If you partner is long term depressed has this affected your own mood at all?

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My OH has finally, after 4 years, gone to the DR and now has antidepressants.
I have found myself increasingly low over this time. To the point where I am concerned about my own mental health.
He hasn’t wanted to do anything for years. Doesn’t want to go on holiday, go out. Sex is very intermittent. He gets snappy. I feel at breaking point.
I am hoping that the anti depressants help him- he tells me he has had bouts of depression historically- but there is no joy in our lives- hasn’t been for a long time. All he wants to do is go to work.
I have had postnatal depression so I know how awful depression is and how important it is it is to get help and take medication if necessary.
I just wondered if it is common to get low yourself if you have been with someone with un treated depression?

There is a big gulf between people who have depression and they are determined to sort it out. Eat well, no drinking, spend time in nature/outdoors, exercise, see GP (not after 4 years), talk to friends, go to therapy and are considerate of the effect they are having on their family.

And ones who expect their household to adapt to their moods whilst doing fuck all about it. How many posts do you see with partners who can go to work, go and play golf, perhaps even go to the pub, or can come home and drink, but can't wash up a pan, or change a bed or cook a meal. They can spend hours on their phone but never researching help for depression or read any books about depression and strategies to reduce it. But you ask them to go to GP or well anything and you aren't understanding you have to pussy foot around them, and they see this is working in their mind. This sort of reaction to their own depression is enough to bring anyone down because all, all the pressure has been shifted onto the other person.

And it makes you wonder are the second type depressed or just pissed off they don't have a better job, more status, more power, women flocking to them, better house, entitled envy basically. But instead of being happy and accepting of what they do have they feel entitled to establish depressed power over their household and people in it.

@frozendaisy I agree and it is selfish behaviour. I think he was in denial for a long time. I would bring it up every now and again and ask him if he thought he was depressed. He would say he probably was but not so anything about it.
i few I am at breaking point. The lack of affection or happiness is really getting to me. We have been together for 6 years . We don’t live together. He has no children and mine are adults now/ this is should be a time of fun. We see each other about three times a week. There are no cuddles in the bed or otherwise. He sleeps with his back to me most of the time.
sometimes I ask for a cuddle and his response is to put his arm on my leg.
It’s the lack of affection that is the most hurtful.
I have tried to be understanding but I do feel quite angry.

I find it difficult to be in a good mood and enjoy myself when my husband is having a low mood day. He's not depressed and this is occasional so I can imagine it would be much much harder, if he was like this more often.

I think it would be the end of the relationship for me, if he didn't get help. And if getting help didn't work, it would probably still be the end for me. I couldn't live like that forever.

Would he consider therapy? I would really feel that would be a dealbreaker for me. So only 2 of the last 6 years you’ve spent with him have been happy for you? Your children are grown, it seems like now would be the time for you to enjoy yourself since you have less responsibilities but he doesn’t seem to want to join you in that. You may as well be single at the moment?

why don’t you send him a message, if you can bear it, I mean no going out, no holidays, no affection, you expect more from an average friendship never mind a relationship!
send a messsge “let me know when the antidepressants start to work and you fancy taking me out for dinner”

and let it be the start of a slow fade outta there!

Yes, my husbands depression affected me a lot. He did eventually seek help and is much better but not cured. Anti depressing, and therapy.

Living with someone who had no joy in life and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere and started everyday with a miserable stance really made me feel low too. Even though I knew he was ill and needed help. I also used to think have I caused this. Did I make him like this.

I did decide there was no point us both being low so I had a lot of fun at work, and met up with others as much as possible.

My ex dragged me to rock bottom with him because when he was in a depressed phase I could be ignored for weeks at a time amongst many other things. It was horrific and I almost lost myself. He came out of it but I felt like a shell of myself and I couldn’t forgive him for how he was towards me during that time. He couldn’t help his depression but I think he could have been kinder to me. He would never seek help either so we always had to wait for it to pass.

Take care of yourself.

It sounds like a bad relationship for you, for a long time. If you want to remain in the relationship (most wouldn’t) would focus on your own MH and wellbeing.

I think so - my ex was depressed (and didn't do alot to help himself) and when we split a lot of family and friends said it was if a weight had lifted off me.

I am struggling to see what you get out of this relationship and why you are still in it tbh.
You say you have been together for 6 years but 4 of those years have been miserable, you don't live together and you don't have kids together. He never wants to do anything, the sex is intermittent and he shows you no affection.

I am genuinely wondering why you have remained with him for so long?

I usually hate it when posters turn things back on the OP but in this case I do think a bit of self reflection as to why you have put up with this for so long when it sounds like there is nothing actually tying you together might be useful. The answer to your feeling low may be hidden in there. Do you dread being alone and feel you have to put up with any relationship because it's better than being single? Are you repeating a relationship pattern?

@Orangesinthebag you make valid points and this is something I have been wrestling with with for a long time.
yes- I guess I am frightened of being alone, being lonely. Scared of what my chances are at 57 of finding someone else.
OH is a kind man, he is not a bad man. i would miss him but am aware I am very unhappy. That unhappiness has led to very low self esteem and this makes it harder for me to have the guts to take that leap.
I guess I keep hoping that he will turn back into the man I first knew.
i can pin point the change to when he changed jobs within his organisation (nhs admin). He hated it and had to take a month off work with stress and low mood. He then got another job which was similar to his old one and was much happier. However, the dip from the month of sick never really recovered.
He has tried counselling and says it was helpful but I can see no difference.

I totally get it. I am near to your age and am single and it has its challenges but I don't think it's as bad as being in a bad relationship that drags you down.

I think if I were you I'd see if he changes on the new medication but if things don't improve I would be ending it.
In the meantime, face your fear of being alone and consider in reality what your life would be like. Do you have friends you could see more? Do you have hobbies you could explore? Would you see your children more?

If you are not living with him and you are only seeing him a few times a week the reality is your life wouldn't be that much different.
I think it's your perception of single life and a belief that you are meant to be in a couple that is scaring you. I think women of our generation were brought up to think that being coupled up is the only way to live but that shouldn't force us to accept rubbish relationships.

It’s hard to give up on people you love but sometimes you have to. There’s no reason you should just plod along in life.

I wouldn’t immediately end the relationship as I’d give him one more chance but I would make big changes. Stop him coming over unless it’s to have a nice dinner or something and then send him home. No sleepovers.

He needs a bit of a shake up or nothing will change.