I don't love my DH anymore (long)

[TriwizardCupcake]

I really don't know what to do. This is the first time I've admitted this to anyone out loud. I don't love my DH anymore. I don't even like my DH anymore.

Usually I am able to suppress my feelings about this. Days when it's difficult are things like our wedding anniversery where I'm having to choose a card and I can't go along with the mushy sentiments. Also, recently we went away on holiday, which meant I had to spend loads of time with him, which I hated. 5 hour journey each way in the car where we didn't speak a word because we just don't have anything to say to one another.

He hasn't changed, I have. He has never been the most easy of people. He's pretty dour, always sees the worst in people and is very intense (I used to like the very intense bit). He doesn't "do" smalltalk. We never have anything to talk about. He'll come home, I'll ask him about his day, he'll ask me about my day but switch off when I'm telling him because he's not really that interested.

I'm not a particularly "easy" person to get along with either. I have OCD and moodswings. I'm rubbish at keeping the house clean (I am a SAHM) and very low in energy most of the time. BTW, he doesn't give me a hard time about the house or the energy, and he does help by washing up after dinner and putting DD to bed.

Our sex life has always been pretty rubbish. It used to be the case that he was never interested in having sex with me and I got fed up of always trying to initiate it and being turned down. On our honeymoon we had sex once (and that probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't kept on at him about it). The only reason that our DD was conceived was that we were having sex therapy at the time and our therapist had put us on a "sex ban" - which meant that DH had to break the ban to be contrary.

Things have changed over the last year where I've gone off him sexually and dread him making a move on me. We'd really like a brother or sister for DD, but this is looking less and less likely.

If it wasn't for the fact we are married, have a DD and a mortgage together I would have ended the relationship long ago.

I don't want to feel like this. I am gutted that I feel like this. I feel so lonely. The silly thing is that when he has a day off work coming up I really look forward to it, but I always end up feeling sad and disappointed.

I'm starting to wonder if it would be better if we split up so that DD doesn't pick up on this, but I don't know how I would cope on a practical level. Plus I take my marriage vows seriously. Really what I would rather is that we could be together and I could stop feeling like this.

I don't think we'd be able to afford therapy at the moment, and we don't really have anyone nearby who we could get to babysit if we were going to therapy on a regular basis (DD is 22 mo).

If you're still with me thanks. I doubt there's much anyone can say, but just wanted to offload

to save your marriage you could afford the councelling and find a babysitter - i mean if that was the crunch point - it seems like its something you would just make happen.

anyway - if you are lonley have you tried makeing your life happier by doing things you want to do rather than rely on your dh to make you happy?

i have no solution to the no sex thing o- other than for him to see a doctor - which as a man i am guessing he would rather eat his own arse than do?

at least if you make an effort to make you happy - you will be happier - if then at that point you want to re-assess things then fine

It sounds like you're having a hard time.

Therapy is a heck of a lot cheaper than a divorce.

And from what I know, couples therapy fairly often involves helping the couple realise it's over, so they can have an amicable divorce, iyswim.

I'm sorry you're having such a sad time. I agree with what NQC said.

I suppose we could claw together the money for therapy, but I don't know who would be able to look after DD while we were there.

I use up the quota of my DM coming over and helping because she looks after DD one day a week while I work and it's a bit of a drive for her.

I don't want to be so reliant on DH to make me happy. I find it really hard to make friends. I have some people I get on with who I probably wouldn't be friends with if we didn't all have children. All of my close friends have moved away over the last couple of years.

I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I must agree that therapy should be your first course of action before ending the relationship.

If your dh moves out what are you going to do differently that will make you happy?

I don't think your husband is the problem here, I think you need to look at what is missing and then fill that gap. Perhaps a course in self confidence and assertiveness may help?

Tell people how you feel, generally they will react with kindness and help you through this difficult patch. Trust me [grin)

You're right that being reliant on your DH to make you happy is a bad situation. Maybe individual therapy would help with that, rather than couples therapy?

It does sound like you might be depressed, or have issues from your past you need to deal with?

Do you get much time together without the children? It's difficult to get close and really pay attention to each other when you have kids running around all the time. My suggestions would be a couple of nights away together - even have someone to have the children over a weekend and just spend time alone. Alternatively I would suggest a trial separation to see what it's like being away from each other and to see if it's what you really want.

Really feel for you triwizard. My dd has OCD and I am going through a similar thing with my dh, so I can imagine how difficult things are for you.

NQC speaks sense. You need to go to therapy with dh. Would he go? If not, you can go to Relate on your own. I did that, and it helped me clarify exactly what was making me unhappy - stuff I could then present to dh in a calm way. And yes is way cheaper than divorce.

You need to get out there and mix a little bit. What do you love? Could you work an extra day to earn a bit more money and treat yourself with an evening class or something?
You need to look after yourself, find your va va voom again.
And there MUST be some teenagers in your area who would babysit for you.
Where are you? Are there other mners there?

Thanks folks.

We just have the one child DD - 22 months.

We don't go out as a couple anymore. It's just not practical right now. DD's bedtime routine is pretty late - she doesn't really go to sleep until between 9pm and 10pm and one of us has to sleep beside her - she gets hysterical and throws up if she is left alone in her cot (so we gave up controlled crying pretty sharpish!!!)

Neither DH or I mind her going to sleep in this way - we're happy with the decision to let things evolve in their own time - it just means that it wouldn't be very practical for someone else to put her to bed!! Also, I don't think either DH or I would be comfortable letting someone we didn't know very well look after her at the moment.

I don't think DH would have a problem with going to relate - he's a big believer in therapy. I might have a chat to him later about logistics of it all.

gracepaley - I run my own business and at the moment I'm not making any money It's picking up but is taking a while. I am only able to work one day when my DM can help with childcare. (thanks for sharing your experience. I hope things go better for you, your DH and your DD)

I have spoken to DH about trying to have a night out a week where I do something for myself. He has been encouraging me to do this and from postings I'm getting back I think it is probably time I got up off my backside and did it.

I think you should try to change the things about yourself that you are unhappy with, then when you've tackled that you can reassess your relationship. Your dh sounds supportive in a practical sense but the two of you seem so unconnected emotionally. It may only be therapy that can help you to reconnect. My dh and I had problems recently (have been together a long time) and counselling helped loads. You need to shop around for a counsellor though - there are lots of different models used and you need to find one that suits you and dh. I think your mum would happily babysit if it meant your marriage had a chance of surviving. If things go well, you can reduce the frequency of the sessions to fortnightly, then monthly etc.

Your dd's sleep issue/bed time routine could be causing a lot of stress in your relationship as well.