Struggling after breakup

[Keepingmyselfbusy]

My relationship ended 6 weeks ago due to my exes behaviour. He was not physically violent but emotionally manipulative and I ended it for very good reason. There has since been a no-contact order.

However, I do feel so much guilt about the position he is in now. He moved in with me when his rental place was being sold. He sold all his furniture. He had a lovely life with me however it all ended due to drink/drugs. He knew my boundaries and chose to ignore them.

The relationship ended suddenly and he went to stay with his sister. Before his messages turned threatening, I had offered to pay for a deposit for a place and furniture he could take. Since the no-contact order, we obviously can no longer discuss this.

I actually feel awful for him. He made stupid decisions and when he realised the relationship had genuinely ended he got angry and sent what he now must realise were absolutely unforgivable messages. But he now has nothing. No place of his own, no furniture, bar the few things he brought, which I arranged to be sent to him. I feel.so.so bad. My friends say this is all because he did what he did and it's on him. I can't even explain how bad I feel for him. On top of my own sadness and regret. He loved this life with me, even though I do know I provided a comfortable life for him although he caused me quite a suspicious anxious life. How do I get past this.

I'm asking for your help because it's all I can think about.

Look up trauma bonding

I ended a long marriage because of similar behaviour.

At first I was wracked with guilt, but in time it lessens. Now, like your friends, I can only see that he brought this on himself. I feel no guilt whatsoever.

People who are emotionally manipulative are very good at being the victim and making their partner feel responsible for them and their emotional state.

I would suggest that he has essentially ‘groomed’ you to feeling like this during the relationship and that’s why it’s so hard to let go. They often choose someone who is very honest and kind to exploit. It sounds like this is exactly what he has done, and so your response is to be expected.

They are also very good at making you feel you are not good enough, so you just end up trying harder to be a really, really good person.

I would start trying to counter yourself everytime you start going down this route. Say ‘No, he brought this on himself’, or similar. Or remember what all your friends have said, they are right.

Write down a list of all the crap things he did to you, and all the ways you took care of him - you will probably start to see the pattern. Journal your thoughts and keep rereading your list.

You are essentially trying to change your brains wiring and turning the automatic thoughts on their head. It’s hard but will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Thank you, this makes sense, I'd not read about that before.

You're right. Thank you. I'd done a list, I've just added to it. There are 17 things on that list, I've just added to ot. 17 different things that have happened. It's unbelievable I let it carry on for so long when I look at those 17 things. I feel like I am finally seeings clearly. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

You don't owe this man a damn thing. He's an adult and responsible for his own actions, he also needs to learn how to control his emotions. The more you give this type of man, the more they will drain from you, you've done the right thing. Focus on your own come back, he needs to focus on his.

Teenmaw is so right: the more you give, the more he’ll take. It’s endless unless you turn off the tap. Sounds as if you’re seeing that now, OP. Best of luck with staying strong and moving on xx

Oh look… the grown man has finally learned that actions have consequences and you don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

well done you. Don’t forget to feel proud for standing up for yourself.

Great post from @Imgoingtobefree

He brought this on himself.
FUFO...fxxkup and find out....the consequences of it.

Unfortunately when you only think of yourself shit happens when those around you have enough.

How about some counselling to help you unburden if these feelings persist.

Be glad you got him out and focus on your next chapter in life.

Leave him firmly in the past.