Was I too harsh?

[Tillybud81]

So I have/had a male freind I've only known about 5 months, nothing romantic and mostly contact via messages. He's quite an intense person and his message style is frequent and replies within seconds to most messages.

We've been exchanging messages for a while but it was getting very intense, the frequency not the content, so I tried to ease off a bit on my end by not replying as quick, giving shorter replies and setting times where I didn't reply or read his messages at all (he'd message all day every day if I replied) He still messaged me most days, some times early morning (7am) and some late into the night. He'd also message 2 or 3 times in a row if I didn't reply. It was at this point I was thinking of saying something to him about it but I also just wanted him to relise that maybe he shouldn't message as much.

He'd also ask me all the time if I was ok? If I didn't reply he'd just text 'Are you OK?' As if I was somehow not just cos I hadn't replied to him. When I then reply back saying I was fine he'd tell me how much he worried about me and he was there if I needed to talk.

The other day he started on the whole are you ok thing and I just didn't have the time to reply, I knew if I replied the floodgates would open and he'd just keep messaging. In 3 days he sent me 10 messages and I had replied to 1. The last streak of messages he sent me was 7 in a row, 3 of which were voice notes. He was trying to be light hearted and asking me if I was ok and did I need him to sing me a song to cheer me up or something, but it was all just a bit too much.

I sent him a message saying this is all just a bit too much and can you please stop, I know you care but I just don't need this level of concern, attention and communication. I'm sorry but this isn't for me. He just sent back sorry, I will and I've not heard from him since.

I now feel bad I essentially told him to go away, but it is a relief to be able to pick up my phone and not have a messge waiting for me from him. Was I too harsh? Am I a shit or is at least some of it on him for not being self aware enough to think he was a bit much?

On one hand, you did reply and he was getting the attention he wanted, you could’ve just not got into that - so lesson learnt.

Telling someone to back off is perfectly fine, you didn’t do anything wrong. He’s sulking - let him.

It reads like a simple story of two incompatible people.

What prevented you from telling him directly to cool it with the texts and emotional displays, how were you able to deal with that for 5 months?

You were totally correct to tell him to back off. You should have done it a lot sooner. He sounds obsessive.

Why didn't you just reply with "I'm busy now" much sooner?

To begin with it wasn't too bad, every few days just chatting about anything and everything.

It's only been the last month or so that it's really ramped up from him to pretty much daily and constant are you ok, and I guess I just tried to mange it by being less available and hoping he'd get the point without me actually having to say woah! But it seems he took my distancing as me being depressed or something and made it worse

Lesson learnt

Surely several hours going by without your messge being read is a good indicator that I am actually busy? He'd just messge again

He sounds mental. Do you think there might have been something a bit wrong with him. I am getting stalker vibes, are you sure he has left you alone for good?

You did the right thing, I think, and YANBU. I had a friend like this and it even got to the stage where he’d be calling at 2am after a night out saying he couldn’t find a taxi. Or telling me he was getting a takeaway and what he was eating. It was exhausting and eventually I blocked him and no longer speak to him at all.

My friend is, I think, lonely. But it’s one thing being a friend and another entirely to be a time thief and repeatedly message when they know you’re working/sleeping/are busy with other things.

As PP has said your friend is now sulking. He’s probably stewing. At some point he will message you and apologise and then the pattern will start again. You just need to reinforce your boundaries.

He was definitely intense and he knows where I live. I'd be lying if said I hadn't worried about him just turning up to se if I "was OK"

I think it's all good though, we live in quite a small place and there would be enough backlash if he were to overstep. I've already told a good freind about him so others are aware

It might be good for you to attend communication and assertiveness classes, you could have nipped this in the bud long ago.
Were you intimidated by him in some way, has he turned up unannounced to your home before?

No he's never turned up, never even been to my house. I just live on a main road and his bus home stops outside, he's seen me going in the house one time.

Maybe you're right, I've come to realise through this I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I didn't want to upset him. All the time it was driving me mad. I do need to learn from this, thank you