Help!! 3 kids, married 17yrs, together 26yrs and an emotional affair

[FrankieRed]

I feel like I am going insane.
6 months ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with his colleague. He said nothing happened and it’s over. He said he told her that he wouldn’t do anything unless he left me. We had grown apart as
we have a 6, 12 and 15 year olds. Life was hectic but he did his own thing and didn’t try.

He is her boss and they work together every day. They often go on work trips away all day to different locations.
We have been relate counselling but stopped as he felt like it was just a session to get at him.
We both agreed we needed to work on our relationship and spend more time together, communicate more and be more intimate.
Things are great periodically, however he is now saying he only wants intimacy 1-2 a week and never spends time with me. When I try telling him how I feel we just argue.

Recently she asked him for a bonus and offered it to him on a plate. He said no. She then started wearing fishnet stockings and mini skirts to work. He says he tells her no but she carry’s on. I tell him he needs to talk to his boss but he doesn’t.

i know she is also married with a young child and her husband doesn’t know.

I cry most days as don’t know what to do.

Anyone been in a similar situation or have advice?

Take control. At the moment im
Sorry to say, he’s just stringing you along.

he probably thinks he’ll look bad for leaving when you’re children are young. He’ll leave eventually though.

the fact he stopped the therapy because he felt he was being hit at is staggering. Shows he wasn’t fully engaged and trying to fix things.

i think k you need to ask him to leave, tell him
hes doing enough to try and fix things so he can leave and try to woo you back or he can leave and you can get a divorce, his choice. But id be planning the divorce anyway. You need to get everything you need together to fight for what’s best for you and your children.

What do you want to happen?

I believe there’s a website called surviving infidelity that has advice on how to navigate this kind of thing. I am sorry but I don't believe that he hasn’t slept with her because he’s rejecting sex with you, hasn’t told his boss that she’s apparently sexually harassing him or made an effort to get another job so he can’t be around her. I think I would expect him to leave and get another job but he probably won’t because it’s still going on. I would also maybe consider telling her husband tbh.

Sorry, just to add that I would have insisted that he keep going to marriage counselling because he only stopped because he didn’t like to hear the truth about his behaviour. He sounds very selfish op. I’m sorry. Maybe you should see a lawyer and start getting those ducks in a row?

Thank you everyone. I just needed to hear what I was thinking wasn’t insane!!

You’re definitely not insane 💐

How did you find out he was having an emotional affair in the first place? Sorry you are going through this OP. If he truly wants to work on your marriage, then it’s ultimatum time - he either finds a new job and blocks her on his phone, or if he’s unwilling to do this, you separate.

Also, the stuff about the bonus and her wearing stockings around the office and him ‘telling her no’ just doesn’t ring true, if that what he’s telling you.

@FrankieRed, he isn’t truly remorseful. It sounds like he is calling all the shots, but it doesn’t work that way in affair recovery. He, as the betrayer, needs to comply with your reconciliation requirements.

If he was serious about helping you heal and restoring your trust, he would:
*Accept full responsibility for his choice to cheat
*Invest in spending time with you and strengthening your connection
*Cut contact with OW
*Get a new job
*Provide open access to his devices, statements, etc.
*Access IC to examine his flaws that enabled his cheating
*Provide empathy and transparency when you need to vent, ask questions, or seek reassurance

So far he is a poor candidate for a successful reconciliation. He is still working and traveling with OW, which is outrageous, and refuses to speak to his boss about the affair so changes can be made. He isn’t looking for a new job. He never spends time with you and is hostile when you express your feelings. He quit attending Relate, and wasn’t receptive to learning about himself and how to be a safe partner for you.

@FrankieRed, stop tolerating his selfishness and callous disregard. He clearly feels entitled to control the narrative, and he couldn’t care less about your feelings, boundaries, or what you need to heal. He needs to experience some sharp consequences and understand how it feels to lose you. Send him away while you consult with a solicitor and seriously consider your options.

Personally, I wouldn’t be staying with this cheat who is not moving mountains to make amends. You’ll never regain your peace of mind if you stay. It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that’s with a remorseful betrayer who is 100% all in. This guy is still spending more time with his Affair Partner than he does with you. I think he is still gaining a buzzy validation from her and that the EA is not over.

I found out he had a locked chat on what’s app and he had been on the phone to her for an hour on the evening of our 16th wedding anniversary. I demanded he unlocked it and saw all the messages between them.

How do you know she was wearing fishnets and mini skirts ? Did you see her or did he tell you ?

He's her boss? Surely there's some sort of company ruling around disclosing close relationships as its a conflict of interest.
Also, agree with pp, get angry and start planning. He doesn't get to decide the next steps.

Hes at risk of getting in a lot of trouble with HR

I think if he really cares about the marriage and his job he will look for a new job in a different company and break off all contact with her.

If he was remotely sorry he’d have got a different job. He didn’t.

He told me x

People confess to affairs because they want out, and they’re hoping you’ll end it. The affair probably never stopped.

It’s time to call it quits. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it’s best to know when to let go.

Yeah. I don't know a single woman who would do this. Especially for work...

Let's be honest your husband isn't going to go to his boss and tell them this woman is sexually harassing him! He can hardly do that, when he's this woman's boss and has been having an emotional affair with her! She could equally complain and say he sexually harassed her! Your husband being this woman's boss, equates to a power imbalance in the relationship. I doubt the company would think too highly of your husband's conduct, considering his position is more senior. How old is your husband and how old is this woman? It's also possible, she's been using her feminine charms to try and get preferential treatment - bonuses/salary rises/extra expenses etc. You've said yourself she offered herself up on a plate for a bonus!! So her interest in your husband could be self-serving, rather than anything else, in which case your husband has been a fool. Your husband needs to find a new job or a different role away from this woman. Yet he appears to be rather reluctant. He's stopped engaging in couples therapy as he felt he was essentially being blamed and he hasn't blocked this woman. He's not exactly trying very hard to save his marriage. If he's not willing to try, then there's not much point in trying to salvage the relationship. It sounds, as if he's mentally and emotionally checked out of your marriage.

Think the OP jumped the shark with this one. Sounds more like a Benny Hill sketch than something a real woman would do in the workplace.

You can't save your marriage if only one of you is trying.

How are you getting on @FrankieRed ? Hoping you are ok xxx