Partner to friend

[ClawsandEffect]

I had a long-term partner (15 years) but the relationship fizzled out for me. Reasons for this are multiple, but relate to his refusal to compromise on anything, ever. Things such as living together, marriage, emotional intimacy. I still care about him a lot, but ultimately, the one-sidedness of the relationship was just not enough for me. I'm OK with this now, although a few years ago, I was heartbroken about it. But we live and learn. And I got over it because there was no other option. He steadfastly refused any meeting in the middle.

I'm not entirely sure of the causes and the links, but in addition to the emotional element, I no longer wanted sex with him (or anyone - I'm done with relationships). It could be that post menopause, the drop in my libido is physical. It could be due to the state of the relationship. Or I suspect, it's a combo of both.

The issue is that he still wants what we had before. 3 years ago, I explained my position and although he was very upset about it, he seemed to come to terms with it. I told him I understood if he wanted to try to meet someone else, if he wanted to cut contact with me. Basically, to do whatever he wanted/needed to do.

Now, we see each other 2 or 3 times a month. I have a GD that he is a step-grandfather to. They have a brilliant relationship. My GD would be devastated if my ex were no longer in her life.

The issue is, that my ex, now my friend, has started asking for us to return to our old relationship. I think it's because he wants to reinstate our sexual relationship, but also because his life circumstances have changed and he's lonely now. (If he'd been proactive about these circumstances, our relationship may not have ended). I have no interest in this. I no longer feel this way.

You need to reduce the time you spend with him. How old is your GD? Can she see him independently?

She's too young to see him independently unfortunately. And I think the reduction in their relationship would hurt them both a lot.

But yes, a reduction in how often I see him is logical.

How old is your GD?
Does she see him 2-3 times a month as well?
Has she other grandparent figures in her life?

I'm wondering what you actually want out of this friendship for you. Are you happy still seeing him as a friend 2-3 times a month or would you prefer to see him less or not at all? What happens with holidays - have you holidayed together in the past but not now?

Does he understand that the relationship was so one-sided before? Why it didn't work before? I wonder if that might help him understand- though it might just trigger a load of, "I can change, it will be different." (And then he wouldn't change.)

But ultimately, it doesn't matter- you can keep on just saying no without saying more than "I don't want that."

@lonelyplanetmum I mostly only see him with GD although I'm not adverse to going for a coffee etc if he suggests it. I'm ok with the amount of contact we have. If he suggests something I don't want to do, I just say no. He's used to that now. I don't make an effort to be as available as I used to, because it's a different relationship now. It is a very long time since we've holidayed together.

@EBearhug I did explain it all to him, 3 years ago. And then about a year ago he made a comment, and again, I told him that his pushing me away for years and years (a very long time!) was why we'd come to this. And all he said was 'Life changes' as if I should have just waited for him indefinitely. But you're right. Ultimately, I don't want to hear offers to change now. That is no longer what I want.

Just tell him what you’ve said here. His loneliness or horniness is something he needs to sort out by himself. You’ve moved on years ago.

So you finally said enough.
But have been a decent human being for you GD and his relationship
He has “life changed” in that he couldn’t find any greener grass
And now he wants you let you look after him as he ages?

surely you just say “I’ve been there, done that, not going there again, the more you suggest it going forwards the less we will see you. Which means, in case you don’t understand, don’t ask again, just take the option out of your mind and things will be fine, do you understand?”

I don't think you can stay friends with this man, he will probably be hoping you change your mind at some point. He seems quite self absorbed with his 'life changes' comments as though he is now ready for a 'proper' relationship with you so you should be too. Very entitled. Definitely see him less, and I would preempt the getting back together comments by saying something clear he cannot argue or negotiate with such as 'Life changes, I don't see you that way any more.' I bet he starts seeing you less when he realises there's no point holding out hope of reconciliation.

Relationships are the hardest things to navigate and I often think that poor communication is often to blame. Sometimes you end up in a situation where one person is comfortable with the status quo and the other just isn’t. You then throw menopause into the mix and this adds a whole new complexity to things. I suspect he would say that the emotional distance was partly caused by lack of intimacy and you would state the opposite (when the truth is a bit of both). I think it’s human nature to become distant if you remove intimacy and this is a risk you take by doing it. And at the same time people don’t often want to be intimate with someone they feel disconnected with. This again comes down to communication and both parties being willing to make an effort. I’m in a situation myself at the moment where my relationship has evolved and I’m not entirely happy about it, but my partner is perfectly happy with the status quo. Unless something changes and we find a compromise, then this will lead to frustration and resentment in the not too distant future.

