Leaving a narcissistic relationship ADVICE

[butyoudont]

Hello, I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have 2 young children. At the start of the relationship it was great, we fell in love and quickly moved in together after about 6 months.
You know how it goes, everything was fine until one day it wasn't. We had been together for 3 years when we had our first child, everything was great but he wasn't overly supportive after the birth or with the baby during the night.
Things were okay and as our baby grew older they also got easier. We had our second baby 2 years later and things got progressively worse.. it wasn't often but if we argued he would get aggressive and agitated very quickly and would get physical. The children never witnessed it luckily but it was awful nonetheless. During this time I also found out he had been seeing someone else.

Fast forward to now I have had enough. I found out he had cheated once again a few months ago and realised I need to get out of here but it's gotten so much worse. I am a SAHM but worked up until I had the children, we thought it would be better because of the massive childcare costs but now I am not financially stable alone.

I am desperate to leave, I have ended the relationship today and told him I don't think it's working after he attacked me once again. I am remaining calm and trying to stay out of his way at home but I never know what will trigger him.

If anybody has any advice on what to do to make leaving somebody like this easier I would be so grateful. I have heard of the gray rock method but if I say nothing he gets mad and if I say something he gets mad so I just feel like I can't win. All of the bills and debt is in my name due to me having the better credit score so I will need to find a way to sort that out but right now I would love to hear stories of how to end this type of relationship while also keeping it as placid and peaceful as possible.

Thanks so much in advance

Hi op sorry your going through this but yes made the right decision, good for you,
OK so what support do you have family/ friends, is the home mortgage or rented ?? Would he be willing to leave family home , is he willing to co parent, ?
Support, womans aid, DHSS for financial advice on what you would be entitled too, housing advice depends if he is willing to leave that is, looking ahead depends on him co parenting so maybe you could return to work,
Gray rock is a skill but once you get it it's bloody great, so let's say , h is looking for an argument or putting you down name calling belittling you, you reply with one line answers or minimum words, like, will think about that, will see, OK, thanks will have a look into that, stay calm no eye contact, walk away, he is waiting for a reaction don't give it to him, personal insults answer with, that's OK, sorry you feel that way, depending on insult that is, but keep to the minimum, and keep calm,
You have a lot of things to sort out as above do one thing aday, keep a note but out of site too, would be great if he agreed to you children having the home and him leaving then it's just the financial situation to delve though and planning the co parenting, am sure you will get alot of great advice and many other support systems to help with this process on here op

@Omgblueskys

Hey! Thank you so much for responding!

That's really good advice I will keep a mental note of that. I'm not sure how he's going to handle it to be honest. In the midst of things he gets angry and is unreasonable but then later on will act like he isn't bothered and acts like he's very easy going, almost to try and make out I'm the unreasonable one. I think he will coparent but I'm not sure it will be easy. He's not controlling of me personally but he is very much a control freak on how things are done etc so I know things will inevitably have to be done his way for it to be peaceful.
I have amazing family and friends and they live locally to us which is really helpful. We rent, but I doubt he will want to stay here alone as it's close to my family but far from his. But I don't know if he will leave at all. When I mentioned him leaving when possible today he said he won't be told what to do and will stay as long as he likes. At this point I just feel like I need to live my life as separately as I can whilst living together in hopes he decides he's better off somewhere else.
I'm definitely getting back into work but I very much doubt I will be able to rely on him at all for childcare but I will have to make it work as lots of others do.

Thanks for the gray rock tips, I will definitely try that because when I reply during the verbal abuse is usually where it escalates when I try and defend myself against what he's saying. 😊

“All of the bills and debt is in my name”

Does this include the rental agreement? I’d check the legal position - phone Shelter to find out what the situation is.

As for “he would get aggressive and agitated very quickly and would get physical”, this is assault. You are being abused by this man, and it needs to stop. Inform the police, and if necessary, you can force him out and get a injunction if he is being violent towards you. I think you need some legal advice - and I would also phone the National Domestic Abuse helpline - they should be able to point you in the right direction.

