Firstly I’ve done a lot of inward work and have an active life, financially ok- not rich but enough to cover my mortgage and spending money, I’m an attractive and a caring kind female who has worked hard in the nhs.
Single life (single 2 years) has its ups and downs but I recently came back from a 2 week break with my elderly parents (both not well at present), siblings and I feel not upbeat which you should do after a sun holiday but totally floored- in physical pain. Physical pain coming home to an empty house, whilst my siblings excitedly went back home to see their loving partners - kids. I don’t feel sad or depressed or low in mood but I actually feel pain in my body from the heart ache, knowing that it feels utterly impossible to meet someone at this age and I can’t see my life changing.
I’m back on online dating and there’s nothing I mean there is nothing of any character worth considering unless I wish to drop my standards and self respect. Last year I done nights out and that was ten times worse than online dating , lots of reasons - expensive, younger crowd, married men rings of, only looking casual - it was the grimmest most demoralising experience ever- so I’ve safely parked the nights out. Please don’t say why don’t you go out with an open mindset and just focus on having fun and not meeting someone because believe me I did do that. I am involved in hobbies but the chance of meeting someone through my activities is like a needle in a hay stack.
I made a promise with myself not to sleep with anyone unless in a committed relationship. I could use a sperm donor and have kids myself but being honest I think that would drown me financially I’d just be getting by.
Its extremely difficult on the very rare occasion I do get a nice date to keep up with the pretence of high vibe positive energy - “oh yeh my life is wonderful isn’t it great being single”- whilst in the background there’s this stabbing pain of loneliness and sadness the way my life has panned out. I’d two long term relationships from my late twenties to mid 30s and they just didn’t materialise.
I just can’t continue this it’s soul destroying.