How often do you go on dates in early stages

[Sunshine386]

I've recently been going on dates with someone who lives 30-40 minutes away. We've been on 7 dates and have only been meeting up once a week at a weekend for 2-3 hours for the past 6 weeks. Most of the times he has come to my area, and its always him who has to leave. Neither of us have kids.

He's a very sociable person and has lots of things on with friends and exercise things. I do to an extent, but not as much as him and if I'm dating someone we usually end up spending more time together than this by this point. I'm not someone who wants to be in each others pockets but this seems like a low amount of time to see each other. What do others think?

We aren't official, both in 30s so not an age where you're constantly out drinking with friends, and we have kissed but not been intimate, partly because I dont feel we spend enough time for the connection to have deepened and its in the back of my mind that he doesn't appear to have loads of free time.

I think it's different for everyone. It depends on how you met, the strength of connection/chemistry, the distance between where you both live, what your work commitments are.

Generally for most relationships, in the first 2-3 months, meet ups are not often but are regular. By 2-3 months, you both realise you really like each other and the frequency or regularity of meeting up is more frequent.

The initial couple of months gives bith parties involved an idea of how they feel about each other.

One thing I have learnt over the years, if someone likes you, they make time.
If someone likes you, you will know. There's no ambiguity.

It doesn't seem like a lot of time. I would expect more than 2-3 hours once a week at this point. He doesn't live so far away that it would make it difficult.

If you like him, why not suggest meeting up at other times or come up with an activity or something that means you'd be together for a whole day and see what he says. His answer will let you know where to go from here.

I'd be concerned about what he was always rushing back to, to be honest.

Agree with PP, if he wants to see you more then he will.
Who’s organising the dates? Is the amount of effort equal?
Also after 7 dates if you’ve only kissed and not progressed that’s quite telling (judging by my standards but don’t we all?).
You seem more invested than he is from your post, is this really right for you?

Are they actual dates you're going on or is it shag&go ?

I only let dh come to see me once a week before we got engaged. Then it was twice for about 6 months. Then we moved in together. My rule when dating was always see them less than they want. If he’s not trying to see more of you he’s probably not that bothered.

Going against the grain but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with slow and steady to start with and not rushing in.

The last relationship I had we lived an hour apart and only saw each other at weekends for 2 years - that suited us both and it’s what I’d personally want from a new relationship but that was all weekend - Friday evening to Sunday afternoon - rather than just a few hours.

Can you not extend your weekend dates to a whole day/overnight rather than just a few hours.

The bit of a red flag for he is that he only ever comes to you - any reason why you can’t go to him?

She’s said they’ve not been intimate yet.

With my partner ( 11 years in now) we met on one week day night for dinner so usually from 6.30 till 10 as he was up at 5am for work and then on Saturday for lunch, for the first three months or so. We became intimate after this time and I would stay over at his on Saturday nights then Sunday nights as well and after about a year we got a place together. We lived only about 5 miles apart but it was 40 mins to an hour on the bus.

I'd say its equal planning because sometimes I've suggested places and sometimes he has found places and asked me and he keeps in touch via text. He's said he likes to have lots of things planned when he's single, which I get however there's an interim period when youre going on dates with someone where you're not in a "relationship" but you surely have to look like youre interested and have some free time to date them and not like you have loads of other things scheduled, isn't there?! Otherwise it doesn't come across that well. I'll be honest the whole thing has caused my own interest to wane because it just makes me think this person is busy.

Oops.

If he’s said that about being single it probably means he’s not serious about you. No intention of not being single type thing.

He’s not that into you.

I don't think ot seems that bad at this stage. There's nothing worse than a person who drops all their friends and all their plans the second a new potential flame comes on the scene.

I do agree with that tbh it’s about getting a balance.

It depends what they’re busy doing and their priorities.

Id question more why he’s only coming to the OP’s area for a few hours once a week and why he can’t make a full day or overnight visit and also why he’s not inviting her to go to his area. Has he got something to hide?

If you've done the due diligence checks to ensure he's not already coupled up, or still on the apps, then this is how some men operate.

