To end things?

[ThisGladViper]

I'm an anxiously attached person and my partner is without a doubt avoidant. This is something I've worked on for a while and have managed to get in control of my emotions more, learned how best to navigate disputes etc.
But it's now getting to the point I'm starting to wonder whether he just lacks the ability to comprehend emotions at all/completely lacks empathy.
I've been having a shitty week mentally and have verbalised this a number of times. Some of which he just flat out ignores, other times he offers something practical (to cook etc). I know this is his way of feeling like he's helping, but honestly I just want him to wrap his arms around me and offer me some verbal reassurances. It's been 3 years now and I've tried time and time again to make it clear that I need comfort in times of stress, but I've witnessed him truly not understanding and grasping what that is. I think he really doesn't know what offering comfort is in the way that I need it.
I have got to the point that I'm wondering whether there is just no future path for us. It feels like it's been me that has done all the work to manage my emotions better (which I'm glad for and is important for me regardless), but fuck me is it that difficult to put your arms around your partner when she's upset and just be there / tell her everything is going to be okay?
He's not going to just suddenly 'get it' at this point, is he?

No, he's not.

I was afraid that was probably likely.
What's so sad is that when things are good (when I'M okay), things are great.
We get on really well, we have loads in common, he is genuinely my best friend.
But the moment things get difficult, or even just a tiny bump, I can't rely on him in the way I need.
It's become the case that I'm trying to balance my emotions constantly so as not to create any tension. But I don't feel he's as conscious about any of it, and therefore isn't putting in any effort.

Nope.

It’s great you’ve developed more self awareness and have learned how to navigate difficult situations better. Going forward, trust that and if you find yourself in a relationship with another man who seems to have no empathy or willingness to meet your needs, leave it. The chances of them changing permanently are slim. At best they might agree to behave differently but very soon revert to type. And to be fair, why should anyone change what they inherently are for someone else?

But it's when things are difficult that it really matters. Anyone can be a fairweather best friend or boyfriend.

If there's an emotional void when things are tough, you might as well be on your own, really?

I dunno, I mean, either you accept him as he is, which means there's this blank area where he can't or won't meet you, and you maybe look for emotional support elsewhere.( I'm not sure if it's a great idea to proceed if you want kids together, as your need for emotional support may become higher.)

Or you move on separately, painful as that may be.

I don't think you should stay in the hope he'll change, though.

Thanks Category.
I know you're right - the thought of ending things fills me with utter fear (hence the anxious attachment).
I feel like I'll regret ending it, but you're right - what am I hanging on for?

I think you already know the answer to this.

Firstly, well done on doing the work! This will bode so well for your future relationships 👏 🙌 .

Secondly, you must know that a relationship between an anxious and avoidantly attached person can only work if BOTH do the work. It's not fair or healthy for you to walk on eggshells all the time.

At best, an unhealed avoidant has cognitive empathy not emotional empathy. They won't pick up on emotional cues at all but they can learn what to do - "I see her sad, so I give her a hug." Unless they start to feel their own emotions they have no idea what to do with yours.

You are the only one who can decide whether a relationship where someone will emotionally abandon you when the going gets tough is enough for you. He may love you with all his capacity but this is what his love looks like.

I can promise you that secure love feels so much better than this. FWIW I'm securely attached, married a securely attached guy but also had experience of dating an avoidant. Chalk and cheese experiences.

Ever just said to him would it be ok to cuddle me im feeling very low?
There could be a possibility he maybe also neurodiverse and not quiet get social Q's

I wouldn't get too hung up on the attachment/avoidant personality style thing.

At the end of the day, he just doesn't seem to care.

She's explained and asked for it multiple times over three years. She says so in the op.

It’s so stressful in this situation. I’ve been exactly where you are. With the exception that my ex was physically affectionate and when I needed it I would say ‘I need a hug’ and he’d be fine with that. He just couldn’t communicate and would shut down or flee at the first sign of conflict, mostly living life in his own head overthinking.
I’ve worked hard to recognise my unhealthy behaviours but he never would. So it ended.
Like you we had so much in common but he didn’t have the skills for or the interest in being in a healthy relationship.
When times get tough you need someone who has your back. My ex never did and it sounds like your DP doesn’t either.
You could try communicating very clearly and specifically, but it sounds like this is only heading in one direction.
If it helps, the pain of leaving does reduce with time and being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t want to be there.

Believing he can’t understand your basic needs is keeping you stuck, and spurs you on to keep trying in different ways. Unless he has a significant disability he understands perfectly well. It probably wasn’t like this in the beginning or you wouldn’t have continued to date him. So it’s a choice he’s made.

Avoidants withold to create distance. They don’t want what you want and they deliberately don’t participate in bonding behaviours as to maintain that distance and control. He is being dishonest. And cruel , by gaslighting you and refusing to comfort you. Accept this is deliberate, controlling, and emotionally abusive.

Avoidants are never fully in. And they will eventually discard you abruptly and cruelly. I think you know this which is why you’ve tied yourself in knots. Relationships with avoidants don’t work unless you are willing to abandon yourself and your own needs which comes easily to the anxiously attached.

Take control and end it. You deserve better.

What happens if you tell him you need a hug?

When I'm feeling upset, I want space. I want things to happen around me so I don't have to think about them, and just have time to get over whatever the issue is. I basically want as little contact with other people as possible, and a hug is the absolute worst thing you could do for me at that point.

