Keeping perspective & autism

[KeepingStable]

Not sure what I'm asking, really. Any tips on how to keep stable in a relationship if you are autistic? How do you keep a sense of perspective?

Both in our 50s, I am divorced. I know he loves me but I'm very insecure & so is he. We live apart but talk every day, then see each other every 4-6 weeks for a good few days, either he stays in my house or if I go to him, I stay in my holiday house there.

I have temper outbursts & it feels like they are provoked by him. He asks the most detailed questions about my past life. He is possessive. I think my autism makes me give details and we set each other off.

When I see the "bigger picture" I see a committed man who loves me. But the nitpicking and details are very hard for me to deal with.

How can I make this work? It's been 2 years now.

Can anyone share thoughts? I would find it helpful to hear about this.

I don't have any answers but I'm in a similar position. I often have outbursts and feel guilty afterwards. It's hard. You are not alone.

He asks the most detailed questions about my past life. He is possessive.

This is not a good man @KeepingStable
he sees you as an object. The needling away for information would drive anyone insane. Then he's also possesive.

He is disturbing your peace, you can't stay feeling stable in this relationship. This is not your fault nor your problem to solve. This relationship needs to end so you can feel safe and stable again.

I'm autistic have the outbursts, the wrong words at the wrong time, blurting out stuff,straight to the point etc etc but no I don't feel guilty I can't change me and how I'm made and my hubby fully knew this before we married and had kids. I can honestly say we just laugh about it when it happens and carry on with the day and the kids all know now that mummy is wired differently 😂

Hi op. Are you sure you are the one that needs to keep perspective here? If he is deliberately provoking you I mean? Because that doesn’t sound good at all.

It’s hard to tell from what you have written but if he is only seeing you every four to six weeks; is that what is making him possessive? I mean does he trust your reasons for wanting to be alone?

Overall, speaking generally, I don’t think a pairing between someone with asd and someone who is insecure is the best match. I think it really helps when people with asd pair up with someone with good innate self esteem.

Disclaimer: the only qualification I have for answering this is that I have a daughter with asd. So my advice may not be right and feel free to ignore!

Thank you for replies.

The outbursts are so hard to control. They are probably the same ones I used to have as a child. I just want to be held each time.

Probably both of us need to keep perspective. He has undiagnosed traits.
Yes he does disturb the peace sometimes and I know from what others say that he's not an easy man. It's true that an ASD and insecure pairing is not a good match.

I just wish I could find peace. I get entrenched in the detail, it's hard to have a normal conversation sometimes.

"I have temper outbursts & it feels like they are provoked by him. He asks the most detailed questions about my past life. He is possessive. I think my autism makes me give details and we set each other off."

I think you are disregulating because he's treating you badly, and you are taking the blame because you lost control.

Staying regulated is harder for you than for some. This man isn't helping you stay regulated. He's poking the bear. You can't stay calm while someone is provoking you.

You can, however, avoid the pokey person. And you should. That's your responsibility.

Be careful. He sounds like he could cause you a lot of trouble. I'd quietly and gently distance yourself.