He's probably likes his life the way it is (possibly lower sex drive or all his emotional energy on work) and sees someone he is dating as a "pleasant attractive female companion" than a passionate lover.

Met a few of these dating online, good job, good manners, good date, but they weren't massively keen on having a new partner take priority in their lives

I think they were often very holistic in the way they saw life - it was important to them to have a partner who slotted into the broader life picture.

I've probably turned into the female equivalent at present. I'm trying to build up my social life and interests, and someone expecting fast moves or a big chunk of weekends would be a struggle!

I'd also be wary that if I started having someone expecting overnights, then it would be harder to pull back.

It's just so much energy having all the late night intense dates and sleepovers, I'd actually love to see someone for 2-3 hours once a week.

If progression naturally occured it would, but I would feel a bit uncomfortable with dropping my independence too early on.

It depends what you want from a relationship ...if you're looking to blend lives etc then I guess you need to have conversations? Or see if you're actually happy with the status quo?

Obviously if it's making you feel bad then don't continue. But maybe you just think he "ought" to be acting differently but you don't really mind.

With DH we saw each other almost every day !

100% this.

If someone isn’t desperate to see you as often as they can then they aren’t too bothered. That’s my opinion anyway.

From my own experience, when I was dating someone that I really liked (and vice versa), and which then became a relationship, we probably saw each other 2 times a week for the first few weeks, and then moving on to about 3-4 times a week as the weeks progressed. I love all the giddiness and excitement of falling in love and I think it’s very easy to tell from very early on if that’s the direction the relationship is heading in.

The spark for each other, and the desire to se each other and be with each other is either there or it isn’t.

I dated someone for a couple of years and he only wanted to see me from 6 in the evening on Saturday til noon the next day. Even if I had the whole weekend free, those are the only times we saw each other. He was very social and told me that he wanted his Fridays to do other things. And he would rush me out on Sundays so he could socialize.

In hindsight I realized that I was basically his “date” for dinner and sex and that’s about it. A placeholder til someone else he was willing to sacrifice his time came around.

Me too. Met at 2.30 on the Monday and finished 1st date at 10.30. saw each other Wednesday Thursday spent weekend at his parents then I was away for 2 nights. Virtually inseparable since. Now together nearly 7 years and married nearly 3!

He isn’t that bothered.

DS had been online dating for a few months after he broke up with his GF. He just had a first date that lasted 24 hours and is now back out with her again. He has a very busy life including gym, mates, Uni deadlines and his football team.

Well it's causing my interest in him to wane certainly because I want something long term, so I've been going on dates with others.

I didn't mind for the first few weeks but by 6 weeks in past relationships we were seeing each other more often than this. At this point I'm not sure if all these plans he has are because we aren't exclusive or if he would be equally as busy with other things if he did have a girlfriend. I don't need to be joined at the hip with a partner as I have some of my own things I do that a partner wouldn't come to, but they don't take over my entire week.

Why not come up with a plan that takes longer than 2-3 hours?

"Hi John, it would be good to spend a bit more time together next time we meet? Make a full day of it? How about scheduling a day out in Nearby Village and get dinner whilst we're there? What day or week might work for this?"

I'd actually be interested if he could help you out on something practical, rather than a recreational date.

I'm reasonably pretty/good on dates and I'm used to guys doing the enthusiastic chasing/wanting to put a girlfriend ring on it early on...doesn't seem to last or there's early incompatibility. It's an ego boost for me but that's about all.

Of course, if you've already got the ick and you're both drifting away and you think he's got too many hobbies, then no point.

But I'd say scheduling a weekly meet with NO sex does indicate he finds you reasonably attractive/compatible/is interested in getting to know you.

I recently broke up with a guy who wouldn't commit to more than one a week. It got tiring trying to keep the momentum of the relationship going!

Both in our 60s but he's retired - I still work (teaching). My weeks are really busy, with working and then trying to fit everything in around that. He filled his days/evenings with leisure activities.

However, despite me trying really hard to instigate more dates, he insisted that he didn't have time as his leisure schedule was very fixed. We only met on a Friday evening 🤷‍♀️

Like others have already said...if he wanted to see you, he'd find time. My chap clearly had 'no time' 🤦‍♀️