Hi there,
I’m really hoping for some help with mine and my husbands situation.
We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 1.5 years and we’ve been each others best friends since we were teenagers. We’ve grown up together, done everything together, and most recently we’re almost at the end of renovating our house and found out (about 6 weeks ago) that we’re expecting our first child. This came as a big surprise and we did consider our options (not something I thought we’d have to do after 10 years together and how stable we are in terms of a home and jobs) but ultimately decided that kids were always part of our plan and it’s just happened a little earlier than we thought.
The problem is, prior to finding out we’re expecting we’ve been attending couples counselling because we’ve had issues around a female work colleague of my husbands.
I raised concerns about how often they were seeing each other, inside and outside of work. How often I heard them on 1-2-1 ‘meetings’ at work. And the fact that they were texting from morning until late at night (whilst we lay in bed) everyday.
These concerns grew gradually over the past 2.5 years of them knowing each other.
This peaked when we attended her wedding, where my husband ignored me for most of the day and didn’t even acknowledge when I left to manage my anxiety multiple times during the event. He never asked me if I was okay, and hardly interacted with me. So much so that another guest was audibly surprised when he told them that we were married.
Long story short, after multiple discussions over my concerns about their relationship, I asked if I could read some of the texts they would send daily to get some comfort over the type of things they talk about, and he instantly became bothered and worried but knew it would look as if he had something to hide if he didn’t let me see them.
I found years of ‘I’m not going anywhere’, ‘you’re amazing’, ‘I’m here always, if you ever need anything’, ‘I’ll come sit in your house and bring you medicine or food if you ever need it’.
But there are 3 comments in particular that hurt the most:
- The night before her wedding (late at night) he text to say ‘you’re going to look amazing, this I know for sure. The stairmaster has certainly been working, and I’ve only seen you in leggings and a jumper’.
- After she posted her wedding photos on Facebook, he said ‘seen your wedding photos, they look amazing 😍’.
- ‘If you think I’m protective now, wait until you have kids.’
I have to fish for comments like this - I have to ask ‘do I look nice today’. ‘What do you think of my hair?’ ‘Do you think the gym has been working?’
I asked him to stop texting her as often, and stop the 1-2-1 lunches at work, and 1-2-1 dinners after work. I told him I knew that asking him to end the ‘friendship’ wouldn’t help our relationship in the long run so tried to compromise by agreeing on boundaries which he refers to as ‘rules’ and me being controlling. I’m at a loss for what to do.
To his credit he hasn’t seen her outside of work since, and tells me he has other colleagues come to lunch with him where possible, and apparently the volume of texts have reduced but I’m expected to trust all this is true, from someone who’s betrayed that trust.
Our relationship has been my safe space for as long as I can remember, but the relationship with this woman has completed demolished that. I don’t feel safe, and just feel like a nag.
Also just a couple of bits of info - he doesn’t like to use the word ‘wife’. It’s been a struggle for him to ever use it, and still refers to me as partner.
He wasn’t bothered about me changing my surname to his - and actually said multiple times he prefers my old name.
He only wears his wedding ring to events, if I remind him. This was brought up in counselling and he does now try to make an effort to remember it for events, and wears it to work.
But these things make me feel like our marriage didn’t happen - like he doesn’t want to acknowledge that, or me as his wife.
It feels like he’s not proud to call me his wife and show off that he’s married by wearing his ring.
Bringing it all back round to when we found out we’re expecting, all he could obsess over for a couple of weeks was ‘how did it happen?’ That’s all he would say on the topic, and now it’s complete silence.
I’ve had to bring up any conversation about it. I’ve had to arrange appointments and medication whilst managing morning sickness and work etc.
When I mentioned about telling people he said he wasn’t saying anything, and I can just tell everyone.
It’s as if he’s pretending it doesn’t exist.
When I’ve been sick (morning sickness), he refused to kiss or hug me for a couple of weeks insisting I’m not well and he doesn’t want to catch anything from me. I’ve had to initiate hugs, and any form of physical touch which used to be standard in our house. Except for actual intimacy - he’s still initiating that which is only causing me confusion.
He’s been so distant and off. And last night he casually told me that he’s upping his in office days (which aren’t mandatory by his work) to weekly rather than fortnightly.
For context on in office days, he meets this female colleague in the morning, they get the train together, sit next to each other, get lunch, and get the train home together. It’s just those two - he doesn’t do this with any other colleagues.
Hence this post. I need help. Am I crazy for feeling insecure about this woman, and for feeling like he’s stripped away any happiness I could feel around our pregnancy.
I feel like a personification of something that has altered a relationship he was enjoying, and of a ‘mistake’ (pregnancy) that he’s deep down not interested in.
I’m so sorry for the long post - so much on my mind!
Any external views would be helpful xx