Is it to late

[mumoftwoboys321]

Since being in a relationship for 17 years there have been many ups and downs most recently finding out he's messaging another women he says it's just friendship, I don't know what to believe he's quite vague and gets angry when I try talking about it and says he's already answered all my questions he says he loves me and wants us to work on things but he feels like we're flat mates and it's convenient being together which I find confusing he says nothing ever changes yet he doesn't know what he wants to change there was a time where I was convinced he'd never hurt me but now I'm not so sure I have loved him for so long and always thought we would be together forever as corny as that sounds I gave him my heart which I don't do easily he is my everything and I suppose I just want to be his everything but am I kidding myself to think I'll ever be that I don't know how to walk away when I love him and want to be with him

Do you have children together? If not, I think you need to preserve your dignity and end the relationship, because he’s all but told you it’s over.

He should be putting his effort into you not another woman if he really wants to make it work.

We have two children together

he feels like we're flat mates and it's convenient being together and he's messaging another woman, and he gets angry when you try to to talk to him about this. I'd be tempted to become a bit less convenient for him and see what happens.

You say you thought he'd never hurt you but now you're not so sure. I think that might be about to change. He either wants to prioritise his relationship with you, and keep the family together or he does not. His actions tell you what's going on here. Do you have an idea of what kind of "down" out of the many ups and downs over the years would spell the end for you? Do you have any lines in the sand? What do you want to happen?

I just want us to be happy and I want to be someone's special person but I'm beginning to think that's not going to happen, I never have concrete proof over anything with the downs and never know how much of it is concocted in my head or what is true and what to believe, I don't want to break up my boys family and I think I have no self esteem left I have no life without our family we built

I think your husband is gaslighting you which is why you are not confident in how you are processing the information you have and what you are thinking and feeling. If you split, it will not be your fault, your husband also has a responsibility to your boys. Not our that burden on yourself. Step back and start to see things clearly.

Sounds like he doesn't want to communicate and couldn't give two hoots about your feelings.

Hi OP, I'm in a sort of similar predicament.
Been with DH a similar time, 2 boys. Love my DH, love my family but not happy after 'an incident' that changed how I think about us & our relationship.

The hard thing is, that we can want what we like but it changes nothing. Either your partner is in, or they're out - you can't love him enough for the two of you.

I don't know what to believe he's quite vague and gets angry when I try talking about it he wants you to shut up. That's why he gets angry, to warn you off & make you scared. It's a shit thing to do & you have every right to want to know why a partner of 17 years is messaging other women.

I'm not sure what to advise, but it's definitely not to do the pick me dance, try to make him love you, or prioritise him.
I guess I'm kind of quietly working on a back up plan in case i need it, & taking it day by day. Im giving myself space to breathe & decide what I want. But I have come to accept that there was a 'before' relationship and this is the 'after' relationship which will not be the same & may not work.

Perhaps stop bending over backwards trying to make him love you the way you want him to love you, and look at who he really is.

Thank you for the advice I know how pathetic I sound I will take a few days to think things over and put some sort of plan in place

You don't sound pathetic, you sound hurt & sad.

I’m really sorry op. You are worth more than ‘flatmates’ and being ‘convenient’. This man does not love you or treat you as you deserve. Take a breath, have a think, and decide what’s best for you and your kids going forward because this guy is either cheating, or going to.

Thank you I feel pathetic, my heads a mess feel broken and worthless but your advice is appreciated it's the only place I had to turn so thank you have a lot to think over and some decisions to make

You don't sound pathetic at all. I think the kindest thing you can do is to stop trying to work out what is going on and how you should be feeling, and just feel how you feel and take action based on that. @BadBerlin is right in that you won't be able to just try harder and make your relationship right again, unfortunately.

You would be best to see what's on the table, accept that's as good as it's probably going to get, and decide if that is what you want to move forward with, or if you would be able to live a better life another way.