Single or couples therapy?

[BabaganooToo]

Things aren't great in our marriage and I think I need to do something to try and fix it before it's too late. DH and I have been together 7 years, one DC aged 2. I feel like I have become completely passive in the marriage and I am ruining this for us and DC. We sleep separately (I cosleep with clingy toddler), sit in different rooms most evenings and don't spend much time together. We work full time and have no real support nearby.

The relationship is transactional and I'm just ticking along but DH has told me repeatedly he's unhappy as we have minimal intimacy (we still have sex around once a week but I've become withdrawn from most physical touch). He's not asking for more sex, he just misses how we used to be I think. He feels I am only with him for convenience - I don't think that's true but I'm struggling.

I am angry and irritable a lot, and it's just not fair on him. He works hard, does equal amounts with housework and DC (although I wfh a lot and DC is hugely clingy to me so I end up doing more naturally).

I don't think I'm depressed, so don't think doctors is the answer. So I'm thinking about therapy (I've done a few sessions by myself but not enough to make any difference). I am unsure whether to start up by myself again, or try couples therapy? Any advice is appreciated - on the therapy or just in general.

What sort of therapy are you having?

@BlueMonkeyChewing I've only had a couple of sessions early last year - to be honest I couldn't tell you what kind of therapy it was. I think maybe EMDR but we didn't get anywhere near doing anything like that, just talked about childhood and how I clearly struggle with emotions. Maybe I should've kept going but it was expensive! But now I'm desperate.

I would suggest seeing a psychotherapist. It's expensive and takes a lot of time and effort but compared to divorce it costs peanuts.

Desperate for what? What do you want? Do you want to save your marriage? Get closest to your husband? Feel less angry and stressed?

Do you not understand why you are pushing your husband away?

Therapy should really help, though you do need to give it a proper go… it turns out quite a lot of what happens in your childhood does impact you as adult!

but there are lots of things you could do before therapy if you were motivated to change…

the gottman institute has a lot great resources about relationships for free and a good podcast. You could do some work on yourself, read some books about self discovery, meditate, write a daily journal, listen to some therapy podcasts etc, put some effort into listening to to yourself and what you need and u see standing why you might be treating your husband this way.

@BlueMonkeyChewing thank you, I will have a look into it

@Spookywoodhollow I want to save my marriage and stop being so angry. Just to clarify I am not outwardly angry, I just withdraw. I don't know why I am like this. We've had our fair amount of ups and downs like any relationship but nothing major that warrants me building up these walls and refusing to let DH in. I think he'd prefer if I shouted at him at this point - it's the passiveness that's killing him. I knew things would be difficult after we had DS, and I found his first year extremely tough, but I thought we'd be back to normal now. It's like I've just switched off.

I will have a look at some self help stuff. Can you recommend any good podcasts?

I think part of me is scared to even start delving into this, and I'm already exhausted just thinking about the effort required. But I need to prioritise this now.

@Spookywoodhollow sorry reread and you had already recommended a podcast! I will have a look for that.

Well it does sound like therapy would help you. I think singles therapy would be better as it sounds like you have a lot of exploring of yourself to do.

A lot of our anger comes from an unmet need. Our partners aren’t obliged to fill those needs but we are obliged to figure out what they are and address them. If you’re co sleeping it sounds like you don’t have a lot of space for yourself so it’s hard to get in touch with what you need.

You could consider asking yourself “what do I need right now?” And writing down any answers that come, with no pressure to act on them! Ask yourself every day for a week and see what comes up. Ask yourself in moments of silence (if you have any) and keep asking even if you don’t get an answer. Or your could ask “what does my body need right now” as it can feel easier to think about the physical to year with.

if you withdraw, maybe take some time in the evening in your separate room to write one or two bullet points about why you are withdrawing, with no judgement or compulsion to change anything. E.g. “I’m withdrawing because I am tired and don’t want to talk to anyone” “if I stay and watch tv he’ll try to initiate sex and I don’t want that” etc

You could also consider tracking the emotions on a calendar to see if there is any pattern to it. It might be cyclical either because of hormones or because you find the weekends hard with young children etc etc

I am also the type of person who withdraws and so one thing I challenge myself to do is tell my partner honestly how I am. So instead of “fine” I will say “I’ve had a stressful day and it’s making me grumpy” or “I need to eat something” or “I’m finding life really hard at the moment”. Again with no compulsion for you or him to fix anything in the moment. I find that every time I let him in, I feel better for having done it.

i Know what you mean about being tired and not having the energy to do the analysis. The secret is to put NO pressure on yourself to act on what you hear, but you need to learn to hear it. Short (mine are two minutes max) but regular (daily if possible) check ins with yourself will really help within a week or so. A therapist can support with this but the work starts with you.

Just checking to see if you have said to your partner what you want, as described above. Reassure him that you want to be married and want it to be better between you.

I actually think couples therapy is a good idea. I wonder what you think would happen, or what did happen, when you aren't passive and withdrawn.

Do you have any time together? I think before I started spending money on a therapist, I’d be looking to spend money on ways that would make it easier for you to connect and have fun together.

You’re in the thick of it now with a 2 year old, but actually you don’t even realise how close you are to the bit where it starts to get a bit easier.

Do you ever both take AL and go do something fun while dc is in nursery? We used to go for a walk and then have a pub lunch. Or now is probably a good time to start looking for a babysitter. Ask at nursery and the manager will likely be able to tell you which staff do babysitting. We got one of our dc’s teachers at nursery to come once a month, I’d put dc to sleep and she would literally just sit downstairs and do her admin work, and we’d go out to dinner. We don’t have any family help, but once a month, we made it work.

Honestly, it’s a marathon and not a sprint. I’m a big fan of therapy, and I think it has its place when there are bigger issues. But at the very foundation, it sounds like you are just surviving and not actually enjoying being together. Make time for fun and for things to be the way they used to be first and see what happens. Sure try some therapy in the future if there are issues you need to sort out between you, but one of the challenges of therapy is that it can be very problem focused. It sounds like you are both just very stuck and need to focus on actually how you want things to be different.

@mindutopia thank you - for some reason I didn't get notifications about these responses! We have taken one day out together since DC was born, and it was lovely. We fundamentally are good together. We laugh a lot and mostly share the same life values.

We have arranged for MIL to babysit on Friday night so we can have some time together. I am only just getting to the point where I'm comfortable with someone else attempting to put DC to bed who isnt me or DH, so hopefully things will improve. DC is just so clingy, it's hard sometimes. I can barely have a shower without him screaming and it's been the same since he was born

@PermanentTemporary this is interesting- if I wasn't passive or withdrawn things would just be normal. I think I am the problem. Once I get out of my funk I do tell him that I want this to work and want to change. It's like sometimes I have this petulant child inside of me who won't let the walls drop, even for DH.

Anyways, I have booked a therapist for next week. Fingers crossed it starts improving things.