Friend’s abusive husband

[Somethingthecatdraggedin7]

Is it ever helpful to raise the subject?
I have a good friend whose husband is a mean and moody little worm. I have known them both for the 20+ years they have been married and every time I see them together he puts her down and speaks to her as if she is a particularly stupid child whom he despises.
Also, from conversation when I see her on her own, he is extremely mean with money. He earns substantially more than her but still makes her pay 50% of everything even if this means her going into debt. My friend never complains about this because he has made her believe that this is fair.
He is very moody and sulks if he doesn’t get his way on everything.
He resents her spending time or money on herself in any way, seeing her friends (will phone to see when she will be back and she can only see friends if he is out) and even gets angry if she spends too much time with her mum.
On the other hand he always expects my friend to fall in line with accommodating his own friends and family.
He drinks a lot, not an actual alcoholic but always wants to go and spend hours in a pub at any opportunity and expects my friend to go with him.
My friend frequently apologises later for his behaviour when he is he has been mean to her in front of me, which breaks my heart.
After a being present for a particularly nasty incident I am wondering whether I should raise the subject. I want to give her an opening to speak about it if she wants to but I don’t want to upset or embarrass her.
To be perfectly honest I am finding it harder and harder to keep from telling the husband to fuck off when he starts on her in front of me but I never would as I don’t want to make anything worse for her.
She is an intelligent, professional woman but of course this counts for little in the face of an abusive relationship.

if he is disparaging to her in front of you then he has worked out that you won’t do anything about it. But you can change that. The next time she apologises to you for his behaviour I would use that as an ‘in’ to start laying the groundwork for her to free herself. Perhaps sew the seeds that his behaviour is abnormal and that she deserves better. When she apologises ask her what she is apologising for exactly. What is it that she feels warrants an apology. Anything to get the conversation started

If you gently corrected him when he speaks badly to your friend @Somethingthecatdraggedin7 , what would he do? Do you think if you stuck up for her in front of him (without making things unpleasant) would it make it worse? ie saying “Gosh, that’s not true. “Friend” is a wonderful cook, mother etc etc” Correcting him every time. And then when she apologises for his behaviour say to her “you know what he said isn’t true/kind etc”. Do you think if you did this pleasantly and with a smile on your face it would help? I have a friend who defends her arsehole, rude husband to the ends of the earth. I know it wouldn’t help with her as she’s fallen out with people who point out his rudeness but perhaps your friend would be different and it would make the husband think.

100% i’d be raising it with my friend, asking if she is ok and letting her know if she wanted out, i’d be there to help.

My brother-in-law is like this—constantly belittling my sister. She just laughs it off in a childish, giggly way. He talks down to her as if she knows nothing and makes sarcastic comments about spending all MY money.It infuriates me. I call him out every single time, but she just brushes it off, saying, Oh, that’s just Joe.At a family party I was hosting, he was being particularly rude, so I told him, Don't talk to my sister like that in my home. I don’t care what happens in yours, but it’s not happening here.He hasn’t set foot in my house since. And yet, they’re still together!

Why are you putting up with this? Just because she does, doesn't mean you have to!

I'd tell her straight that if she's happy with him treating her like a piece of crap then so be it but you won't tolerate it and will pull him up on it every time.

I think it is very important that you speak to her about it to give her perspective and let her know that she doesn’t have to take it.

whether you stand up to him or not would depend on whether he will insist on her cutting you off or if you feel that it would provoke him and she will suffer his wrath.

I was in an abusive relationship and I completely normalised the behaviour I was getting from my ex. I even considered myself lucky to have him. I know friends and family thought he was awful but no one, that I recall, stepped in to say that his treatment of me was unacceptable. I wish they had as it would have reminded me that it isn’t normal to be treated that way. I understand your reluctance to say anything but I think it would be helpful for her to start seeing that that behaviour isn’t right.

Can you take her away for a few days? It was only when I was away from mine for a few weeks that I realised how calm I was without my ex in my life. You could take the opportunity to talk to her then?

I also like the suggestion above by @Whalewatching about correcting him when he puts her down. Good thinking.

I would gently talk to your friend about his behaviour. I wouldn't do it in front of him or correct him though as you will become a person he freezes out. Do it when it's just you, have some literature too for woman aid etc if she wants it

I don’t think open condemnation or drawing lines @Chuchoter would be at all helpful and runs the risk of sounding like I blame her for putting up with it.
I am also doubtful that correcting him @Whalewatching would achieve anything except him storming off and then my friend would have to deal with the fall out at home plus he would very likely then make it even harder for my friend to see me.
What I am wondering was whether my intervention would be likely to help her or drive her further into his power by alienating her if she feels she has to defend him. Appreciate hearing you thought it would have helped you @Notahandmaid .
Any thoughts on how to bring the subject up with my friend?
I want to say something like this:
I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this but every time I see you with blank he is criticising you and being very bad tempered. And from the things you tell me he is frequently in a bad mood at home and you have to try to keep him happy. I’m also hearing about what sounds like a very unfair financial situation.
The last time I saw you together he was really nasty to you and I was very worried and to be honest very angry with him for speaking to you like that.
If you think it is none of my business then I will shut up but I just wanted to say that this isn’t right. You are worth a million times better treatment than this and if there is ever anything I can do as someone to talk to or even somewhere to stay you are always welcome.