As a result, when DP is upset, it absolutely goes against every instinct I have to hug her. I want to do practical things, make the world run smoothly around her, so that she doesn't have to deal with it and can process her feelings instead.

That completely doesn't work for her, she wants physical contact, and to keep herself busy.

So over the years we've learnt to go against our immediate instinct, to give what we'd want in the same situation. But it takes communication to work it out. Direct in instructions. "I need a hug", or "I need to be left alone right now"

Ive just been to his to speak to him (we don't live together but he spends 5/6 nights of the week at my place).
It couldn't have gone any worse - he was literally shouting at me at the top of his lungs.
I know I need to end it, I just wish I had some will power, the anxiety eats me alive and I end up going back.

If he spends 5/6 days at your place then you do live together. Does he contribute?Does he ignore you until you grovel?

He is not the source of your anxiety. You are, because you’ve abandoned yourself. If you start to meet your own needs you will no longer be begging for scraps and making yourself small.

I can tell you, once you’ve healed you will find him revolting and you’ll see his behaviour for the power play that it is.

Yeah he does ignore me till I'm near enough begging for things to be okay and for him to be there for me. It's so pathetic, and I need to hear these things.
He barely contributes, offers about 5-10% of outgoings. I'm being completely used, aren't I?

Oh I'm sorry that's awful! Though hopefully it makes it clearer that you need to leave the relationship.

I'm being completely used, aren't I?

It’s worse than that I’m afraid, you’re being financially, emotionally and verbally abused. For what? For the hope that someone who is utterly lacking will eventually choose you?

Somewhere deep inside there is maybe the thought that everything will be ok if you can just get him to choose you. But that’s not true.The only way you’re going to be ok is when you choose you and accept the feelings of abandonment that have probably been there long before this man showed up.

I don’t accept the narrative these are broken men terrified of love. They’re narcissistic, cruel and emotionally sadistic.

Have you looked into strategies to soothe yourself? Do you have a counseller?

Today is your opportunity to start changing that pattern.

Bag up his stuff and drop it round to his tomorrow or have him pick it up.

New life, new start by Monday.

Yes, I'm simplifying, but you don't have to keep going round and round with this guy.

He sounds exactly like someone I dated on and off for 18 months. It completely messed with head but I finally gathered my self respect and ended it permanently. He had absolutely zero self awareness, he wanted to float through life with his head up arse and take no accountability.

Why was he shouting at you?

Op, firstly I am so sorry you are going through this.
It is one of the basic needs in a relationship to at least be able to raise something you are struggling with and have your partner listen, try to understand, and find a way together to find a solution.
If you cannot even raise this, if you find yourself internalising hurt, pain or feelings of rejection or abandonment because you know raising issues will cause an argument, then that isnt right or fair. Why do his needs for not communicating, trump yours for peace of mind or feeling safe?
You are, as a pp said above, experiencing self abandonment, because you don’t want to face the fear of being alone and losing him, or having to start again, or not finding someone else, or finding someone else only for them to be worse.
The thing is if you do this it slowly turns into self contempt, destroys your self worth and robs you of your energy and love of life. It zombifies you.
I am actually in a very similar situation, and finding it so hard to consider walking away. So I do totally get the feelings of paralysis and helplessness and the hope that it will somehow magically change and he’ll wake up and realise what he is losing. But honestly, I dont think he will.
Please realise you are worth more. The ongoing pain of having to constantly subdue yourself and your needs are surely worse than the pain of loneliness you’ll feel for a while if you find the strength to walk away.
I think that message is as much for me as you. We know the truth in it but its so hard to do when you can see the potential for it being so good.
feel free to PM me if you need a support person. Doing this alone is HARD.

The price for being around someone like this is a dysregulated nervous system. It’s your attachment system alarm going off because it knows you’re not safe. You can quiet it temporarily by ignoring it or distracting yourself but it’s always going off. You will be on high alert to changes to his mood.

Anxiously attached people can misinterpret a dysregulated nervous system for love. But love does not make you feel small, unworthy, scared or anxious. This man is not the cure for your dysregulation. He is the cause of it.

What passtheduchess said about becoming zombified is true. You’re also at high risk for physical health problems as the cortisol and stress chemicals will eventually take their toll on your body as well as your mind.

Try to reframe things. You’re not pathetic , you just have a deregulated nervous system which means it might genuinely feel like you might die if you can’t be with him. But it’s not real. You can fix it. It will take time but you can. There’s a lot on line to help you with this.

Reframe some of your thoughts as well. Will you be alone or will you be a free agent? Nothing is lonelier than being in this type of relationship.

Thanks for this message, and so sorry you're in the same boat.
Are you going to leave? I feel filled with dread, although I know of course I'll feel better once it's over and there's light at the end of the tunnel. It is completely draining and taking all my energy and strength, I'm constantly exhausted and run down. I know it's all stress related.

Absolutely, I know you're completely right.
Because I've made my whole life revolve around him the thought of ending it makes me feel there'll be a total void of emptiness. I need to see it as a positive, that I'll have so much more time and energy to put into something else/myself.

It's just those initial first few days isn't it, pulling myself together in work, to focus without breaking down.

Could you take a few days off instead of trying to struggle through? Maybe go visit friends or family?

How about planning some things so you have a bit of a reset of your life? Things he wouldn't want to do but you would, especially 😁.

Who are you, what do you like?