. I lost it that night and found myself on anti depressants the following week for the first time in my life. I also started counselling that week too.
He was screaming for a refund for his stay, that I needed to sort it and I needed to change his flight. Somehow I got him what he wanted but I paid the price, mentally. So did my daughter because of my fragile mental state and my outburst.
There’s much more that I could say, but the last thing i’ll say is that I was 40 recently. He knew. I reminded him in conversation (Where he was calling me to contact the local papers about an issue he’s having with his local council) He ALWAYS wants something from me. I reminded him that it was my 40th Birthday and I was busy celebrating with my children and he just said “Have a nice time” No happy Birthday, no card, nothing. It’s never been acknowledged since. Don’t you think this is so very strange? I want to understand him but I just can’t.
I’m so scared that i’ve got unresolved trauma or something and I’m terrified of that impacting my children. I must have some kind of PTSD because I feel physically unwell and panicky when he calls me. I am scared to answer.
What do I do?! Things are only going to get worse now he’s aging, he’s always going to need something from me.
I think, I would hope, he would step in if ever I was in some kind of trouble. He tells me he loves me and he shows an interest in my children in terms of occasionally asking about them. He shows the most interest by far in my son, who is genuinely a really good looking kid and everyone says he looks like my dad. I think my dad favours him because of the resemblance?
But truthfully, he brings nothing but drama, chaos and panic to my life yet i’m scared to do anything about it. Can anyone help me figure this out? I’ve definitely put better boundaries up with him since starting counselling but I just feel so fed up with it all and I know that i’m so depleted and it’s got to be affecting my kids.
Thank you so much for making it this far!