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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“Concerned” relative reached out

26 replies

Twizzz · 02/03/2025 17:04

I got a bit of a strange situation and I’m really unsure how to react.
I got contacted by a relative of my fiance and basically warned about him. The person claims to be his sister which is possible because he has a sister, but it might well be someone pretending to be her.
My boyfriend is not British but has lived here for close to 10 years, and he is nc with his family.
I got the message on Thursday and just ignored it for now but it is nagging. I have not told him about it yet and I guilty about this but I would probably prefer not to cause any upset if I can avoid it.
I think I’d understand it if it was an ex parter reaching out but a family member just seems so strange.
I’m not sure if I’m making this unnecessarily complicated but I feel quite uneasy about this and am unsure if I should show him the message.

OP posts:
Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 02/03/2025 17:05

what does it say

RedHelenB · 02/03/2025 17:06

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 02/03/2025 17:05

what does it say

You don't have to tell a partner or spouse everything. What this person told you is pertinent, best advice will cone from knowing what it is.

healthybychristmas · 02/03/2025 17:07

It's more likely she is her sister and it's somebody pretending to be though. You could always ask for ID if you are concerned about that. What's his reason for going no contact with her? What does she say he's done?

BruFord · 02/03/2025 17:08

Hmm, I’d want to speak to them. It could just be them being nasty and trying to spoil your relationship, but what if they have something important to tell you, for example, he’s married, has children you don’t know about, has convictions for DV?

Best to find out.

Travelodge · 02/03/2025 17:08

What has he told you about why he is NC with his family? If he didn’t want to explain or discuss it that would ring alarm bells.

Is there any way of you verifying whether it really is his sister?

TidyDancer · 02/03/2025 17:08

I would never completely ignore a message like this, I would want to be as sure as possible that it's malicious or just incorrect before shelving it.

I'd err on the side of caution with anything like this and put my detective hat on.

What did the message say?

purplecorkheart · 02/03/2025 17:08

What does the message say? I know a family where the Mom and Sisters have warned their brother's ex partner about his violent temper. They had experienced it first hand.

Ponderingwindow · 02/03/2025 17:09

It depends on what the message says. If they are telling you he is dangerous, then you need to investigate that for yourself without saying a word to him. If they are telling you he left a child behind, then ask him about it and break things off if it is true. If they are saying he should be there taking care of his parents like a good son, then just show him the message.

SkipToTheLight · 02/03/2025 17:10

My ex’s sisters and Mum tried to warn me about him over the years. I really wish I’d listened to them. Depending on how long he’s been in the UK, I’d be putting a Clare’s law request in right now. And message the sister back.

Moveoverdarlin · 02/03/2025 17:10

What does it say? If it’s just ‘Mark is an asshole’ I’d be inclined to ignore it. Is it more sinister? Does it warn you to be careful? Is there an element of truth in the message? Does it ring true. Whatever it says, I wouldn’t tell him, no.

Gymmum82 · 02/03/2025 17:12

Depends what it says. My brothers a twat. I’d ignore. My brother has been charged with childhood sexual abuse. Fled the country and that’s why he’s NC with his family I’d be inclined to take note and run

Gymmum82 · 02/03/2025 17:13

Oh and I wouldnt tell him about the message. I would want to hear what she says without him being able to deny it or brush it off

Original poster
Twizzz · 02/03/2025 17:19

She did say that he is dangerous and that he has a criminal record in his home country, and that he used to go by his first name. He does use his middle name as his preferred name so she must at least know his first and one of this middle names. Would a criminal record not have come up during job vetting?
I could not find anything at all when I googled him with different name variations.
He did talk about his family and why they are not in contact, and it did sound like a bad and abusive upbringing. I know some of his friends who have known him since school days and they never said anything negative about him.
I guess I could message her back but I would feel hurt if this was the other way around.

OP posts:
TurtleBarnacle · 02/03/2025 17:24

I would definitely take it seriously.

LongDarkTeatime · 02/03/2025 17:28

Can you ask her for specific details to verify both that she is his sister and what he did? Surely if you have a name, type and date of conviction this should be searchable in most countries.

fraughtcouture · 02/03/2025 17:28

How long have you been together?

wizzywig · 02/03/2025 17:30

Depending on vetting, it may only show up UK criminal history

blacksax · 02/03/2025 17:34

If he is nc with his family, how come this person who says she is his sister even knows about you or how to contact you?

DBSFstupid · 02/03/2025 17:35

You need to take this seriously OP. Find out what you can.

Shitmonger · 02/03/2025 17:38

Twizzz · 02/03/2025 17:19

She did say that he is dangerous and that he has a criminal record in his home country, and that he used to go by his first name. He does use his middle name as his preferred name so she must at least know his first and one of this middle names. Would a criminal record not have come up during job vetting?
I could not find anything at all when I googled him with different name variations.
He did talk about his family and why they are not in contact, and it did sound like a bad and abusive upbringing. I know some of his friends who have known him since school days and they never said anything negative about him.
I guess I could message her back but I would feel hurt if this was the other way around.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Do NOT marry this man. His sister isn’t hunting you down from another country to warn you about him being a violent criminal for fun. She’s doing it out of a sense of obligation because she knows what he is and doesn’t want to see him hurt more innocent people.

Gymmum82 · 02/03/2025 17:39

I would absolutely take this seriously and would be asking questions. What is the criminal record for? Why is he dangerous? Too many dangerous and abusive men around to just go round blindly ignoring red flags.
Fuck him feeling hurt. This is about your safety

UpUpUpU · 02/03/2025 17:42

OP, you must take this seriously until you can find more info and prove it malicious.

How long have they been together and do you live together?

LurkyMcLurkinson · 02/03/2025 17:58

Can you do a Claire’s law request. I’m not sure how it works with criminal records from other countries but it’s certainly worth a try and if he has resided here for a while it may hold information about anything that occurred here.

HoneyCorn · 02/03/2025 18:25

I'm also curious to know how she knows about you if she lives in another country and they are NC.

TagSplashMaverick · 02/03/2025 19:58

I think you’d be an utter fool to not take this seriously.