It sounds to me like you have the situation under control. If you’ve split then it’s also not your job to make your ex happy, no matter how much he’d like you too. The regular contact may not be helping him to move on though.

@frozendaisy

I'm actually overjoyed about his relationship with my GD, because my family is very very small, with other grandparents very far away. So it's lovely they have this relationship and they both love each other, which is a joy to see.

But yes, there is an element of him needing care now he's older. But I don't feel that is my responsibility now. If he had made a commitment to me 10 years ago, then yes, absolutely, I would have taken that on.

I like the point about explaining we'll have to see him less if he keeps pushing. Make it clear to him.

@Theoldbird

With every other relationship end, I have cut the other person out of my life. But I started to think that this was a bad thing, because these people were important to me at one stage or another and as I'm older now, didn't want to do it this time. In the long run, it would have been easier though, probably for both of us, sadly.

@LoyalSwan

You're right, and I am a bad communicator. I know this. Even with myself. It took me a long time to work out why I was distancing myself from him when I was still forcing myself into intimacy I didn't want. He was always emotionally distant from me but I do accept he feels I am now more distant from him because there is no physical element anymore. Although for me, the emotional distance was solely due to his inability to share himself and his life. But I do accept he doesn't see it that way. I think my situation was like your situation (not the physical aspect of course) where I wasn't happy and he was because all his needs were met without much reciprocation. But now the tables have turned.

I wish he'd been able to see what we had, when it was available. Rather than being sad and nostalgic now I've changed. But there's no going back. And I can't deny my GD the relationship she has with him.

@ClawsandEffect I hadn’t realised you were still being intimate even though you weren’t receiving the emotional connection and commitment you wanted and no doubt deserved. I had assumed that you’d withdrawn intimacy and that had led to emotional distance, or the 2 events were at least closely linked. It feels like a classic case of someone taking you for granted, because they were getting what they wanted out of the relationship. So many people seem to do this and then wonder why they eventually split. Relationships are hard work and take commitment, consideration and investment.

Realistically, young children are quite adaptable to reduced contact with adults they only see 2-3 times a month anyway. Clearly your GD has adapted to more distant contact with the other grandparents. Families move further away (or even abroad) and the grandchildren do adjust. The main need is for their main caregivers/parents to provide stability and love and for some other children to play with.

So, I can’t quite explain but somehow I wonder if you are using GD as something of a justification for your continued contact. Could it be you who wants to have the joint grandparent experience? You became unhappy in the relationship as he didn’t share enough of himself or appreciate you, so you withdrew and you say you are fully reconciled to that, but somehow I’m getting a feeling of lingering unresolved hurt coming through? Maybe some counselling just for you, would help achieve more closure? If you met someone else would you want to introduce them as a potential step grandparent?

Why can’t he facilitate his own relationship with the GD?

My guess is he’s only interested in seeing the GD as it’s a way of seeing you.

@lonelyplanetmum, no. I definitely don't want anyone else to share being a grandparent with me. I have actively decided no more relationships, ever. I love the peace of mind I have now I'm no longer in a relationship and actually wish I hadn't wasted most of my life in unsatisfying relationships. I'm very career minded and know what I could have achieved if I hadn't insisted on being with dysfunctional partners.

There is a little bit of anger left that my ex didn't sort himself out to have what we could have done. But I genuinely am past wanting it.

@HenDoNot Possibly a bit. But they also do really love each others company. In a lot of ways, my GD is more like my ex than she is like me. I'm quite introvert, bookish. They are lively, outgoing and silly and enjoy a lot of the same things.

I think ( as Trump would say) you have the cards. Just decide how much grand parenting you want to do on your own, how much you want to share with him (if any) and then only make those arrangements.

If he wants to see GD independently he could do that but, somehow my guess is he wouldn't, and that it's something he enjoys more as you're there.

If he voices his regrets, just repeat that door is firmly closed/ encourage him to meet someone else?

@lonelyplanetmum just repeat that door is firmly closed/ encourage him to meet someone else Yes, I think you're right. I nearly did this last week, when he asked if we could go back to our old relationship. But he was so down, it felt cruel.