That's the thing, when no one comments or acknowledges it, you presume it must be normal and your just sensitive like he says..as his arguement is the only one spoken after years it doesnt even occur to you that life for others is different...

It’s hard to know what to do, I used to call my friends husband out for this behaviour and he got it into her head I was jealous and was trying to break them up because I wanted him 😂😂😂😂 no thanks I actually have a dh who is a total gentleman.

anyway we don’t speak but last I heard they had broken up and he had moved out . His decision as she seemingly begged him to stay and this is a professional clever woman who put up with this.

I just don’t understand why anyone would stay with someone who speaks to them like that. My dh would have a black eye if he spoke down to me!

I had a friend with a partner like this. I did raise it, after she'd told me something he'd done to her. I really unleashed on what a shit he was and what was she doing staying with him. She then made up with him, and for a while she wouldn't talk about him again to me, because she knew how much I despised him.
Then a couple of years later, he did something else. She told me and this time I persuaded her to leave him.
Just be prepared that even if you raise it, it might take time for her to get out.

I have this situation with a close friend. I used to get very upset about it then I spoke to another friend who worked in the police with DV and abusive relationships. She told me that you can gently speak to your friend and bring it up, especially if you've witnessed it or your friend talks to you about it BUT unless she makes the decision to do something about it herself, there's very little you can do.

We discussed it, she agreed he was coercive and a bully but concluded that they love one another and she wouldn't leave him. She figures her life would be much more disrupted if they split up and she can tolerate the bad bits if there are some good bits in between. It's very frustrating but I have to accept it.

She's ill at the moment so he's not being as unpleasant [slow hand clap] but I don't make any comments unless she brings it up. We see each other when he's not around and if he's there I'm polite but not effusive. She knows how I feel about him and he knows too but it's a status quo.

I had a friend who had a horrifically abusive partner , he used to sexually assault her , make her self in sheds and dog kennels, mental abuse , controlling , the works. He'd throw her out and she'd sleep in friends houses only for him to click his fingers and she'd go back , she then wasn't allowed to talk to the friend who helped her. In the end he threw her out one time and we begged and begged her to stay away from him and finally she listened. Met someone else and got married to him but even after 10 years if she sees her ex in a pub she will sit and stare at him , you can tell she's still drawn to him in some way.
It's incredibly hard to break that hold an abuser has over someone , this guy groomed my friend from a teenager and she couldn't leave him until she'd had enough herself , it's a co dependency kind of like addiction almost. All you can do is drop subtle hints that his treatment of her isn't OK and that you are there for her

When I was in this situation direct intervention just made things worse in the immediate term (eg my sister took him to task when he belittled me at a family event, he went into a massive weepy sulk when we were along of “nobody likes me, I might as well just go home and leave you here” - I had to ameliorate and soothe with sex that I really didn't want to have).

But what was good about the situation was knowing someone did have my back. I do think more people saying “if you want out I’m here for you, and it really will be fine” and not expecting an answer would have helped me leave sooner.

FWIW the things that kept me with him were

• a learned expectation that most marriages weren’t happy and that it was a wife’s job to put up and shut up
• the kids - I couldn’t bear the thought of them having to spend time with him alone
• golden cage - he was a good earner, so was I, but I couldn’t see how I could afford to leave (because belittling, financial control etc)

Do you know what keeps her there?

@olderbutwiser I think she genuinely thinks his behaviour is ok because her own father is much worse so in comparison this little fucker looks like a paragon of virtue.
They met and married pretty young so she hasn’t had many other boyfriends.
He really has nothing going for him at all except he has a well paid job.
It certainly isn’t his looks because he is exceptionally plain and dresses like a man twice his age. I don’t normally judge anyone’s looks but in his case I will make an exception.
He is snarky and superior in general and appears to think he knows everything about everything. I sometimes fantasise about whacking him in the face with one of my le creuset pans (which weigh a bloody ton so would do a lot of damage) after just five minutes in his presence so christ knows how she copes living with him.
I particularly hate his meaness. He has two expensive cars whilst my friend drives an old banger. He has every toy and gadget you can think of whilst my friend worries over every penny and he berates her if she so much as buys any groceries he hasn’t pre-agreed.
They go on lots of trips out and holidays but it is always where he chooses, mostly to do with his hobby which my friend doesn’t enjoy at all.
He really is a pathetic little bully.
There are no children involved but I still don’t think she will ever leave him. I wonder if she could set some boundaries to at least limit what she has to put up with. I strongly suspect he is an utter coward at heart and far more dependent on her than she realises so perhaps she could come to exert her power.
I don’t know though. A bloody nightmare.
She is the nicest, kindest and most capable person. Everybody likes her as she is always very good company. Any man would be lucky to have her if she could only see it.