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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Volatile DD

24 replies

sunnyday2025 · 01/03/2025 22:35

Ex and I divorced last year, he was a bully and we are not in good terms.

DD 17 lives with me, seeing ex intermittently. He is classic Disney Dad and I'm quite sure manipulates DD.
Since we split she has become increasingly volatile and verbally aggressive towards me; going nuclear in a split second if she doesn't get her own way. I frequently feel intimidated by her and have probably let far too much slide.

I pay for therapy sessions for her but they don't seem to have made much difference.

Tonight things have escalated. She came home from work without her keys for the umpteenth time and discovered I had gone out for the evening.
She phoned me and literally screamed abuse, demanding I return immediately so she could get ready for a party. Everyone I was with could hear her, it was mortifying. The rant finished with her saying she was going to live with ex and hung up on me.

I am exhausted by the constant onslaught of anger. I left ex because of his bullying and I can't deal with more of it from DD.
Nothing I say or do makes any difference, she just seems to hate me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 01/03/2025 22:40

I need advice on how to deal with this current situation. I am now home and she is out at a party. - I am so upset

OP posts:
poppinpink · 01/03/2025 22:51

That's awful! I can't imagine my daughter speaking to me like that and I certainly wouldn't let her either. I think you should just let her go and stay with her dad. She might realise the error of her ways or maybe the two of them are better together. It's a very hard situation but you need to be strong and show her that you won't tolerate being treated like that. It's a shame you've came home from your own night out. Try and get some rest and maybe speak in the morning. Flowers

Dolambslikemintsauce · 01/03/2025 22:53

Ime you send her to her df's.. She will soon find out the grass isn't greener. Send her a message saying you are off to bed and she can get a taxi to his house. And mean it.. Ds 14 tried hbso shit with me.... Came crawling back a year later..

Dolambslikemintsauce · 01/03/2025 22:54

You do her no favours pandering to her demands.

Maitri108 · 01/03/2025 23:05

Unfortunately it seems as though she takes after her dad. Her behaviour evidently works as you scampered back at her command.

If she wants to live with her dad, let her. They can bully each other.

Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 01/03/2025 23:05

It was a real wake up call seeing the look on my friends faces. Literally couldn't believe DD had no qualms about ranting at me in front of other people.

OP posts:
Dolambslikemintsauce · 01/03/2025 23:11

And you bowed to her demands!!

Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 01/03/2025 23:19

Not tonight... I returned home under my own timescale

OP posts:
Devianinc · 01/03/2025 23:58

I don’t mean to harsh but it looks like to me you and your ex are trying to be the prize she wants. She’s very manipulative and honestly I’d let her go live with her father if you can. I have idea of your personality finances but she’s like the puppet master. Jump mom, jump dad. No more jumping and tell her to grow up.

Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 02/03/2025 00:03

What do I actually say to her? I need a clear script so I don't end up being backed into a corner yet again

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 00:17

sunnyday2025 · 02/03/2025 00:03

What do I actually say to her? I need a clear script so I don't end up being backed into a corner yet again

Tell her how you want to be treated, your boundaries and the consequences of similar behaviour.

Devianinc · 02/03/2025 00:20

I’m really not that sure, I know 17 year old girls can be very unpleasant. Maybe ask her if she’s be happier living with father bc you can see she’s not happy with you. And then just hear what she has to say after that. I think she’s just pushing her weight around right now to see where it lands. Of course do all the, you know I love you but see what she has to say. She might surprise, or not. I been there with that age with both girl and boy.

Thelnebriati · 02/03/2025 00:33

You are the victim of domestic abuse, and I recommend you get support from a charity. You need emotional support, and practical & advice on how to move forwards.

I'd start the conversation with her not taking responsibility for her keys because she's probably expecting you to want to challenger her abusive behaviour. Is she leaving them in the house? (or is she putting you at risk by leaving them lying around somewhere? Don't put that idea into her head.)

Would her Dad want her living with him? It might give you a break and give her time to grow up.

healthybychristmas · 02/03/2025 00:42

Honestly, I think it would be much better if your mental health if she went to live with her dad. She's abusive with you. If she isn't with him then that's a good thing for her. You need a really good break from her. Is she planning to do anything like go to university or move into her own place anyway?

I'm sure he will be happy and will gloat at first but you know she will treat him in the same way in the end.

healthybychristmas · 02/03/2025 00:42

I wouldn't worry about your friends hearing her. They will all be on your side.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 02/03/2025 00:51

Let her go to her df’s. She 17, not quite an adult, but old enough to know how to be respectful.

