I have an anxious attachment style and im working towards being secure. How long did it take you to feel more secure within yourself? Did you relapse? What helped you?
my story below for context.
I recognised I had anxious attachment last year when I entered a fling with someone at work after also being in a relationship since my 20’s and now I’m nearly 40. The anxiety I felt in my 20’s when men would lure me in, being very loving and affectionate initially then backing off after sex and using me for sex until something better came along. I would continue to sleep with them thinking it would change their mind, over analyse every text and conversation, chase them. Same thing started happening last year and same as back then I thought what is wrong with me so started reading up on it and realised it’s because I have anxious attachment.
ive been to a therapist who has helped me uncover things in my childhood that have led to this. I’m also part of a community online that I pay for which helps to regulate my nervous system, sit with my emotions, journal and gives advice and there is something everyday.
however, even though I know it’s my inner child and nervous system wanting the validation, I was so deep in the fling I couldn’t end it even though I wanted to. He ended it and I was gutted. But I am proud to say since then, I have not reached out or initiated contact, it’s always him who messages me or comes to see me. I try to avoid him, I.e changed my lunch, don’t reach out, don’t try and bump into him and I did ask for space. He’s not respected this but I find it so hard because I work with him to say please respect my boundary because the anxiety sits there and I find it harder to regulate my emotions at work.
I want to get to a point where I can go into work and not care. As in if I do or do not see or talk to him it doesn’t trigger me.
i have no desire to date anyone else and want to be on my own for a bit to really heal this part of me and be happy with myself. Respect myself, not lower my boundaries and be prepared to walk away. But I just feel like that version of me, is so far in the distance I may never get there. It may be because I can’t cut work person off completely so it’s making it harder to heal.
either way, positive and encouraging stories would help me right now.
thanks for reading it you’ve got this far.