Pregnancy Separation and how to deal with it...

[JessicaJonesAu]

I have been with my partner for over three years and I have always been really easy going about marriage etc. We never have deep conversations about commitment as it was just working out as we went along.

18 months ago, we very briefly separated as he was struggling with growing up and the idea of commitment (he has never cheated but culturally it is very common). We agreed it would be best to have some space and he decided that was a mistake very quickly. I encouraged him to see the month out to ensure it was not just the easy way back to our very comfortable life.

We then unfortunately suffered a miscarriage which was devastating but he was very kind.

Fast forward 18 months and we are 4 months pregnant! I am elated but he has not taken this well from the start. He is disengaged, gives no love or attention. The passion is completely missing but he does not put in any effort which leads to me feeling even more rejected. I am really trying for the sake of our child to see if we can get back on track. I suggested he takes a trip to think about if he is actually ready to step up in being a partner or at least try a little more (bare minimum request is just to give me a hug once a day or checkin a little more about how I may be feeling).

I do not want to put an ultimatum but I also would like to have time to process this emotion before the birth of the baby. I know the journey will be a rollercoaster but I also would love to be feeling just a little happier around the time of the birth. I find it hard to talk to my friends as he is a great man but I am worried that he will want to continue the patterns from his childhood. I am very inclined to keep trying until the birth of our child to see if 'things change' once he meets the baby. I also worry that for myself some extra care would be greatly appreciated and is the constant rejection unhealthy. We have talked about it extensively but there is never a solution found. He acknowledges it, I cry, he blames the pregnancy, then takes accountability and then we ignore it. I also have quite a serious corporate job so I am really trying to actively limit my stress.

Honestly as someone who has recently been through pregnancy and now has a 10 month old, I’d be cutting my losses and getting set up on my own now before baby arrives.

You never forget the way you’re treated through pregnancy, and if you’re having to beg and argue to get a hug or a “how are you” now then that will only be 10x worse once you add a baby to the mix. If he’s already not ready to grow up and commit then believe me when I say the arrival of a baby will put the final nail in that coffin. It is HARD, the sleepless nights, the exhaustion, your whole life suddenly revolving around feeds/milk/nappies/naps/sleep, not being able to just go out when you want to, very little alone time or free time, every minute is accounted for, it is difficult even for people who desperately wanted to be parents. It’s a huge change, your life is no longer your own, he is already feeling like that now. I’d be getting set up on my own now rather than wait until I have a newborn to deal with.

He might see the baby and change- for a few days- but that won’t last. When people show us who they are OP, we should believe them. He has shown you, and is showing you, exactly who he is and what he thinks of you and your child- believe him.

Was the baby planned?

Yes, I have been having some minor health issues for years so it was unexpected to happen but planned

Thank you ❤️