AliceMcK · 02/03/2025 00:55

“Who do you think you are calling me and speaking to me in that way? I am your mother, not some piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe. You will never speak to me like that again!
You are 17 years old, if you are incapable of making sure you have your keys, you find a way to deal with it. It is not my responsibility to run around after you!
I have done my best for you, trying to shield you from your abusive father, but if you want to live with him, at 17yo that is your decision.
I will not pander to your violent outbursts anymore. You either learn some respect, or get out of my home and see how long you can survive with your father, maybe living with him will show you how easy you have had it here.”

Sunnydays25 · 02/03/2025 08:54

Your DD is lashing out at you but she is just 17, and has had an awful model from her Dad.

I think kicking her out is too extreme and could really damage her - she'll have to live with an abusive, bullying man. You need to keep talking to her and try to get to the root of her bahaviour - is she angry that you left your ex, or angry that you stayed for so long? She may have very complicated feelings about her Dad as she witnessed how he treated you.

I think you need to have joint therapy sessions with your DD, and put all your efforts into saving your relationship with her, and helping her to manage her anger issues.

On a more practical note about her losing the keys, you get a key safe and put it somewhere discrete outside your home. You can fix it to a wall and it opens with a code, so if she forgets her key she can still get in. I had one for carers coming into my Dad, attached to the wall behind a bush.

If thats not possible, can you leave a spare key with a neighbour? It will be a drag for her to knock to ask, so will help her to remember her key.

Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 02/03/2025 09:40

Sunnydays25 · 02/03/2025 08:54

Your DD is lashing out at you but she is just 17, and has had an awful model from her Dad.

I think kicking her out is too extreme and could really damage her - she'll have to live with an abusive, bullying man. You need to keep talking to her and try to get to the root of her bahaviour - is she angry that you left your ex, or angry that you stayed for so long? She may have very complicated feelings about her Dad as she witnessed how he treated you.

I think you need to have joint therapy sessions with your DD, and put all your efforts into saving your relationship with her, and helping her to manage her anger issues.

On a more practical note about her losing the keys, you get a key safe and put it somewhere discrete outside your home. You can fix it to a wall and it opens with a code, so if she forgets her key she can still get in. I had one for carers coming into my Dad, attached to the wall behind a bush.

If thats not possible, can you leave a spare key with a neighbour? It will be a drag for her to knock to ask, so will help her to remember her key.

Ex and I were rarely on the same page in terms of parenting when we were together let alone now. DD has always known that he would take her side when she didn't like what I had to say and so this is where we are now. He idolises her and she runs rings around him as much as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 02/03/2025 09:56

The very last thing I want to do is tell her to leave but her behaviour is getting worse and I sense she is trying find out just how far she can push me.

I know she is angry about the divorce, she tells me regularly how bad her life is now. I can't change that and know it will take time for her to process. But I've done everything I can for her including counselling and still she treats me like utter shit.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 10:06

"I think kicking her out is too extreme and could really damage her - she'll have to live with an abusive, bullying man. You need to keep talking to her and try to get to the root of her bahaviour - is she angry that you left your ex, or angry that you stayed for so long? She may have very complicated feelings about her Dad as she witnessed how he treated you".

I would concur with the above comment made by Sunny days, particularly those last two sentences.

She has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call her out on such behaviour. She can likely control herself around other people so she does not have an anger management problem. AM courses are also no answer to domestic abuse which is what is being described here. She is copying what her dad did to you; she's been conditioned over the years and sees this as her norm. You left him finally but she is now in her late teens; a lot of damage has been done by him to you both. She could well end up being abusive towards her partner in her own adult relationships particularly if she is not open to receive help now. I would contact Womens Aid and would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 14:16

sunnyday2025 · 02/03/2025 09:56

The very last thing I want to do is tell her to leave but her behaviour is getting worse and I sense she is trying find out just how far she can push me.

I know she is angry about the divorce, she tells me regularly how bad her life is now. I can't change that and know it will take time for her to process. But I've done everything I can for her including counselling and still she treats me like utter shit.

Then what you're doing isn't working OP.

Original poster
sunnyday2025 · 02/03/2025 15:37

I will speak to her when she gets back from work this afternoon. Dreading it

OP posts:
orangesonatree · 02/03/2025 16:46

Keep us posted OP. Wishing you strength x

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