Should I end this or continue to wait it out?

[thefortnightinseptember]

I have been with my partner for around 18 months. We have lived together for around 3 of these. All is absolutely fine in the relationship apart from one huge issue which I am struggling to navigate. I have 3 DCs in their late teens who live with me full time. They see their dad but due to their ages, prefer to have one base. He has a 10 year old son who he sees mainly at his ex's house (they split up around 8 years ago). The time and days that he sees him varies but it is around 3 or 4 times a week for several hours. This in itself is a little challenging in that he seems to play house there iyswim. However, I do suck that up rather as the arrangement pre-exisits our relationship, I want to be considerate of his son's needs etc etc. In addition, he hasn't told his ex or son that he has a partner. They are totally unaware. Every time I try to talk to him about this, he just won't discuss it so I have no idea what the reasons are.

I am torn between bringing it up again, and staying quiet, swallowing my feelings and leaving things be for the sake of harmony. I feel like the other woman. He is entirely in my life and yet I am only in half of his. I am quite prepared to be told I am being completely unreasonable and I should just let things lie. I suppose I would like some perspective on whether it is something I should accept and wait until he decides the time is right to tell them or whether this is potentially relationship ending.

Has he moved into your home?
Yet you are his dirty secret?
Why would you introduce him to your children under these circumstances?
He won't discuss it?

You have made a massive mistake tolerating this.
Where is your self respect?
Pack his shit up and get him out.

Nope. You should never have let him move in whilst he's keeping you secret. If he loves you, he'll introduce you to his son. Otherwise you're a convenient bed.

Where was he living before moving with you three months ago? Was he having his son with him there?

Either way, send him back there.

And if the answer is ‘with his ex’ then wow.

Got a bit confused in the middle there - thought your ex had a 10 yr old, but am assuming it's your partner.

I'm going to say it as I'm thinking it and I'm sure I won't be the only one - are you sure they have divorced / broken up and you are not the 'other woman' ? Sure, sure. Really sure, like seen the decree nisi type sure?

Even if things are totally above board in this respect I would not be happy with being so side lined. Has he introduced you to his parents, rest of family, close friends and work colleagues ? Did you have mutual friends before you started dating ? Does he take his kid on holiday with his ex ? Go on days out with them.

If he hasn't opened up that part of his life to you and he's not in witness protect it sounds dodgy to me. At the very least he's not fully committed to you, and worst you're way down the priority list. Only you can answer if what he is offering is truly enough for you but the fact you have posted on here suggests that it isn't so ......

Why on earth would you move a man under your DC roof who can’t even tell his ‘ex’ you exist?

Is she really an ex or is he living a double life? We’ve seen many threads where that’s happened recently

Thank you so much for your replies so far. It really does help to put things into perspective and has been a bit of a reality check. In answer to some of the questions:

He lived with a friend until a few months ago, unfortunately the tenancy came to an end so he moved in with me.

I have met some of his family and friends.

I honestly thought that when he moved in he would have told his ex and his son but we are 3, nearly 4 months on now and he hasn't made any progress in this area at all.

I am almost certain that the relationship is over and has been since he and his ex split up 10 years ago however, I think the co-parenting relationship is much,much too close for me to feel comfortable with. I have also been through a breakup with children and whilst my ex and I remained civil and communicative for the sake of the children, we certainly didn't need the level of contact that my DP has with his ex.

How old is his child? Seems very odd you’ve not met?

His DS is 10. I agree that it is odd indeed. I have told DP that I honestly don't have any expectations about how much/little I am involved in his DS's life. I am happy to be involved or take a complete back seat, whatever is best for the child.

What I can't fathom is why he is so reluctant to say anything. It is seemingly more and more apparent to me that he is enjoying playing house in both houses.

After 18 months and this: "In addition, he hasn't told his ex or son that he has a partner. They are totally unaware. Every time I try to talk to him about this, he just won't discuss it so I have no idea what the reasons are" and playing house with them (your words), I'd tell him to shove it quite honestly, but I know it's easier said that done when you're involved emotionally.

OP this is, shabby treatment from him and very worrying that he won't even discuss the subject of keeping you sidelined. His attitude does not bode well for any kind of future together. l would ask him to leave until your relationship is out in the open and his ex wife and son know about you. If he won't comply that would be the end for me.

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live. Him and his mates tenancy ended and he was moved in to your kids home.

Why not stop housing him and just date him? Do your kids like having this new boyfriend in their home?

I really hated when my mother brought her boyfriends into my home as a kid and teenager, I felt really vulnerable.

The man using one woman for accommodation, and another woman to host him when he visits his kid- yuck.

Thank you again for your responses, and that they are pretty unanimous speaks volumes. I have been repeatedly doubting myself thinking that I may be putting my own needs in front of the wellbeing of his son.