Jesus, my main worry is that you've told him you've had enough and are leaving before you've got things in place - and this can be the most volatile time. You could lie to 'soothe' him and say you've had a think and are so sorry, but will stay (to buy yourself some time where he will relax his boundaries a little). It might sound counter-intuitive, but it's to keep you and the kids safer. Then report this conduct to the police, if only to get a crime reference number.

You say "later on will act like he isn't bothered and acts like he's very easy going," - in DV, this is called the planning stage. Where he's thinking about things and how to stop you from going, and how. Be wary.

If the tenancy isn't joint, make an application for an occupation order which will have him forced from the gaff. The obvious issue is that he knows where yo ulive and can cause hassle - can you move?

Depending where you live, DVPN's can now be served by the police where the perp is excluded from the address for 28 days.

Hi @Spooky2000, yes I think that was probably a bad idea too. I was just so sick of the behaviour and I just blurted out that I wasn't going to take it any more. He's actually still not talking to me, however he isn't being actively nasty either. I can't quite figure out what's going on at the moment so it wouldn't feel right to say I'll stay yet until he's being normal again.

That's really interesting to know about the planning stage, he does this almost every time we have an "episode" like this as I see it. It's like a massive explosion and aftermath, then it's like a calmness and quietness and then things slowly return to normal if you can call it that but when he decides to talk to me again he explains how it was all my fault and how I have provoked him to do these things.

He does say during the madness that if I was to ever call the police that he wouldn't rest until he had made my life a living hell. Although it seems impossible I'm trying to find a way to end things and move on without it turning nasty but I can imagine that just isn't possible with people like this.

@sesquipedalian hello! Yes so all bills and tenancy is in my name which is one positive I think, the tenancy at least. I'm trying to hold off on calling the police until we are away and safe or if possible, the relationship is ended in a peaceful manner but I don't know how easy that is going to be at this point. It is SO hard to read him sometimes, after these things happen he tends to be quiet and avoids me mostly. Part of me thinks he does this so I am worrying about what he is doing, as during the arguments he will say how he's seeing other people etc. at this point in the relationship though I just don't care anymore. Of course it hurts but I think there comes a point for everyone where you know it's time to go and this is it for me.

I'm definitely going to call the helpline, over the years I've started to believe that it's partly my fault these things happen and I don't want to believe it any more. Thank you so much for your reply

You're right, it isn't possible with people like this - and his threatening you if you called the police is a MAJOR red flag. I reckon he's a past he wants to hide. 🤔

Thank God everything is in your name - it will make it so much easier to get him out - and then potentially, you should look to move anyway. You say "...I can't quite figure out what's going on at the moment so it wouldn't feel right to say I'll stay yet until he's being normal again." - planning. De-escalate by appearing apologetic and then go and speak to your local force on 101 and ask if they serve these. This is what a DVPN will do, but not all forces are using them yet.

In the context of domestic abuse, a Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN) is a police-issued document that provides immediate protection to victims, while a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO) is a court order that can impose further restrictions on the perpetrator.

Here's a more detailed explanation:
DVPN (Domestic Violence Protection Notice):
Issued by police officers.

Provides immediate protection to victims of domestic abuse.

Must be served on the perpetrator within 48 hours.

Police can apply to a magistrates' court for a DVPO within 48 hours of serving the DVPN.

The terms of a DVPN can include prohibiting the perpetrator from molesting the victim, evicting them from the premises, or coming within a specified distance of the premises.

Centre for womens justice - check out on here whether your force is covered. You can report in the most recent assault and you must learn to start taking photos of injuries and recording him when an argument starts to give weight against him arguing that it's your word against his. I have a voice recorder app on my home screen that's set to start recording the moment I open it.

You can get him hoofed out immediately.

I'd also recommend a read of Jane Monckton-Smith book and here's linkn explaining what the notices do. Also, consider the Freedom course via DV support - it's illuminating.

Hi Op,
Maybe have a chat with Women's Aid. They know the lay of the land/ law.
The threat was very unpleasant and may well be serious.
The usual advice is get all your documents that you need, or copies and have a go bag (at a friends) so you can leave when they are out of the house. Best to keep polite in the meantime. Document, privately their behaviours..
Some personality types/disorders can do a civil split, others cannot.
Please take advice and good luck.